Kevin James Never Don't Give Up Page #4

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Here's a list of the top five things

you're never gonna see me do naked:

jump...

climb a ladder...

install insulation in my attic...

sit on wicker furniture...

and feed geese.

I'm never feeding geese naked. That's it.

I got embarrassed. I went back in.

I had to go down to the lobby.

I got in the elevator. There were other

people in the elevator with me.

I pressed the lobby. You always expect

to go right to your floor,

but you ever get out too quick

and you're too embarrassed to go back,

so you're like, "Yeah, I'm good."

The people on the elevator

know you screwed up.

They're like, "Sure you don't want

to get back on?"

"No, no, no, I need the basement.

I gottacheck the pipes.

I'm the pipe checker here at the hotel.

We're good. You guys go.

I'll see you in the lobby in a minute."

And you walk over back there

and you press the button again,

but it's too soon, so the same people are

in the elevator when it opens up.

I love any form of transit

that moves you from one floor to another.

That's technology to me.

I appreciate that.

Like escalators.

I love a good escalator, man.

You appreciate an escalatorwhen

you come upon a broken one at the mall.

"We'll head to Foot Locker,

then get a slice of pizza...

[sighs]

"Let's just do it tomorrow.

I'm out of here."

When you get on an escalator

do me a favor,

just grab the handrail

and just stand there.

Let life take over. Let it raise you

from one floor to another.

I can't stand the people

who still feel the need to walk.

Same idiots always.

It's usually the guy with the NutriBullet

full of greens. That guy's, "'Scuse me.

On the left, 'scuse me. 'Scuse me."

I don't let him by. I get all big.

I'm like, "Not happening! No. No!"

"'Scuse me!"

"Nope, not happening!

Big man pilate time."

I love those people movers at the airport,

but they're so random.

You could be walking with your luggage

for two miles...

then out of nowhere, the airport's like,

"You know what? Give him a little strip

of, like, 18 feet right there."

"Just 18 feet?"

"Yeah, just 18 feet is plenty.

Just give them a false sense of hope

before they walk the additional 42 miles

into the parking garage.

I use them, though.

I could literally walk by a people mover

and be like, "They got a people mover.

I didn't see that."

Ever been on the people mover

and you realize there's somebody walking

outside the people mover

at the exact same speed as you?

You can't even make eye contact with him.

You just...

slowly turn yourself away from them.

It's when I do a lot of my deep thinking.

"What kind of a fat lazy sea lion are you?

You couldn't walk an additional 18 feet?

It's 18 feet, man!

You are a manatee, you know that?

You sicken me.

No more starting New Year's.

You're starting now.

Turn your life around!"

You feel so guilty. You turn around.

You feel like you owe the guy an excuse.

"I'd be walking with you, man,

but I just helped a friend move

this morning and...

then I ran a 5K... 66K,

a bunch of Ks. I'm not sure how many."

He's carrying four bags of luggage.

I'm holding a Wendy's bag, you know?

I'm not even holding it.

I'm resting it on the rails.

I can't even lift my fat lunch

for 18 feet.

You ever been on the people mover

and realize you're passing a Cinnabon?

[mouths]

There should be a handbrake

or an exit ramp.

If they did their research correctly,

they would realize the people

on the people mover...

That is your core Cinnabon audience!

If they were really smart,

they'd have every people mover

go directly into a Cinnabon, right?

Filtering in like a luggage carousel.

Fatties just falling in like,

"What the heck was that?

Oh, Cinnabon. Yeah, I'll take two.

Extra icing on both, please. Yeah."

[chuckles]

I love Cinnabon. I should not have it.

I gotta get in shape, I gotta...

I love sports. That was my dream,

to play professional sports.

That was my... Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think I have to tell you people

how that turned out,

but I still love it. I still love it.

I love sports, sports clothing.

I love Under Armour.

I told my manager,

I said, "Hey, I wonder

if we can get an endorsement deal.

Could you call Under Armour and see?

'Cause I noticed the Rock got one...

I thought maybe we can get one."

He was like, "You want me to call them?"

"Yeah, can you give 'em a call?"

He's like, "All right..."

He called me back five minutes later.

I was like, "That was fast."

He's like, "Yeah, that was fast."

I said, "How did it go?"

He said, "Not good.

In fact, they asked if you wouldn't mind

not wearing their clothes."

Be careful with the clothes you buy

when you're getting fat then lose weight.

You gotta

change your wardrobe accordingly.

I threw on a mesh shirt

from whenI lost weight a long time ago,

and I went to work out in it.

Thank God I walked by a mirror.

I was like, "Oh, no, no, no, no."

I looked like a bag of avocados.

Took a little weight off,

I gotta get more weight off.

I was getting so big,

I was taking longer in the shower.

It was like washing a van, you know?

It was like...

I just started negotiating with myself.`

I'm like, "You know what?

I'm just gonna do the front today.

I can't be washing all day.

I got things to do, errands to run.

I'll get everything else tomorrow.

I'm done."

I get cold fat. Big people get cold fat.

Cold fat is when

your body temperature is 100% correct,

but there's a section of your body

that's just ice cold.

My wife will find it all the time.

She'll be like, "Your left love handle

is freezing right now."

She's not wrong. It's like

the blood said, "I can't do this.

I can't get from there back to the heart.

I don't know what you want from me.

I just can't make this--

You weren't this big

when we started together.

I can keep your shoulder warm,

but I say we let the love handle go.

Eventually it'll break off like an iceberg

and just float away from us."

Gotta get in shape, man.

I had to get a pedicure. I didn't know

what a pedicure was a month ago.

A pedicure is where somebody else

trims your toenails

'cause trimming the toenails with a cooker

in front prevents you from getting--

It's tough for big people.

It's daunting when you can't see it.

It's like diving for pearls. You gotta

hold your breath, go down, try to get...

Get as many as you can before

you black out. You're like, "Whoa."

Then you assess. You're like,

"I only got three! I got seven left.

This is gonna take some time."

You're coming in.

You try to do different angles,

trying to get your foot up on something.

You come in at a weird angle,

and you can't even see.

It's like detonating a bomb. You're like,

"Please don't take off the little toe!"

When your first move

to trim your toenails is back

and then forward

'cause you need momentum...

drop the ego and make that appointment.

I got my colonoscopy.

Little scary going in. Everything is fine.

I was nervous. The doctor called me

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