Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events Page #2

You're not afraid of heights, are you?

Imagine that. A monkey afraid of heights.

My theatre. This way.

What's that up there?

The tower, which you are never to enter,

under any circumstances.

This is where you'll sleep, time permitting. Nighty-night.

But the sun's still up. But the sun's still up.

I don't know if you've ever noticed, but first impressions are often entirely wrong.

For instance, Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all.

But by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were thick as thieves.

A phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end."

In the case of Count Olaf, however...

Orphans!

...they were correct.

Every morning, Count Olaf would order the Baudelaires to do a great number of terrible chores.

After which, he would stalk off to his mysterious tower room.

And as unfortunate as their situation seemed, it was only about to get worse.

I woke up in a tub full of ice in Baja, and I realised that these girls had stolen my kidney.

No!

Imagine my surprise.

Orphans, this is my acting troupe.

Acting troupe, orphans. They don't look rich.

Ugly little people.

Why aren't you children in the kitchen preparing our dinner?

Dinner?

It's the French word for the evening meal.

On the back. Flip it.

We'll take it in the dining room at 8:00.

We expect absolute silence while we're rehearsing our play.

But we've never made dinner before.

It's already 7:
30. 8:00!

Pasta it is.

Okay. Let's start casting this puppy.

Now, who shall play the most handsome count in all the world?

Would you do it, sir?

All right.

Pasta Puttanesca. That's Italian for "very few ingredients."

That's great.

Sunny, a little help.

I'm on it.

Okay, we're going to need a pot. No pot.

And a strainer. No strainer.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

And a saucepan.

This is a little piece I like to call "Electric Chair".

I think you might have to turn it up.

Is anybody out there?!

Strainer. That's brilliant.

Sunny, how's that pot coming?

Voilà.

Sunny, that's not a pot.

It's a spittoon.

A spittoon? You mean, like...

We'll wash it twice.

Well?

It's good. It's really good.

Time check.

Let's go back to prehistoric times when dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

Baudelaire orphans to the courtesy desk.

What do you want?

Dinner is served.

Puttanesca.

What did you call me?

It's pasta. Pasta Puttanesca.

Where's the roast beef?

Roast beef?

Beef. Yes. Roast beef.

It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted.

But you didn't tell us you wanted roast beef.

You know, there's a big world out there filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across an ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow that is cast by my accomplishments.

But I don't care about them.

I chose to open my heart to you two loverly children and your hideous primate.

All I ask in return is that you do every thing that pops into my head while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.

No. Why, you little...

Back off, parrot face!!

I'll bite higher!

Don't mock me!

Wow. You are nuts.

It's time you children learnt a little respect.

Back! Put her down!

You monster!

You all saw it. The boy slipped.

You won't get a cent until Violet turns 18.

Really?

Says who? The law. Look it up.

We're going to call Mr Poe about this right now.

Are you?

I'm very disappointed in you, children.

Where were we?

Are you okay? No.

Klaus, what are you doing?

I'm going. Going where?

Home.

This is our home now.

This is not home.

Home is where your parents put you to bed at night, where they teach you to ride a bike, or where they get choked up on your first day of school.

This is not home.

How could they do this to us?

They're just bad people.

Not them. Mom and Dad.

Klaus. Violet, you're thinking it too.

How could they? They had no plan for us at all?

Well, maybe they did have a plan.

Well, it sure looks like it to me.

Do you remember when Mom and Dad went to Europe?

We thought they'd abandoned us because they didn't even write.

We found out they'd written a letter that got lost in the mail.

Do you remember how guilty we felt for thinking bad thoughts about them?

This is just like that.

No, it's not.

Why?

Because they're not in Europe.

They're not coming back.

Do you think anything will ever feel like home again?

"Sanctuary" is a word which here means a small, safe place in a troubling world.

Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea.

The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening in the sanctuary they built together.

I see it, I see it.

But in their hearts they knew the troubling world lay outside.

Like this.

A world, which I'm sad to say, can be described in two dismal words.

Custody granted.

Thank you, Your Honour. Nice doing business with you.

Children, I've been contemplating our situation and I realise that I've been a bit standoffish, shall we say?

Which in this case is a big, big word meaning...

Pure evil.

...tough but fair.

But now that we're family, I can make it up to you.

I can be the ultimate dad.

I know. Let's stop for a treat.

Soda. Soda. Banana.

Bite me.

Got it.

Violet.

Where'd the locks go?

Hello. I'm going on a perfectly innocent ride in the country with my kids, whom I love.

Is that clock correct?

What is it?

I think it's a schedule.

Kiwi Watermelon Surprise. My favourite.

Go!

He took the keys.

Try everything.

Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing

Count Olaf? Hello. Poe.

I'm calling about that inheritance question you raised.

Thank goodness. Who is this?

It's Violet. We're in Count Olaf's car.

Hello, Violet. Where's Count Olaf?

He's not here right now, but... You're driving the car alone?

The car is on the train tracks and the train is coming.

I'm sorry, Violet, I can't hear a thing. I'm driving next to a train!

We're going to be hit by a train.

Right. Yes. I can't hear because of the train!

I'll call you back when I get to the bank! Goodbye!

Klaus, you've read books on trains.

What do we do?

Track switcher.

There!

It's too far away. No.

There has to be something we can use to pull it.

There's nothing in here. There's always something.

Sunny, bite the head off that elf.

Love to!

Quick, pull it back in.

Violet. I got it.

I don't mean to rush you.

Nice shot. Thank you. Pull.

Mr Poe. Dear Mr Poe.

Can't we discuss this like reasonable men?

I'm sorry, but allowing a child of Sunny's age to drive a car is not good parenting.

He tried to kill us. Let us not exaggerate.

The vehicle was not even in gear.

May I have a moment alone with the children?

Goodbye, kids.

It's been fun.

I'm going to get you.

No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll find you.

You are so deceased.

Take them, Mr Poe.

Before I lose it big time.

Trumping a talentless villain might seem all in a day's work for three ingenious orphans, but the Baudelaires savoured their victory as they sped towards their new home.

What lay ahead for them was unclear, but they remained cautiously optimistic that their next guardian would be better than the last, or at least wouldn't try to flatten them with a train.

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