Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events

Bum buttery flit fluttery Dum diddly-ooh Bum buttery bluebird is singing a tune Daffodil dillies awaken and prune Bursting in bloom All the flowers assume It's a loverly, loverly spring

Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing along Humming their join-in-a-spring-along song Spring is the springiest time for a song It's a loverly, loverly spring In the forest we play with the rabbits all day...

I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching.

The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant.

If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two.

However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organisations, then stay as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps.

My name is Lemony Snicket and it is my sad duty to document this tale.

Violet Baudelaire, the eldest, was one of the finest 14-year-old inventors in the world.

Anyone who knew Violet well could tell she was inventing something when her long hair was tied up in a ribbon.

In a world of abandoned items and discarded materials, Violet knew there was always something.

Something she could fashion into nearly any device for nearly every occasion.

And no one was better to test her inventions than her brother.

Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child, loved books, or rather, the things he learnt from books.

The Baudelaire parents had an enormous library in their mansion.

A room filled with thousands of books on nearly every subject.

And nothing pleased Klaus more than spending an afternoon filling up his head with their contents.

And everything he read, he remembered.

Sunny, the youngest, had a different interest.

She liked to bite things and had four sharp teeth.

There was very little that Sunny did not enjoy biting.

Sunny was at an age when one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks.

For instance...

Which probably meant, "Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog."

Or perhaps, "What is a banker like Mr Poe doing trudging through the sand

"to find us at Briny Beach?"

Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremely unfortunate event.

I'm very sorry to tell you your parents have perished in a fire that's destroyed your entire home.

If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels.

And if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.

No one knows the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire.

My colleagues and I have investigated the best we can, but all we've discovered is that the blaze was started from a great distance through the refraction and convergence of light, and within moments, the entire mansion was in flames.

And as mysterious as the source of the blaze, other mysteries began to unfold before the children's eyes.

Every family has its secrets, doors left unopened, but as Klaus now realised, the smallest discovery would send his mind reeling with questions.

What was this spyglass, hidden in his father's desk?

Were there other secrets about their parents' lives yet to be revealed?

Questions he now feared might never be answered.

And just like that, the Baudelaire children became the Baudelaire orphans.

I tried to warn you.

This is an excellent opportunity to walk out of the theatre, living room or aeroplane where this film is being shown.

It's not too late to see a film about a happy little elf.

Yes, come with me.

Now, as chief officer of Mulctuary Management, and the executor of your parents' estate, it is my legal obligation to take care of your money till you come of age, and to place you in the care of your closest relative.

So I'm taking you to live with your dear Count Olaf who resides right here in the city, just 37 blocks away.

I don't think that's what "closest" is supposed to mean.

We don't know a Count Olaf. Of course you do.

He's either your third cousin four times removed or fourth cousin three times removed.

Someone's brain's been removed.

Sunny!

And he's an actor by trade. Isn't that exciting, children?

You should count yourselves lucky, children.

This sort of generosity is rare in a person of his profession.

Here we are, your new home.

Isn't it lovely, children?

Hello.

You must be the Baudelaires.

Hi.

I was so sorry to hear about the accident, but so happy to hear you were coming here.

Welcome. I'm Justice Strauss of the city high court.

I'm Violet and this is my brother, Klaus, and my sister, Sunny.

Poe, Mulctuary Management.

How do you do? Lovely.

Your house is so beautiful. Thank you.

Please, don't be strangers. Come visit me any time you like.

Visit? You don't live with Count Olaf?

Live with Count Olaf? No! No, no.

He's my neighbour.

Let's sleep outside.

Intrude!

We haven't got all day. In you go.

Well, hello, hello, hello.

I am your beloved Count Olaf.

And welcome to my loverly home.

May you find solace within the womb-like warmth of its downy plume.

Or as the Greeks in the ancient times would say, "Orphanis encribo, something, something, something..."

Music builds to a crescendo.

Ending on the right foot.

And strike a Fosse!

Not exactly what I was going for, but you get the idea.

My dear

Violet.

Enchanté.

How do you do?

And this must be Klaus.

Young Klaus.

Your left side is the good one.

And what is this?

I'm Sunny.

I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey.

Banana.

I am not a monkey!

Sunny's our sister.

I must say, you're a gloomy-looking bunch.

Why so glum?

Our parents just died.

Yes, of course. How very, very awful.

Wait, let me do that one more time.

Give me the line again. Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind.

Our parents just... died?

Yes.

What a schmuck!!

Mr Poe.

I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted.

And though you would call it a burden, a sacrifice, you are mistaken, sir, and should be ashamed of yourself!

The idea!

Anyway, where do I sign for the fortune... I mean, children?

You won't officially have guardianship until the hearing on Thursday morning.

And what am I to do with them until then?

Excuse me?

What I mean is... Do you work out?

You look good. Healthy, I mean.

Well, I'd better get back to the bank.

Can't you stay for a brief imbibement?

A glass of port? Sanka?

I suppose... Another time then.

Children, if you need anything... No, we're fine. We're all fine.

Any questions...

I realise that my humble abode isn't as fancy as the Baudelaire Mansion, but I'm coming into a great deal of money soon and I think it'll be quite charming when it's finished.

Shall we take a look?

This is the living room.

The kitchen.

I know what you're thinking.

This place could use a little TLC.

I trust you've had your tetanus shots. Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.

This is the entertainment or rumpus room.

I'm told the ceiling can be brought up to code in no time.

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