Kevin James Never Don't Give Up Page #5

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three days before, and he said,

"Here's how it's gonna go down, Kev.

The day before the procedure,

you don't eat at all.

The morning of the procedure,

I'm gonna take a camera,

and I'm gonna snake it into your colon.

I'm just gonna keep feeding it up there.

And don't worry.

If I see any abnormalities,

I'm just gonna burn them off on the spot."

I was like, "Whoa...

I can't eat anything the day before?"

He's like, "No."

I'm like, "Why not?"

He said, "When we get in there..."

I was like, "We?"

He's like, "Yeah, the team."

I'm like, "The team?"

I always thought a colonoscopy

was an individual sport,

like bowling or archery.

He's like, "When we get in there,

I want it to be like a clean highway.

I want it to be pristine."

I was like, "First off, you gotta

take the word 'pristine' off the table

if we're talking about my colon, okay?

'Cause my colon is not gonna look like

the poster in your office, I promise you.

The supermodel colons you got

in there all glistening and stuff.

Mine's gonna look like it went to war.

If it had a voice,

it would be like a Nick Nolte voice."

[imitating Nick Nolte]

"How you doing? I'm Kevin James' colon!

I'm his colon! [grunts]

Crap, Reggie. Crap."

I want to be around a long time.

I got four kids now, by the way.

Four little ones, yeah.

Do we have parents of young ones? Yeah?

Couple there. Yeah. Kids are great.

It's the greatest gift on the planet.

Children. There's no better gift.

When we had our first daughter,

I freaked out.

I told me wife,

"There's nobody on this Earth

I will ever love as much

as this little girl ever, ever again.

I'm just gonna pour all my love

into this child." My wife felt the same.

Then she got pregnant again.

We were worried.

We were like, "Wait, we just said

we love this one so much,

how do we split up our love?"

Honestly, we were nervous about it.

Our friends were like, "Relax.

Everybody goes through it.

It's unconditional love.

You love your kids equally."

And I gotta say, they were wrong.

I don't care for the second one,

I just don't...

She's just a little needy.

Every day, it's the same: "I'm hungry."

"Oh, really? That's some news.

We're all hungry, get in line."

She's my angel, that one.

She stops in the middle of the day.

She comes into my office middle

of the afternoon.

"Daddy, can I talk to you?"

I'm like, "Yeah, what's up?"

"I just want you to know, I love you."

Yeah, and I'm like,

"Are you kidding me? I love you."

She's like, "No! I love you so much."

I'm like, "I love you so much."

And she's like, "No!

I love you more than brownies."

I was like...

"Thank you. Thank you. I...

I love you more

than gluten-free brownies."

What do you say?

I didn't know what to say.

The new one, our little new one,

she's not a daddy's girl right now.

I wish she was.

The other day,she was crying

standing in the hallway, late at night.

I told my wife, "Let me go deal with her.

It'll give me a chance to bond with her."

I walk into the hallway and I'm like,

"What's the matter, sweetheart?"

She stops me. She goes, "I want my mommy.

I don't want you.

Go downstairs."

The first thing she said threw me

the most. She said, "I want my mommy."

She didn't say, "I want mommy,"

like we both know who mommy is.

She said, "I want my mommy,"

like "I don't even know

who the hell you are."

Then in case I'm confused,

she makes it very clear:

"I don't want you!"

Not only that, I don't even want you

on the same floor as me.

You need to be a floor below me...

"Chubby." I think she said chubby,

I'm not sure.

It was late at night.

It was under her breath,

but I think I heard,

"Out of my face, fatty" or something.

Kids are just so amazing.

Kids have abilities adults don't have.

'Cause they can go places mentally,

they haven't been scarred by life.

They can just do it.

I was at a doctor's appointment.

I had to get a checkup.

I'm in the waiting room with my daughter.

We're the only people there.

We're there for, like, 20 minutes.

I'm going out of my mind. I am so bored.

I went through all the magazines,

and I couldn't take it anymore, you know?

She couldn't have been happier.

She was just sitting there smiling.

Finally, I was like, "What are you doing?"

She said, "The air around my hand tastes

like Rice Krispies."

First thing I thought was,

"She's gotta get checked out."

Then I thought, "What a gift that is.

The gift to be able to taste Rice..."

I gotta tell you honestly

the air around my hand right now

does not taste like Rice Krispies,

but I want that gift.

Imagine being stuck in traffic,

"This sucks, it's gonna be two hours.

Wait a second.

I got chicken cutlet forearms.

I totally forgot

about my chicken cutlet forearms!"

An ability kids don't have is

the ability to wake an adult up gently.

They all do it the same way,

they walk in very stealth like

and stick their face so close to yours

you can feel the tiny pulsations of air

firing out of their baby nostrils.

And they speak at a volume,

as if they've been in a heated argument

with you for the last 25 minutes.

"Daddy!

Shea's foot keeps touching my foot!"

Okay.

After I peel myself off the ceiling,

I gotta breathe into a brown paper bag

for 20 minutes.

Putting kids to sleep is an art form.

Do you do it? Are you the one?

Mothers are fantastic at it.

I don't know what it is.

They're motherly, that's what it is.

My wife's so good at it because she wants

to be there. That's the thing.

By the way, when she gets there,

they feel comfortable.

When they feel comfortable,

they relax and go to sleep.

She's out of there eight minutes later.

Glitter shoots out the door.

Everybody's sleeping.

Every once in a while,

I'll get the call like a relief pitcher.

"Honey?" "Yeah?"

"Can you do me a favor?""What's up?

Just watching the game. Tied up. 11th."

"Could you put the girls to sleep tonight?

Could you do me a favor?

"Yeah. You want me to do it?"

"Yeah, yeah that'd be nice.

Could you, please?"

"Um...

Yeah, I want to do it.

I so want to do it tonight.

Should I put them tonight?"

"They sleep every night.

That's how it works. Yeah."

"Okay, I'll do it right now.

I'm gonna go."

And we go. But I don't wanna be there.

I'm not thinking how much I love them.

I'm thinking how do I get these animals

to sleep and get back to the game.

But that's the problem,

'cause when you go in there anxious

and plan on being somewhere else

and getting out of there,

kids are like wolves, they can sense

when you don't want to be there.

First of all, they look at you funny

'cause you're not the regular.

They're just kind of like...

I get nervous right away.

I feel like a narc wearing a wire.

"Nothing. I just want to go to sleep.

Who wants to sleep with Daddy?"

You just gotta lay there.

It's a waiting game. That's all it is.

It's who can out-wait the other party.

That's who wins the putting to sleep war.

And sometimes you win.

Sometimes you wait there long enough,

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