Kevin James Never Don't Give Up Page #3
waiting for. It's so good.
It was a long line,
great little place we went to.
As we got to the front,
the lady in front of me had
to tryevery sample.
When did we introduce the pink spoons,
the samples?
Every one just come out.
By the way, two is the limit, right?
Or I'll give you three.
If you can't figure what type
of ice cream you want in three samples,
you need to stand
outside the ice cream shop
and just narrow it down mentally,
come up with a game plan,
'cause even if you're off a little bit,
it's ice cream.
I get it
if you want to try an exotic flavor
like Chattanooga citrus crunch
or something,
but she was like,
"Can I try double chocolate?" No!
No. No! Just imagine regular chocolate
in your head and then double it up.
No.
So great to be back in New York.
We're shooting a show out--
-[cheering]
-This is so great, thank you, guys.
We were shooting a scenein one
of the neighborhoods on Long Island,
and it was great 'cause all the people
came out and watched.
It was really fun, 'cause we got a chance
to talk to themin between shots.
I was talking to this one off-duty cop,
very nice guy, for ten minutes.
He was wearing a raincoat.
I don't know why. It wasn't raining.
He was great.
We had a nice little ten minute chat.
Then they called me back
to shoot the next scene.
I said,"All right, man,
take it easy, buddy."
He goes, "Hey, before you go, I got a gift
for you.I want to give you a cigar."
I said, "Thank you, that is just
unnecessary and very sweet of you."
He said, "Just do me a favor.
Just think of me when you smoke it."
I said, "What?"
"Yeah, when you smoke it,
do me a favor, just think of me."
I got weirded out,
and I didn't even know what to say.
I was like, "Yeah, cigar, I gotta..."
[mumbles]
I just walked off.
I thought, "How odd is that?
You don't give a gift to somebody
and then give them instructions
on how to enjoy it.
What if I want to think about my kids
or something else?
It was just a weird exchange.
I was freaked out. It was a good cigar.
I went home and put it on my desk
and I was like... [mutters]
It just made me feel weird.
It was a nice gesture. Then it got weird.
So I was like, "Forget it, man.
I don't need that cigar."
I left it there,
and then I went to work the next day.
And I came home, and I saw it again.
It brought up these emotions again.
And I was like...
It's a good cigar.
I should smoke it, but I can't now
because I don't
wanna do what this guy tells me to do.
I got so angry at it.
I said, "Just throw it out." That was it.
I went to throw it out and I was like,
"No, don't throw it out.
If you throw it out, then he wins.
He wins."
Then I thought to myself,
"No, smoke it, but don't think of him."
And that's what I did, I smoked it.
But I could not not think of the guy.
I was literally like... [exhales]
[sighs]
"Man...
Cop in the raincoat. He got me!"
Can't get him out of my head. I could not
get him out of my head the whole time.
I only met him for ten minutes.
I smoked a whole cigar thinking about him
every second of that cigar.
And not just that cigar,
then it was every cigar I had!
And not just cigars, breakfast.
I couldn't get the guy out of my head!
I was literally like,
"I wonder what he's doing today.
It's pouring out.
I betcha he's wearing his raincoat.
Of course he's wearing his raincoat.
If he wore it with a chance of rain,
he's definitely wearing it today."
I keep thinking he's going to his friends,
telling them,
"I just gave Kevin James a cigar,
and I told him to think of me."
His friends were like, "You're out of
your mind. He's not gonna think of you."
He's like, "Nah, trust me.
It's gonna get in there and then it's
gonna spread.You watch this."
And look at me, I'm talking about him
on my Netflix special right here.
Well done, cop in the raincoat.
Well played, my friend.
I'm so blessed with this job.
I get to work with some
of the greatest people.
I got to work with Nick Nolte.
He's like-- Ah, man, he's...
He's one of my heroes, you know?
They were bringing me over to meet him
at this party.
And I see him. He turns around,
and he goes to shake my hand.
As he goes to shake my hand,
I see his hand's in a fist,
and I thought, "How cool is that,
that Nick Nolte's
gonna give me a fist bump?"
So I changed my hand to a fist,
but then Nick opened his up
at the last second,
and I didn't have time to pull out,
and Nick just latched onto my fist.
And he just started shaking my fist
like a Magic 8-Ball.
He was just going up and down
and in a weird octagon,
and I was freaked out.
I can't concentrate on a word he's saying,
'cause all I'm thinking everybody
at the party's just thinking
that Nick Nolte just beat me
at some weird rock paper scissor game.
I always think Nick Nolte's at a party
telling other people that he met me.
"You ever shake hands with Kevin James?
He's got one normal hand
and then he's got can of soup!
He threw it at me.
I didn't know what to do. I covered it,
and he's trying to pull it away from me,
but I held on.
I held on for a long time,
like an eagle with talons."
They put me up at a great hotel here,
which is really fun. It's really nice.
I love being in the city.
I'm trying to go to my room.
The room signs, can they make those
any more difficult to read?
I'm in room 15,712.
Okay, this is 6,415 through...
27,695.
Let me see what's over here.
What's over here?
No, this is 59,627.
I'm just gonna lay here. That's all.
I'm just gonna lay here.
I got in my room, and I was excited,
'cause I wanted to see the view I had.
Thought it'd be the park or something,
but I had another hotel right there.
I look out the window
and right away in another hotel window,
I see a guy standing there,
completely naked standing in the window.
that that guy got there.
He was like, "Hi, room 715.
Thank you very much."
He got in, got in his room,
put his luggage down...
"Now we wait. We wait."
He was standing there.
He had his fists on his hips,
just like a naked superhero waiting
for someone to save.
I thought,
"How weird is this that he's doing this?"
Then I thought, "How weird that you're
looking at him from another hotel
locked on him like a puma, just..."
Turns out he wasn't just standing naked,
he was ironing. He just started ironing.
I didn't see the ironing board.
He was waiting for his iron to heat up.
That's a confident naked man
just standing in a window waiting
for your iron to heat up.
[imitates sizzle] "Nope, not..."
I gotta be honest, the list of things
I do naked is not very long.
But even if you were to add 800 things
to that list,
ironing still ain't gonna be on there.
Way at the bottom along with frying bacon.
It's way at the bottom.
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"Kevin James Never Don't Give Up" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 19 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/kevin_james_never_don't_give_up_11689>.
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