Kristin's Christmas Past

Looks like Christmas

Looks like Christmas

Looks like Christmas to me

It's Christmastime

Sunny shine

Hey there, Santa

Buddy, wear your shades

Top the trees

Blowing in the breeze

Late December

And the weather's fine

And I guess I'll never know

While searching this

Heaven and snow

Looks like Christmas

Looks like Christmas

Looks like Christmas to me

Come on, you have two

minutes or I'm leaving.

Look, I know. I know, Jamie.

Give me, like, five seconds,

and I will be right down.

Anthony, my man!

Seriously? 30 minutes.

Yes, I'm late. Because unlike

the bobblehead models you date,

it actually takes me a minute

to pull this together.

Kristin, you remember Sophia.

Hello.

Oh, you brought Sophia

to my company Christmas party.

She wanted to come.

Right.

Those boots, they are so...

interesting.

Thank you, they're part of my costume.

It's a themed party.

You're supposed to dress

up like a Christmas past.

You didn't even dress up.

Yes, I did. The Hole t-shirt

you gave me for Christmas.

Really? I gave that to you when?

Circa what? Circa high school.

I can't believe you remember that.

I don't remember what

you gave me last year.

I paid off your student loan.

What? It wasn't a big deal.

It's not to you, Richie

Rich, but it saved me from

another round of egg donations.

Right, hey, let's get

this party started.

What's... oh, um, no.

Sexy Santa helper in an

after-hours club in college.

We were in the same

college. How did I miss that?

It's my Christmas past, you get it?

Aah! Let's take a picture with Santa.

Seriously?

My costume is funny.

Why isn't anyone

getting that it's funny?

Because people are sad and humorless.

Oh, you get it, right?

Yeah, I totally get it.

Oh yeah, I get it, too.

I think you make the

perfect slutty Santa.

All right, let's boogie.

Doesn't look like anybody else

got the memo that this

is a costume party.

Hey! Sasha!

Yo, Sasha?

What happened to the

Christmas Past theme?

You didn't get my e-mail?

Um, obviously no.

Oh, sorry. My bad.

She did that on purpose.

She wants my job.

I officially hate Christmas.

Ladies, how about some drinks?

This better not be a

beer and wine party.

Ready to go?

Already?

We've only been here just over an hour.

Is that all?

Come on, I always do

this party with Kris.

I know, I know. You

always do this with Kris.

You always do that with Kris.

What do you want me to

do? She's my best friend.

Did you even tell her yet?

About Christmas Eve? No.

Not yet, but I will.

I'm just... she's...

she's in a really

vulnerable place right now

with the break-up and everything.

I'm just waiting for the right moment...

Unbelievable. Hey, hey. Sophia.

I will tell her. I promise you.

I'm just... I just

need a little more time.

You have a right to grow up too, Jamie.

No matter what Kristin thinks.

Yo.

I'm so sorry Sophia took the car.

No, you're not. Yes, I am.

Because she took the car.

My feet are killing me.

You want me to get you a cab?

No, I'm good. It's the most exercise

I've got all week.

I'm so fat.

I'd kill for a cheeseburger right now.

Aw, me too. Wouldn't you kill for

a cheeseburger right now?

Sophia's on this crazy

vegetarian diet.

I know, I know, I know.

I actually snuck out the

other night for some...

God! I did... you cannot tell her.

You cannot tell. I would be in

so much See, that's what you get

for dating the ultra-hip

and the ultra-thin.

You just got a secondary

eating disorder...

Hey! Ow! Suck it, Santa!

Ho-ho-ho! Ow!

Can we please not

harass any classic

American icons tonight?

Sorry, but you know that

Christmas makes me both

destructive and self-destructive.

You know that. Ow.

Not everybody goes home

for the holidays, Kris.

Really? Yeah.

Do you know anybody who

hasn't gone home for Christmas?

Like, besides me?

You could always call

your mother, and...

Oh, and say what? What

would I say? I would say,

"Um, hi, Mom. I'm so sorry I've never

called you back for 17 years. "

You know what? I just

don't think that would work.

You know, and, besides,

why do I need to?

I have you.

There's something I

need to tell you, Kris.

Snacks.

Wait.

It's like an elf threw up in here.

Merry Christmas.

Bah humbug.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

What do you think I should go with?

Jalapeno?

Ooh, nacho cheese.

Hah!

Ooh, what is that?

I'm sorry, I meant to

give this to you earlier.

It's your Christmas present.

I... I don't understand.

Why aren't we doing that

tomorrow on the rooftop?

That's the thing.

I don't know if...

Uh-uh. No.

No-no-no.

No-no-no, that

is our tradition.

17 years. You and I.

Rooftop. Christmas

Eve. The anti-Christmas.

I'm taking Sophia home for Christmas.

So...

I'm not gonna be here

for the rooftop this year.

I'm sorry. I didn't

know how to tell you.

Wait a second, like

home? Like home-home,

Pasadena, home-home?

That home.

I don't understand.

You don't even like her.

Yes, I do. No, you don't.

No, you don't. 'cause

she doesn't drink.

She doesn't eat meat.

The woman doesn't listen to music.

I'm sorry, but who

doesn't listen to music?

That's weird. That's weird.

That's a flag. This isn't about Sophia.

Then what is it about?

Is it about torturing me?

Kristin, come on.

My parents aren't getting any younger.

Who knows how many more Christmases

they have left?

What does that even mean?

I just think it's time to grow up.

To start going home for Christmas

like normal people.

Please don't leave me

alone for Christmas.

No, I'm sorry, I cannot live

in the past anymore.

I have to go.

Merry Christmas.

Can I please have a bottle of champagne?

What is that?

No charge. Special gift for Christmas.

Seriously?

It's delicious. Please take it.

Ooh, yeah. Yeah. I will take it.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Hey. Bean.

Oh, did you miss me, young man?

Yeah, well.

We're gonna celebrate

Christmas alone this year, Bean.

because Jamie's decided

to go home for Christmas

with some bobblehead model.

Yeah.

That is amazing.

Oh, Bean.

I'm sorry, but you can't have any.

At least you'd never

leave me to drink alone.

Yeah?

Oh, Bean.

I do this to myself.

I'm alone on Christmas.

And it's been so long I don't even know

how to fix it.

hanging mistletoe...

See the laughing eyes

That's really good.

I just wish

I could go home.

And the voices singing...

Who are you? And why are you in my bed?

Oh my God. Where did you come from?

Oh my God, baby Bean.

Don't touch my cat. How do you know

my cat's name?

Put my cat down. Baby Bean.

Oh my God, you are like one of those

addicted people who

crawls in the wrong window.

I'm not. Trust me.

Hey, stay away from me.

I promise you I'm not

one of those people.

Do not touch me,

or I will

dial 9-1-1.

Please don't do that. Give me one reason

I shouldn't.

Because I'm not a stranger.

I'm you. What?

Yeah. Um... Okay.

I said a good reason, you crazy lady.

What is this? Is this, like, 1997?

It's '96.

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