Kevin James Never Don't Give Up Page #6

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they'll fall asleep,

you go back and watch the game.

Other nights, it's four in the morning.

You fell asleep.

They're up putting toothpaste

in a light socket.

You lost that one.

Just chalk it up to a loss. It's fine.

But don't engage with them.

You cannot engage with them

'cause their goal is to stay up forever.

That's what they want to do.

They're very good at it. Professionals.

Don't talk to them, just lay down there

and just shut your eyes and don't talk.

Don't engage with them.

They're gonna be like, "Daddy?"

You're like, "Please, no. No Daddy.

We're going to sleep. Sleep time."

"Daddy, I love you."

"You shut up. You don't love me."

And when you think they're asleep,

do me a favor,

add 25 minutesto let that cement dry,

'cause that is the difference

between a rookie and a champion there.

Don't ever peek

to check if they're asleep,

'cause I promise you one of 'em

is gonna be standing over you

like a velociraptor, just kind of...

She will sense the heat in your eyelid

as it raises. She will elbow her sister,

boom, you just pressed reset

and added six hours to your night.

And even if you get them to sleep,

the dismount from the bed...

that is the most crucial move

of the evening.

You can undo all your hard work

with a sloppy dismount

because it's like a human game

of pick-up sticks.

You gotta move your body parts

without moving any of theirs.

You gotta get out of the bed.

I'm big, so when you roll to one side

of the mattress,

they come tumbling into the vortex.

Everybody's awake. Starting from scratch,

that's what I'm doing.

You do bedtime stories with your kids?

I can't stand them.

They're not like when we were kids.

The kids are so young

they don't understand what you're saying.

It's about spending time

with mommy and daddy. That's all it is.

It was quick. It was three pages.

Tommy lost a bike.

Tommy hopped a fence. He found his bike.

Now it's about these children's authors,

the book is like War and Peace.

You gotta read the whole thing.

I'm like...

They're not even listening.

You ever do a little editing on your own,

where you're just like...

If a couple of pages get stuck together,

I'm not thumbing them apart. No.

Like, the other night, I read them

Goldilocks and the Two Bears, we get it.

The night before that,

it was Horton Thinks He Hears a Who,

Turned out to be nothing, good night.

Be careful what you say around kids.

Kids are like sponges.

They may not understand

what you're talking about,

but they will take what you said,

and they internalize it,

and then they throw it back out at you

at the most inappropriate time.

I was at a little girl's birthday party

with my daughter.

Outta nowhere,my daughter just goes,

"This cake tastes like beer."

No, no.

No.

Two thoughts pop in my head immediately.

Number one, I have to convince

every other parent there

I have never, ever, evergiven her

a taste of beer in her life,

and number two, now I gotta try the cake.

I gotta give it a shot.

The other day I was playing

with my daughter. She's two and a half.

She was wrestling with me.

She's on my chest. We were having fun.

Then all of a sudden,

the action slowed down a little bit.

She stopped, and she looked at me,

and she sneezed...

right in my mouth.

And I threw up on her...

immediately.

Not like a little puke,

like I... like a fire hydrant.

I knocked her off my chest.

It was that fast. It was achoo...

[retches]

The reason I'm telling you this

is my wife got mad at me

for throwing up on our daughter.

She was like, "Why?"

"That's your own flesh and blood,

why would you throw up on her?"

Why would I throw up?

This isn't me not wanting

to finish her tuna sandwich!

Mucus that originated inher was launched

unbeknownst to me

right in my mouth,

nothing but net,

hit that little punching bag in the back!

Why would I? Like I made a choice.

Like I was sitting there,

she sneezed in my mouth,

I had time to think.

It's just not right.

"We should take some toys away from her,

teach her a lesson.

You know what? Check that.

I'm gonna throw up on her, hold her legs.

You hold her legs. I'm gonna get her.

I got nothing.

You gotta hold those chunky little legs."

I thought about both our actions,

how similar they were

with different outcomes, right?

It's so violent, the body reaction,

but they're very similar

in a sneeze and throwing up.

But a sneeze is so enjoyable,

and she did it the right way, too.

'Cause when you're young,

you don't think to block a sneeze.

That's how you're supposed to sneeze.

You're supposed to just let it go.

That's why when we're home alone,

that's what we do.

We get the sneeze feeling.

Hey, nobody's here. [sneezes]

You just let it rip

and then you watch the pixie dust

in the lightfor 20 seconds.

Still can't feel my legs. This is awesome.

This is euphoria. I'm good.

Throwing up, man,

that's a different story. Ooh.

This was horrible.

I took my kids to an amusement park.

And we're there, and I know I can't

do the rides like when I was young.

I used to be able to do any ride.

I can't handle it anymore. I can't do it.

So I was like,

"I have to do something, though.

The day's starting to wrap up,

and I gotta get on a ride,

'cause my son hasn't seen me go on a ride

with him at all.

We haven't done anything

bonding together."

And I'm like, "I gotta pick one out quick

and just be a man.

I gotta go on some of these rides."

So I scouted which ones I could do

and not get sick.

I was like,

"Teacups, they're out for sure.

I'll throw up immediately."

But then I saw the pirate ship.

You ever see the pirate ship

that goes back and forth? No, no, no.

I scouted it. Believe me,

it's only three minutes first of all,

and it doesn't go up all the way around,

which I was worried about.

I thought it was gonna go over the top.

It doesn't. It's a very short ride.

So I said, "I'll do it." And I get my son,

"Hey, you wanna go be pirates, man?"

He's like, "Yes, Dad, let's do it."

So we get on the ship and we buckle in.

And we're like, "Yeah, let's do it." Boom.

By the time the ride got here,

I knew I made a massive miscalculation.

And I just said, "Ooh, this is not good.

This is not good."

I just knew. You know when you know

you're gonna throw up?

You're like, "No, no, no, no."

I was like, "I can't do it!"

I had to buckle down. I gotta be strong.

I can't. My son will remember this

for the rest of his life.

He'll remember the time daddy threw up

on the pirate ship.

I can't do it. I gotta be a man.

I sucked it up.

I care too much about him

and his respect of me.

By the time the ship got here,

I didn't give a crap about my son.

I didn't care about anybody in the world.

The only two people I cared about

was me and the kid

in front of the red button

who could stop this thing.

But he's not looking at me,

'cause he's looking at his phone,

probably on some carnie dating site

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