Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events Page #3

Do you know what kind of scientist he is?

I don't. I was far too busy making arrangements.

I didn't have time for chitchat. Hello!

Oh, my goodness.

Look at you. You must be Violet.

Do you remember me?

I don't suppose so, you were just a little baby at the time.

And, Klaus, we've never met. How do you...

What a firm grip. Like a Burmese python.

And Sunny. Little Sunny.

You look so much like your dear mother.

Thank you very much, Mr Poe. I'll take it from here.

Well, perhaps I should come inside. By all means.

You could help us pick out the gut worms from the bowel of the Viscid Boa.

Children, remember, if you need me any time, you can reach me by phone or fax.

Good day.

Well, we got rid of him, didn't we?

Come in. Come in.

There's not much time and we have to pack.

Pack?

Did you say "pack"? Yes.

We have to pack all the equipment.

Then there's the essentials like clothing.

And we have to tag the snakes who are coming with us.

Coming where?

Did I mention we're going to Peru? No.

Yes, we are going to Peru. Tomorrow morning.

Isn't that exciting?

This way to the Reptile Room.

Welcome to my humble abode.

You children know anything about snakes?

Only what I've read in books.

No, not very much.

Well, we may have one or two things here that aren't in books.

I'll just put the big fellow in his bed and introduce you to a few of me friends.

Over here...

That's the two-headed cobra. Well spotted.

Is that a he or a she?

I have no idea. Didn't think it polite to ask.

And over here, the Tibetan Third Eye Toad.

We can't stop this fellow chanting.

And now, children, you have to see my latest discovery.

Found him in Tanzania. One of a kind.

The Incredibly Deadly Viper.

My assistant Gustav and I may be the only people ever to have seen him.

I'm sorry. My ribbon just jammed.

Let me just adjust it here.

There we are.

Now...

Where was I?

Yes. The attack of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

Not to worry, little one. You're all right.

It can't possibly harm you. Here we go.

The Incredibly Deadly Viper couldn't have harmed her?

No, no.

It's a big softy.

One of the least harmful and friendliest creatures in the animal kingdom.

It's a misnomer.

I only called him that to play a prank on those stuffed shirts down at the Herpetological Society.

Uncle Monty, why are we going to Peru?

Just this morning I was wondering, "How are we all going to get out of town together?"

And I thought, "Peru." They have snakes in Peru, don't they?

But why are we getting out of town?

Violet, do you know snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them?

Few people do.

When threatened, a snake will retreat to a place that is quiet, safe, remote.

A sanctuary where it can feel out of danger.

That's why Peru.

Wait. That spyglass. I saw one like that...

Plenty of time for chitchat later.

But right now what I need is an inventor, a reader and a biter.

Know any?

My teeth are at your service, Sir...

High upon Highlands and low upon Tay Bonnie George Campbell rode out on a day Saddled and bridled, so gallant rode he Home came his good horse but never came he

Petunia, what have I told you about this?

She thinks I'm a tree, you know.

I think I know that song.

I think... I think our parents used to play it for us.

They certainly did, as I did for mine.

You had children? Oh, yes.

And a wife and a home.

Until the fire.

A fire?

I may know better than anyone what you're going through.

But it's going to be all right.

We'll be among people who understand us.

People who are like us.

People who appreciate unique children who can read and invent and bite things.

Uncle Monty, why are you doing all this for us?

Isn't that what family does?

"And so the Baudelaire children went to Peru

"and together had wonderful adventures

"with their loving and wonderful new guardian.

"The end."

These are the words I desperately wish I could type.

I would give anything to say that the story ends here.

But alas, my mission is not to weave happy endings where they do not occur, but to report the actual events in the lives of the unfortunate Baudelaire children.

And as much as it pains me, I must confess that their troubles had only just begun and it did so with two musical notes.

Hello.

I am looking for Dr Montgomery Montgomery.

I am Stephano.

I am an Italian man and I am here to assist him in his research as best I can as well as to facilitate and remain observatory.

You're Count Olaf.

Now, why would you say something like that?

I have never met such a person as a Count Olaf, but...

If I had I'm sure he would look and sound completely different.

You're Olaf and we're not letting you in.

Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate your hypothesis.

Anyway, that's why you should never run with one of these, kids.

Words of wisdom indeed, Mr Stephano.

You caught me being a mentor.

And bless you for coming at such short notice.

Not at all, not at all.

My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick and phoned not one hour ago.

He'd give anything to be here right now.

Thank goodness you were available.

Well, I am... I am a fan, if I may gush.

Your work has profoundly influenced my research up at the Monterey Bay Aquarium on the sea snake.

It's a very volatile animal, that... Perhaps we should...

I've been bitten 43... 700 times.

Mostly on the face. A lot of this has been reconstructed.

But I think they did one heck of a job, even though my moustache is a tad askew.

You can't be buying this.

But I wonder if I could get the kids to help me in with my bags.

My left side is somewhat neurologically challenged.

But of course. Children... Uncle Monty...

Please.

Let us not be rude to our guest. Now, go on.

What's he up to? I don't know.

There is no good moment, of course, for a notorious villain to arrive, but the timing of Olaf's reappearance, just when Dr Montgomery's secret could be revealed to the children, was almost more than Klaus could bear.

Violet, listen to me.

Monty's spyglass. I saw the exact same one in Dad's desk.

Klaus, it's just a coincidence.

Violet, no. Everything happens for a reason.

The children will be helping us with the research in Peru.

Do you have any experience with children?

Children are strange and foreign to me.

I never really was one.

I know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.

He's never gonna let us alone with Monty.

We've got to get a message to him. Leave that to me.

I was feeding the moray, and of course I got cocky.

And that's all it takes. That's all it takes is one time.

Just once.

I had the kipper in my mouth and I offered it.

And there was a team from National Geographic that were there.

They were filming the whole thing and, well, a lot of people don't know this about the moray, but you think this can't be a tremendously strong animal.

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