Kristin's Christmas Past Page #2

How do you not know what year it is?

And, seriously, how could you be me?

You are, like, old.

And wearing a Santa stripper outfit.

I am 34, that is not old.

And, look, I don't know why I'm here.

other than this is, like,

the world's worst hangover.

And this is some kind

of crazy fever dream.

But I am telling you

that I am you.

From the future.

Prove it.

Prove it?

Okay, I'll prove it.

Um...

This scar. You got it

when you were ten years old.

Dad got me that giant sled,

and I ran it right into a parked car.

I kept asking if I was gonna die.

You have been best friends with Jamie

since you were in first grade.

Jamie? Um.

Hold on, um...

Oh.

No, there's nothing in there.

Uh, no... Yes.

Wait. Oh, no, that's private.

How did you know that was there?

Seriously?

Nobody cares that you have

a crush on Bill Clinton.

I mean, just don't get

an internship in D.C.,

and you'll be fine.

This does not make any sense

in any way whatsoever. Oh!

You love Jerry Maguire.

You were totally obsessed

with the O.J. trial.

Everyone was obsessed

with that trial, not just me.

How about in fifth grade?

You lied to your teacher,

and you told her that

your mother was deaf to keep her from

calling her when you hit Brian Cisneros

in the face with an umbrella.

Right?

Right.

Oh my God.

So...

You're me.

Grown-up Kris.

Kristin. You're gonna drop that

Kris-with-a-"y" stuff

ten minutes into college.

No, I won't. I love using the "y. "

I know you do. I remember it fondly.

So why do you think you're here?

I don't know.

Breakfast will be ready in five minutes.

I'll be right down. Shh!

Shut up! Can you hear me? Kristin Marie?

That means I want you dressed

and downstairs in five minutes.

I said okay.

You think I should hide?

I should hide, right?

No. No way. Babs is a hawk.

She will, like, smell you are something.

Uh, okay, I have to come

up with some kind of story.

Yes. For my mom.

Oh my God, I mean our mom.

Mom. Yeah.

Okay, first, we need to get

you out of those clothes.

And that makeup, or she will think

you're a prostitute.

Easy. Oh,

I am so sorry, sweetheart.

but the frozen yogurt machine in college

puts an end to the size two pants.

Okay, well, what size are you exactly?

This is a really hard

question to answer truthfully.

I'm an eight. That's the

exact same size as my mom.

Perfect. Just wait here.

Okay, wow.

Please, just pick something, quick.

I need to get downstairs.

No-no, wait for me.

No, you can't just

walk downstairs with me.

They will see you.

Okay, well, what am I supposed to do?

I mean, I can't just

jump out the window.

You have to jump out the window.

Ow!

You okay?

Ow! Oh, shoes.

I hate shoes.

Ow!

Ow!

Aah.

Okay, just go to the front door,

and ring the bell, and

I'll figure the rest out.

Okay.

Ow. I so should've

spent more time in pilates.

Ow. Ow.

Long time, no see.

9213 Evergreen.

Good morning.

I said five minutes. It's been ten.

Debby's not up yet.

That's not the point.

It's a family holiday.

We have a lot to do.

Kristin. Don't roll your eyes at me.

It's Krys, Mom, with a "y. "

It's too early for Jamie to be here.

Oh, let's see who it is.

Shall we?

Hello?

Hi.

Mrs. Cartwell, hi.

Mom, this is Kay. She...

is an NYU alum.

She is visiting a couple

of incoming students.

So she's sort of, like, my mentor.

And, uh...

Kay, this is my mother, Barbara.

Oh. You're recruiting on Christmas Eve?

Mom, come on.

I was supposed to go home tonight,

but there is a...

blizzard.

On the east coast.

Yeah, the airline said there might

not be any flights for... days,

so she was gonna visit a

student in Sherman Oaks,

but his family went to Big Bear,

so I wasn't gonna leave

her alone on Christmas

in her hotel room, right?

So you invited her here.

It would have been nice to ask, Kristin.

Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Mom.

I totally forgot.

Being so stressed, what with

being grounded my whole break.

We don't need to go into that right now.

Well, we can't leave you

stranded on Christmas, can we?

come in.

I don't think Kay would

mind if we talked about it.

Would you, Kay?

Talked about what?

About why I was grounded for coming home

30 minutes before my curfew.

You were only grounded because you lied.

You said you were out with Trudy,

and you were out with that boyfriend.

His name is Maverick.

Maverick? Maverick Odell?

You're so funny, Kay.

You know that Maverick is

my boyfriend who mom hates.

I don't hate him.

I just don't think you should

base your choice of college on him.

I'm sorry, Kay. We shouldn't be

talking about this in front of you.

Oh, no, it's fine. Really.

I hope you don't mind me saying,

but NYU is a great school,

and even if she goes there for a guy,

which I'm not saying she should,

it might all work out.

Or not.

We were just about to have breakfast.

Have you eaten?

I'm coming, I'm coming!

Aunt Debby!

Debby, it's 10:
30.

You're not even dressed.

How you doing, baby?

Who let you out of your cell?

And who's this?

Oh, sorry. Um, Kay,

this is my sister, Debby.

Hey, Kay. Debby!

Merry frickin' Christmas. Hi, Debby!

Kay. You all right there, Kay?

I'm starting to lose

circulation in my face.

Oh.

Oh, no. I am...

I'm so sorry.

Did we know each other

in college or something,

'cause that was a

very experimental time,

and I don't remember a lot.

No, no, no.

Uh, you just look like somebody

that I used to know.

It's nice to meet you.

Debbie.

You too.

Okay. Should we have breakfast?

Do we have a choice, Herr Barbara?

Kay.

We don't have a choice.

Kay, you coming?

Yeah, sorry.

That's a lovely outfit.

I have one just like it.

Merry Christmas, Aunt Debby.

Mm. Merry Christmas, knucklehead.

Kristin, please get your father.

Dad! Breakfast!

Krys and I are doing a little

last-minute shopping later, Deb.

Would you like to join us?

No. I am going to stay in my pajamas

and read magazines all day long.

I'll go.

Really?

That would be nice, Kay.

Dad, this is Kay, my advisor.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

Likewise.

Mornin'.

So, uh, can Maverick come with us?

Shopping?

Are you kidding?

How is Milton?

Dad, you know his name is Maverick.

Is it?

Why can't he come?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

If he isn't coming shopping,

I want him to come to midnight mass.

Absolutely not.

1996. This is that Christmas Eve.

This... this...

Oh, wow. Oh.

You guys know that I have Tourette's.

It's so awkward for me, blurting stuff.

Krys, can I please see you for a second?

Thank you.

She's an advisor?

You are being really weird.

1996. I know why I'm here.

This was my last Christmas at home.

What? What do you mean?

Why would you... we not

come home for Christmas?

I mean, things get complicated.

Let's just say that this is

a very important Christmas.

A turning point. Things happen tonight.

That change everything.

So now, by being here with you,

this is my chance.

Your chance?

Your chance to do what?

To change my Christmas past.

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