Kevin James Never Don't Give Up

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1

[hip hop music playing]

Yeah!

Siege

[audience cheering]

[music continuing]

Yeah, yeah!

And when you hear the sound

Of the drum

We'll be saying, "Here we come!"

Yeah, here we come

Hey, here we come

Huh! Here we come

Here we come

Yeah, here we come

Hey, here we come

Hey, here we come

Here we come

Wow.

New York!

I gotta be honest,

I was not expecting that.

I was expecting a little more.

I just felt...

I felt like you had a little

in the gas tank and kinda....

Get that picture. Get it.

I wasn't ready, hold on.

Come on. I'm always in bad pictures.

I want to take a good one,

like I'm doing something.

There you go. You got it? All right, good.

I just took a picture with a group

of ladies backstage.

Very nice, older ladies, very sweet.

I don't mind taking pictures.

I just wish the person they elect

to take the picture...

had seen a cell phone camera once before.

I get locked into say cheese position...

"She doesn't know what she's doing,

does she?"

She's just standing there. "I...

I don't... I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't...

I see me. I'm taking pictures of me.

No... Now I got it. Sorry.

Nope. I'm in Google Maps,

hold on a second."

You're just stuck there. [laughing]

"It's fine. It's fine.

Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

It's all right. It happens all the time.

It's all good.

Yeah, your lower back is sweaty.

Yeah. Yeah.

Somebody had a Caesar salad earlier, huh?"

I was in Atlanta at the airport waiting

for my bag,

and this woman asked to take a picture,

and I was like, "Sure, no problem,"

and she takes out her iPhone,

and she just holds it on me,

and I'm just standing there.

She doesn't say anything.

I'm just standing there.

Finally, I just started smiling on my own.

Still nothing.

Then I started turning into it

to let her know I was ready, like...

"There you go. This is it.

Snap it!"

Finally, I was like, "Did you get it?"

She goes like this, she goes,

"Nope. I'm getting it."

"I'm getting it?"

She's video recording me

from a foot away.

Like I'm a panda at the zoo.

And then she was like,

"Could you do something?"

"Could I? Yeah, yeah. How about

I sweep your legs out from under you,

watch your hip bounce off the mosaic tile?

How about that?

Let's see if we can keep filming with

a shattered hip. How does that feel?"

When do you watch that video?

When are you ever gonna watch that video?

When does it come up?

When are you like, "Honey, know what?

Let's do it tonight.

Yes, let's crack open a bottle of wine.

We'll invite the gang over

and watch a random clip of someone

who doesn't know they're being filmed.

Remember how much fun we had last week

watching Coolio at the dry cleaners?

Tonight we got Kevin James

looking very confused at baggage claim.

Check it out."

"Did you get it? Are you good?

Did you get it?

You good? Did you get it?"

God forbid somebody walks in late,

"I gotta rewind it, hold on a second."

This one older guy wanted

to take a picture. He had a walker.

First off, is there going

to come a time in my life

where I see a walker

without the tennis balls on the bottom?

Honestly,

all the technology we have nowadays.

Could we please slow down production

on the next iPhone...

and just dedicate a couple guys

from Apple...

to work on the tennis ball

on the walker problem

we have running rampant in this country?

It's gonna take 'em what, seven minutes?

They'll bang out a solution.

This guy had an active walker, too.

He had a handbrake on the walker.

How fast are you walking?

I thought walking was the problem.

That's why you got a walker.

You got a walker.

Now you have a handbrake on the walker

in case things get out of control.

'Cause you never know when

you're walking along a highway,

someone sneaks up behind you,

bumps the horn, you get all crazy legs...

and Riverdance off into the woods.

You guys are fun. You guys are good.

That's why I'm not doing an encore.

Gonna give you the whole show up front.

I don't like encores, they're insincere.

I don't like 'em. They're fake. You know?

I went and saw Aerosmith in concert

about three, four years ago.

And they were great, by the way.

They were fantastic,

but they didn't play their best song.

They didn't play "Dream On."

And then they walked off stage,

and the whole audience had to stand

on their feet clapping for 15 minutes

before Aerosmith came back out

and finished their job.

You know you're gonna play "Dream On."

The whole arena knows

you're playing "Dream On."

"Let's cut the dance, Steven Tyler.

I got a babysitter needs me home by 11.

Can we--

You owe me 'Dream On.' You owe it to me."

Entertainment's the only profession

that does it.

You don't see your accountant, like,

"Well, here are most of your taxes.

Good night!"

"You didn't finish!"

"Let's see how loud you can get it

out there, maybe I'll come back.

Just not feeling it right now.

I am not feeling it."

They gotta stand out there

with their cell phones,

"Come on, Irv, close with the refund!

You forgot the refund, Irv!"

I had to get my eyesight checked,

so I went to Pearle Vision Center,

and as I'm walking in the store,

in the front window of the store,

they have a massive poster of this

little boy opening a birthday present

and it's a pair of eyeglasses.

And he couldn't have been happier.

He was--

He had, like, a little tear cracking

on the side, just rolling down his face.

What kind of sick parent...

gives their child eyeglasses as a gift?

"Well, you know, Leonard,

you were very good this year.

You pulled in an A-minus average.

You were very good to your sister.

You did everything your father

and I asked of you, so...

this year...

we're gonna give you the gift of sight!

Enjoy vision, Leonard. Enjoy it!

Not gonna lie, we were on the fence.

Your father is still against it,

but I was like, 'Larry, he deserves it.'

So, happy birthday, welcome to vision.

You get focus, Leonard. You get focus."

"Thank you, Mommy."

"No. No problem. Now you runand get

your Christmas crutches and hurry back.

We'll talk about that dentist trip

that's always been on your wish list."

By the way, quick announcement

to the lactose intolerant community.

If I offer you ice cream,

and you can't have any,

just say, "No, thank you."

That's it. There is no joke. That's just

the message I want to get out there.

I want to silence the lactose intolerant.

I don't need to know the havoc

dairy products are gonna wreak

on your bowels...

right before I'm about

to dig into my rocky road.

Are we clear? Are we good?

You didn't win an award.

Gotta work it into every conversation?

Why would you ever bring it up?

You can feel them wanting to bring it up.

They're, like, trying to work it in.

It's like double dutch for them.

They're like...

You could be at a buffet table.

You just feel it.

"That looks yummy, but I probably

can't have it. Wanna know why?"

"No. I don't care why. I have no interest.

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