Kevin James Never Don't Give Up Page #3

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waiting for. It's so good.

It was a long line,

great little place we went to.

As we got to the front,

the lady in front of me had

to tryevery sample.

When did we introduce the pink spoons,

the samples?

Every one just come out.

By the way, two is the limit, right?

Or I'll give you three.

If you can't figure what type

of ice cream you want in three samples,

you need to stand

outside the ice cream shop

and just narrow it down mentally,

come up with a game plan,

'cause even if you're off a little bit,

it's ice cream.

I get it

if you want to try an exotic flavor

like Chattanooga citrus crunch

or something,

but she was like,

"Can I try double chocolate?" No!

No. No! Just imagine regular chocolate

in your head and then double it up.

No.

So great to be back in New York.

We're shooting a show out--

-[cheering]

-This is so great, thank you, guys.

We were shooting a scenein one

of the neighborhoods on Long Island,

and it was great 'cause all the people

came out and watched.

It was really fun, 'cause we got a chance

to talk to themin between shots.

I was talking to this one off-duty cop,

very nice guy, for ten minutes.

He was wearing a raincoat.

I don't know why. It wasn't raining.

He was great.

We had a nice little ten minute chat.

Then they called me back

to shoot the next scene.

I said,"All right, man,

take it easy, buddy."

He goes, "Hey, before you go, I got a gift

for you.I want to give you a cigar."

I said, "Thank you, that is just

unnecessary and very sweet of you."

He said, "Just do me a favor.

Just think of me when you smoke it."

I said, "What?"

"Yeah, when you smoke it,

do me a favor, just think of me."

I got weirded out,

and I didn't even know what to say.

I was like, "Yeah, cigar, I gotta..."

[mumbles]

I just walked off.

I thought, "How odd is that?

You don't give a gift to somebody

and then give them instructions

on how to enjoy it.

What if I want to think about my kids

or something else?

It was just a weird exchange.

I was freaked out. It was a good cigar.

I went home and put it on my desk

and I was like... [mutters]

It just made me feel weird.

It was a nice gesture. Then it got weird.

So I was like, "Forget it, man.

I don't need that cigar."

I left it there,

and then I went to work the next day.

And I came home, and I saw it again.

It brought up these emotions again.

And I was like...

"Guy makes me think of this.

This is crazy right now.

It's a good cigar.

I should smoke it, but I can't now

because I don't

wanna do what this guy tells me to do.

I got so angry at it.

I said, "Just throw it out." That was it.

I went to throw it out and I was like,

"No, don't throw it out.

If you throw it out, then he wins.

He wins."

Then I thought to myself,

"No, smoke it, but don't think of him."

And that's what I did, I smoked it.

But I could not not think of the guy.

I was literally like... [exhales]

[sighs]

"Man...

Cop in the raincoat. He got me!"

Can't get him out of my head. I could not

get him out of my head the whole time.

I only met him for ten minutes.

I smoked a whole cigar thinking about him

every second of that cigar.

And not just that cigar,

then it was every cigar I had!

And not just cigars, breakfast.

I couldn't get the guy out of my head!

I was literally like,

"I wonder what he's doing today.

It's pouring out.

I betcha he's wearing his raincoat.

Of course he's wearing his raincoat.

If he wore it with a chance of rain,

he's definitely wearing it today."

I keep thinking he's going to his friends,

telling them,

"I just gave Kevin James a cigar,

and I told him to think of me."

His friends were like, "You're out of

your mind. He's not gonna think of you."

He's like, "Nah, trust me.

He's gonna think of me.

It's gonna get in there and then it's

gonna spread.You watch this."

And look at me, I'm talking about him

on my Netflix special right here.

Well done, cop in the raincoat.

Well played, my friend.

I'm so blessed with this job.

I get to work with some

of the greatest people.

I got to work with Nick Nolte.

He's like-- Ah, man, he's...

He's one of my heroes, you know?

I was so nervous meeting him.

They were bringing me over to meet him

at this party.

And I see him. He turns around,

and he goes to shake my hand.

As he goes to shake my hand,

I see his hand's in a fist,

and I thought, "How cool is that,

that Nick Nolte's

gonna give me a fist bump?"

So I changed my hand to a fist,

but then Nick opened his up

at the last second,

and I didn't have time to pull out,

and Nick just latched onto my fist.

And he just started shaking my fist

like a Magic 8-Ball.

He was just going up and down

and in a weird octagon,

and I was freaked out.

He starts talking to me.

I can't concentrate on a word he's saying,

'cause all I'm thinking everybody

at the party's just thinking

that Nick Nolte just beat me

at some weird rock paper scissor game.

I always think Nick Nolte's at a party

telling other people that he met me.

"You ever shake hands with Kevin James?

He's got one normal hand

and then he's got can of soup!

He threw it at me.

I didn't know what to do. I covered it,

and he's trying to pull it away from me,

but I held on.

I held on for a long time,

like an eagle with talons."

They put me up at a great hotel here,

which is really fun. It's really nice.

I love being in the city.

I'm trying to go to my room.

The room signs, can they make those

any more difficult to read?

I'm in room 15,712.

Okay, this is 6,415 through...

27,695.

Let me see what's over here.

What's over here?

No, this is 59,627.

I'm just gonna lay here. That's all.

I'm just gonna lay here.

I got in my room, and I was excited,

'cause I wanted to see the view I had.

Thought it'd be the park or something,

but I had another hotel right there.

I look out the window

and right away in another hotel window,

I see a guy standing there,

completely naked standing in the window.

I thought how weird is it

that that guy got there.

He was like, "Hi, room 715.

Thank you very much."

He got in, got in his room,

put his luggage down...

"Now we wait. We wait."

He was standing there.

He had his fists on his hips,

just like a naked superhero waiting

for someone to save.

I thought,

"How weird is this that he's doing this?"

Then I thought, "How weird that you're

looking at him from another hotel

locked on him like a puma, just..."

Turns out he wasn't just standing naked,

he was ironing. He just started ironing.

I didn't see the ironing board.

He was waiting for his iron to heat up.

That's a confident naked man

just standing in a window waiting

for your iron to heat up.

[imitates sizzle] "Nope, not..."

I gotta be honest, the list of things

I do naked is not very long.

But even if you were to add 800 things

to that list,

ironing still ain't gonna be on there.

Way at the bottom along with frying bacon.

It's way at the bottom.

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