Late Phases

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1

- Hey, you need help?

- No, I'm just looking.

Well, what exactly

is your range, price-wise?

Depends, what do they cost?

Well, we got little ones and big ones.

- Big ones start at about three thousand.

- No senior citizen discount?

I sell headstones at a senior

citizen discount, I won't last long.

What do you got on the small scale?

Well, the one you were looking at,

that starts at three hundred.

That's pretty good for a budget.

Yeah, but these are sh*t, people step

on 'em, they wear the words off.

Well, they ain't cheaper

'cause they're better.

Well, the VA's picking up the tab for the

funeral but I gotta pay for the headstone.

Oh, pay for the funeral, that's nice.

Listen, you're a vet,

I'll give you five percent,

plus we'll throw in some flowers.

I'm sure that's a comfort

to dying vets everywhere. Come.

Listen, you want me to

hold anything for you?

Let me think about it, I got time.

Here, pop. Right here. Come on.

Yeah, people always think they got time.

So...

- how'd it go?

- It was lovely. What do you think?

I think it was a bad idea to begin with.

- Did you pick something?

- Dying ain't cheap.

It costs less to pay you to stand in the

cemetery and point at my grave all day.

Will you get off the goddamn cellphone?

It's illegal.

Are you kidding?

How did you know that I was...

Can you hear me pushing

the buttons or something?

You're driving like an idiot,

you're all over the road.

Okay, I'm just... I'm trying to tell Ann

that this is taking a little bit

longer than I thought,

and that I'm going to be late

for dinner. That's all.

Hey.

Hey!

Easy, boy.

Speed limit's 25.

Thanks a lot f***ing a**hole.

I gotta live here, Will. Don't make them

hate me, I can do that on my own.

What's it look like?

It's nice.

It is... you know,

the houses are close together, but...

It reminds me of that place

we used to live in when I was a kid.

Any jerk-offs staring at us?

Yeah.

Yeah, they are. Yep.

But, I mean, who can blame them,

this is probably the most exciting thing

that's happened to them in a month.

Jesus, what's his problem?

It's you. You have your mother's scent.

That's the first time you've mentioned

her since her funeral, pops.

Come.

- Dad, wait for me, I'll be right there.

- I got it.

- Mailbox on your right.

- Thanks.

Hold on, pops, let me get your bags.

Looks like we beat the movers here.

Sounds empty.

Yeah.

I feel like I'm dropping

you off at prison.

You don't look like

a necklace kind of guy.

I can't see you,

but you smell beautiful.

Oh, thank you very much.

- Did you just move next door?

- Yes.

It's so nice to see

a new face around here.

It's nice to hear somebody referring

anything of me as "new."

- Delores.

- Ambrose.

Hello, Ambrose.

- Hello, Delores.

- Hello, hello.

Delores... Can you tell me what that is?

- Claw-something? Some kind of claw?

- Dad?

You know I really don't like it when you

go walking around without Shadow like that.

I'm sorry, excuse me, my name's Will.

I'm Ambrose's son.

- Oh, hello, Will. Delores.

- Nice to meet you, miss.

Can I get you back to the house?

The movers are going to be here any minute.

I hope to smell you again very soon.

I hope so, too.

Right this way, pops.

- Knock, knock!

- Hello!

Who's there?

We are Crescent Bay's Welcoming Party,

and, well, we just couldn't wait

to introduce ourselves to you!

- I'm Emma.

- And I'm Gloria!

- I'm Clarissa.

- Ambrose McKinley.

Mr. McKinley, is there anything

we can do to help?

No, thanks.

- Did you bring cake?

- Yes.

Yes we did!

And where would you like us to put it?

I can't eat sugar, but thanks anyway.

You were a veteran.

I am a veteran, twenty years

United States Army. Five years Vietnam.

Oh, my!

Oh, that's very impressive!

Yeah? You didn't hear? We lost that one.

Oh, there don't tend

to be firearms at Crescent Bay.

That's nice.

- I didn't think it was legal.

- What, for a blind person to own guns?

- It's legal.

- Oh.

Perhaps you were thinking of retards.

Now, you just hold on

one minute, Mr. McKinley...

You hold on one minute.

I'm a weapons expert.

I know more about guns

than you do Pop-Tarts.

So thank you for the sugar

and have a nice night.

Well...

Welcome to Crescent Bay, Mr. McKinley.

Any help at all, Mr. McKinley...

I'd see you ladies to the door,

but I'm blind.

There we go.

Are you a good doggie,

or are you a bad doggie?

You're a good doggie... yes.

That's my boy. Is that good?

Is that good? Yes.

Darn!

Hey, mom, it's me. I just wanted to say

I'm sorry we missed the yard sale...

Victoria! Are you there?

Hi, Mom!

Didn't think you'd still be awake.

I sure am!

Thank you for calling, sweetheart.

But you actually said

you'd come help tomorrow.

Are you sure?

I'm looking at my planner and...

Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry.

Oh, God. I hope I didn't confuse you.

I'm not the one who's confused,

Victoria.

If I didn't remember these things

nobody else would.

Mom, I'm sorry!

I've been all over the...

Even I can see this ain't

the goddamn bedroom.

What the hell is that?

Mom, remember when we talked about changing

your outgoing answering machine message?

It's just nice to hear

his voice, Victoria.

I'd feel so much better

if you let us get you another dog.

Just a little someone

to keep you company.

There is no point in getting

dog after dog, sweetheart,

if they're all going to run away.

If a third dog runs away I'm going

to have to start taking it personally.

Shadow! Where are you, boy?

Anyway, mom,

I'm going to have to go.

I have to put the little munchkins...

Julie! Put that... put that down!

Mom, I've got to put

the little ones to bed.

Victoria, can you just stay

with me for a second?

Can you stay on the line with me?

Shadow.

What is it, boy?

What? Mom?

Hello? Mom?

Is everything okay?

Delores! Delores!

Delores! Delores!

Delores!

Hello, you've reached

Delores and Jonathan.

Please leave us your name

and number and we'll...

Delores! Delores!

- Mom?

- Delores!

- Delores!

- Mom?!

Okay. Call me back.

Shadow?

What did I do with the guns?

Shadow?

Shadow?

Shadow?

It's me, boy. C'mon.

Shadow?

Shadow? Shadow?

It's okay.

Daddy's here.

It's okay.

Daddy's here, boy.

Shadow.

You know we wouldn't have to come back here

if you hadn't left early last night, right?

You smell that?

- No.

- Swear to God,

I can smell this old folk smell

from all the way up here.

- Really?

- It's following me.

Why is it that they

don't smell the same?

It's almost like, it's on their furniture,

it's on their clothes. I don't even know.

- Is it something medical, you think?

- Dude. Not all old people smell like that.

No, no, no! Old people do smell like that,

I'm telling you.

I smell my grandfather like, every day.

I sleep with him.

I've been sleeping with him

for ten years. In the same bed!

I'm not even lying to you, man!

I'm serious.

Yeah, just be glad

it's not patchouli, alright?

You're lucky you were on vacation when we

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