Kevin James Never Don't Give Up Page #7

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just swiping.

Now I'm really panicked.

Then the ship went back one more time.

You know when you get that water

in the back of your mouth?

Kind of like vomit's way

of ringing the doorbell. "Hey...

How's it going?

We're in the neighborhood.

We're gonna be coming by

in about a couple minutes or whatever.

I don't know if you have a mint handy

in the house.

You might want to get a mint ready.

There's a whole bunch of us, too,

so you should leave the garage open.

We'll see you. Yeah, we're coming back.

We are coming back. It's on."

So now I'm panicked.

I'm praying that there's a little girl

in front of me.

I'm hoping she throws up...

so I can piggyback my puke with hers

and try to hide it from my son,

'cause my son's here. I'm a big guy.

If I can puke with her and throw it

this way or at least blame her.

She didn't puke, but I did.

I threw up big...

in my mouth...

And I swallowed it.

'Cause that's what a man does!

Take that, lactose intolerance!

And that's what men do.

Then we got fake tattoos

and got cotton candy after that.

So good, all food.

I can't. I get too fat and then I...

I lose weight, gain weight

and lose it again.

That's why I can't get a tattoo

unless it's like an accordion.

I just can't pull the trigger.

Do we have any tattoo people

here today? Yeah, you got?

-What's your name?

-Roscoe.

Roscoe? How's it going, bud?

Nice to see ya. How many you have?

[Roscoe] Three.

-Three? Give me one, what you get?

-A Tasmanian devil.

You got a Tasmanian devil?

Why'd you do that? Just 'cause you liked--

You were 19. That says a lot right there.

Cool. You got a Tasmanian devil,

what else? You got three?

-A clown in shackles.

-A clown in shackles...

First one's kinda cute, right?

The Tasmanian devil, but then...

Roscoe got a clown in shackles.

A clown on its own is weird enough.

Can you imagine that?

They don't even see that

at the tattoo shop very often,

but you were like, "We're almost done,

I want shackles on this guy.

You never know when he's getting away.

You just gotta keep him down."

What was the purpose of the shackles

and the clown? What does that represent?

-I forget.

-You forget, good.

I don't know if I'm buying that, Roscoe.

You don't get a clown in shackles

unless you're huffing paint somewhere.

Out in Yaphank. I don't think you're...

You can't forget something like that.

You got shackles and a clown.

What happened, man?

You were in Maui. Okay.

-I was a little high.

-You were a little high.

He's also got a straight jacket. Okay.

Now it's starting to make sense.

You could've stopped at Maui. I was good.

Anybody got more than Roscoe,

any more than three? You got a few here?

What's your name?

Hi, Selena, give me one of your tattoos.

[inaudible]

Oh, that's so sweet.

It's your's mom's actual handwriting?

You took it from a piece of paper?

That's sweet, that means something,

Roscoe clown with shackles! I get that.

That makes sense. She wasn't high in Maui

doing crazy meth, you nutjob!

Keep going, Selena, you talk.

Two what? Two Hello Kitties?

All right, you're off the hook, Roscoe.

How many you got?Seven? What's your name?

-Billy.

-Hey, Billy. Nice to see you, bud.

You got seven?

Give me one of 'em. What did you get?

Bill, look at me, man. What the heck

is wrong with you? He's like...

You can jump right in.

When I finish my sentence,

you can pop right in.

That's how conversation works.

I feel like I'm talking to somebody

in Tel Aviv or something, you know?

"How's it going down there, Billy?

Is everything all right?"

[mouthing]

"Everything is great, Kevin. Thank you."

Give me one of them. What is it?

-A lion.

-A lion. You just got a lion?

What does the lion represent?

What did you get that for?

It's a long story? We got plenty of time.

We're just shooting a special.

What is it?

You're a Leo. That wasn't so long.

That was pretty quick. Wow.

Okay.

So you got a lion. That's cool.

What else? Give me another one, Bill.

You got the Grim Reaper.

Okay, we're moving on.

We don't need to talk to Billy all night.

Okay, you got the Grim Reaper.

You got Jesus, too.

Balance it out, yeah, you need that.

If you're gonna get the Grim Reaper,

you have to get Jesus.

Okay, what else you got?

Give me another one.

You got some Chinese thing.

"I got some Chinese thing."

We could tell it means a lot to you.

That's a fun day at the tattoo shop

for Billy, huh? "What do ya got?"

I got a lion,

got the Grim Reaper, got Jesus...

I need a Chinese thing.

You got like a Chinese thing?

Chinesey, but not.

It's kinda like a thing.

Just Chinesey thing, just something.

What's a Chinese thing? What is it?

It's supposed to be "live for today,"

but the Grim Reaper fights that.

You got it all.

You got it all happening

on your back, right?

Another on the front. What you got there?

An Irish thing...

Are you Irish?

You're not even Irish. Wow!

You just were everywhere, all over.

Do you have any tattoos you regret?

No, you don't regret any of them.

Good for you. I like that, Billy.

At least you own up to it, good. Yeah.

You see people who regret them,

and I feel horrible.

I saw this one guy on the internet,

on the inside of his arm, it said,

"Never don't give up." Oh...

I felt so bad for him,

'cause we know what he wanted to say,

and he was so close!

'Cause "don't give up" works

or "never give up" works,

but he backed his ass

into a double negative.

And that's two stupid people,

'cause you know the tattoo artist

could have said something at some point.

I just wrote, "Don't give up."

Want me to put "never" in front of it?

Yes, put "never" in front

of "don't give up," okay?

A little less this and a little more...

[imitates tattoo needle]

You don't even have to go to a shop

to get a tattoo anymore. You know that?

They have a service called Tattoo 2 U,

where they will send a van to your house

to give you a tattoo.

"Yeah, how you doing?

Listen, I got like three DUIs.

I'm currently under house arrest.

I'm pretty hammered right now, but...

I need the Tasmanian devil

on my left ass cheek immediately.

I need a clown in shackles

just hanging out

around my waist line.

Could you guys send a van?

I'm in Maui."

You guys are the greatest.

God bless you all!

Thank you!

Good night, New York!

[hip hop music playing]

[audience cheering]

[man] Get up!

Siege

[music continuing]

Yeah!

And when you hear the sound

Of the drum

We'll be saying, "Here we come!"

Yeah, here we come

Hey, here we come

Huh! Here we come

Here we come

Yeah, here we come

Hey, here we come

Hey, here we come

Here we come!

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