Kevin James Never Don't Give Up Page #2

---

Just the fact that I can enjoy it

without any problems is enough for me."

"You know what it is?

I don't want to bother you.

I'm just gonna let you know,

I'm lactose intolerant!

Totally intolerant to lactose.

Sorry, it's just better for both of us,

just so you know. It's out there.

I'm lactose intolerant.

And I do CrossFit.

That's it. That's all I wanted to say.

You know,

when I was first diagnosed LI, I...

I decided that very moment

I was gonna live every day to the fullest

and just not let the little things

bother me anymore, unless, of course,

they contain dairy.

Then they're gonna bother me

quite a bit then, but that's me.

That is my cross to bear and anyone

who can hear the sound of my voice.

That's it."

Lactose intolerant.

It didn't exist 30 years ago.

You can't name one person

who was lactose intolerant 30 years ago,

'cause it did not exist.

Actually it did.

It's called a tummy ache.

Toughen up, America. Toughen up!

If you're a man

and you're lactose intolerant,

why would you ever bring that up

to another man?

Can you imagine Spartacus? Like...

In the arena after, like,

twisting a tiger's neck, and he's like,

"What's that? Coffee with half-and-half?

I can't have that. I get booboo belly.

I can't do it. I'm lactose intolerant.

I'm lactose intolerant.

Do you have a non-dairy creamer?

Can you get a non-dairy creamer?"

Where are the men?

Where have they gone?

Know what I think of men?

I think of that picture in the 1930s

of those construction workers

sitting high above New York City,

right, sitting on that steel beam.

Right.

Just eating their lunch.

They're eating their lunch.

Can you imagine

if the fifth guy in was like, "Hey...

Is this cheddar cheese on my sandwich?

I can't have this.

I'm lactose intolerant."

"Is that like polio?"

"No! I get yucky tummy.

"You guys got to scootch over!

Move your knees, I gotta get by.

I gotta get by, guys!

Let me by. Can you guys let me by?"

"We gotta lower the beam!"

They would throw him off the back

of that beam!

Lactose int-- there is not

a more annoying group on the planet.

Check that, a gluten douche.

My apologies, the gluten douche trumps

the lactose intolerant.

Because the lactose intolerant

is just annoying,

but a gluten douche is a night-wrecker.

Right? 'Cause they'll make you

switch restaurants. They'll be...

"I don't like this. Can we go where

they have some gluten-free options?

Do you mind if we switch restaurants?"

"No! Order what you want,

I'll eat the gluten out of it.

I'll regurgitate it

and feed you like a baby owl."

I made the mistake of picking

a restaurant. You can't do that.

I went with two guys.

I didn't even know them.

One was a gluten douche,

the other was lactose intolerant.

I chose a pizza restaurant! They're...

They're each tying to outdo each other.

"I can't have bread.

My stomach will bloat."

The other guy's like, "Can't have cheese.

I'll have to change my pants!"

One and up.

Out of the shadows like a ghost,

a guy with a nut allergy came over.

Yo, the nut allergy is the King Kong

of food allergies!

He was like,

"I'm sorry, you got some food problems?

Can I explain something to you?

Let me break it down for you, okay?

If I eat a nut...

I die. I die!

If a fork touches a nut

in this restaurant,

and I use that fork you gotta

jab an EpiPen into my chest

'cause I am on my way to the afterlife.

If the soil

where this building was built upon

ever harvested a nut or a seed

of some sort,

and I come in contact with it,

I'll melt into a pile of flesh.

If college kids are driving by

on the local highway,

and one tosses out a peanut shell

and the dust from that shell...

works its way through the air

and latches onto a nasal hair

and shimmies its way up,

I will explode!

And you'll be talking to a shadow

of where I used to be."

Okay, nut allergy guy, you win.

You win the food allergy competition.

Yeah.

Know who I feel sorry for?

Shellfish allergy guy. You remember him?

Remember him from the late '70s?

He was the only game in town.

There were no food allergies then.

He was just rare.

He was just sitting out there.

He was running the game.

Imagine him today, trying to bring up

his scratchy throat and puffy ankles?

Nut allergy guy would grab him

by the shoulders

and knee him in the face!

I'm very, very blessed,

because I don't have food allergies.

I know some are tough. I can go

to any restaurant I want, which is great.

I'm very fortunate.

I don't like going to restaurants where

the waiters are too excited to be there.

You ever get them?

"Hey, how's everybody feeling tonight?"

Slow it down, man. Let's take it down.

You know, he's very excited?

"How's everything going?

How's everything taste so far?

Can I get you anything else? No?

Is everything good now?"

Could you let the food hit the back

of my throat?

Ever have the waiter

that feels comfortable enough

to sit down at your table with you

to take your order?

"How's everybody doing? My name's Cooper.

What can I start you off with?"

"Well, Cooper, I think we'll all start off

with a nice big bucket

of get your ass out of my booth."

"Everybody, we're good with that?

Then maybe some jalapeo poppers?"

"Yeah, just your ass out of the booth

and jalapeo poppers."

That's why I go to restaurants

like Benihana.

I like Benihana 'cause it takes the waiter

out of it really. Yeah.

It does. It's awesome,

where they cook right in front of you.

It's good,

and they give you a little show,

which they need to update the show.

I will be honest.

I don't need to see another

smoking onion ring volcano.

Or shrimp in the hat?

Hey, shrimp in the hat.

What, am I a five-year-old at magic camp?

How about more shrimp on my plate?

Why not work on that at the Hana?

Yes, I'm disappointed in the Hana

with the amount of shrimp they give you.

It's all about seat placement.

You got to find the right place to sit.

And I chose the wrong one...

Third base.

And unless you get, like, a southpaw chef

which is very rare,

you're gonna get boned on the shrimp

'cause they start off very excited.

They're full of adrenaline.

Their math skills aren't the greatest.

They're just kinda...

turn into Pete Townshend in the beginning

dishing out the shrimp

and you just see the pile dwindling.

You see it just going down.

I'm like,

"He's not even gonna make the turn."

"This is not gonna work out for me."

And he's not even being selective

in who he gives it to.

He's giving the same amount

to a six-foot-four man

as a baby in a highchair

getting the same amount of shrimp.

I know I'm gonna be stuck

with two empty tails and an antenna.

I also didn't know at Benihana

you're supposed to wait

until all the food is served

before you start eating.

I'm literally eating it off the spatula

like a German Shepherd.

[chewing]

It's good. You guys are gonna definitely

like the rice!

I went and got ice cream.

That's one of the foods I don't mind

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes