Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events Page #4

Sure, it has a certain amount of strength, but how does it pull a man's face into a cave?

Anyway, long story short, the bends, the reconstructive surgery, but yes, from my understanding, Peru is a wonderful place.

The beaches. The people.

The relaxed guardianship laws.

Relaxed guardianship laws?

Did I say that?

Darn neurotoxins.

Stephano, you have a wonderful gift for storytelling.

Doesn't he, children? Oh, yeah.

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind milking Petunia for me.

Petunia.

Well, the milking...

Now, see, what I was... Could I just...

Yeah, sure. I'll take a shot at that.

Now, they used to call me Old MacDonald up at the milking lab there.

I'd milk these things all day long.

But the little udders, they're hard to locate.

Anyway, why don't you take that and go ahead and start the party without me.

I'm not sure I brought my milking gear.

I'll take a gander.

Is he still watching?

Yes.

Don't look at me. Pretend you're talking to Klaus.

Okay.

I got your message. Don't worry, I know.

You do? Yes.

A moray eel would never eat kippers. Far too salty.

Did you see the way he kept glancing into my satchel where I keep the exotic snake venoms?

You children were right. Stephano is an imposter.

Yes. Yeah.

A spy from the Herpetological Society, here to steal the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

No. Uncle Monty...

Darn. All finished.

I was so looking forward to the milking.

Isn't it about time you kids went to bed?

Absolutely.

Early start tomorrow, children.

Off you go.

Good night.

And if you kids should get restless during the night, I'm right down the hall and I'm a very light sleeper.

In fact, I hardly sleep at all.

Do you have a hall pass?

I didn't think so.

Petunia, I'm going to miss you.

You're such a good girl, aren't you?

Such a pretty girl.

You are. Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one.

Uncle Monty?

It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and thinking that there's one more stair than there is.

Your foot falls down through the air and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise.

Uncle Monty?

The children's grief was not only for their uncle, but for that tender hope that they may have found home again.

A hope which, thanks to a villainous actor, was now slowly tumbling away.

I do feel somewhat responsible for this tragedy.

I should've taken it upon myself to warn him that the Incredibly Deadly Viper is the most deadly snake in the entire ecosystem.

I should know. I discovered it.

You what? Detective?

Little girl, the big cage door is open, no snake. Dead guy.

You know what I'm thinking?

"Who woke me up at 9:00 in the morning for this?"

It's definitely a snake bite. There's no question about it.

Snake bite, no question. Thanks, doc.

No, you don't understand.

The Incredibly Deadly Viper couldn't have killed him.

It's one of the least dangerous and most friendly creatures in the animal kingdom.

Mind if I skip the paperwork on this?

I think that'd be best.

These kids have been through a major upheaval.

I wonder if it's a good idea even to change their plans at this point.

We were headed for Peru tomorrow and the tickets are non-refundable. No.

Doc, what do you think?

Could be the only chance for them to get closure.

Closure. Thank you, doc.

I'll handle this.

From interviews with witnesses there that day, I have learnt the following about the youngest Baudelaire's plan, brave Sunny started here and approached the Incredibly Deadly Viper with single-minded determination.

No, he's Count Olaf and that doctor is his accomplice.

He tried to kill us with a train.

Where would he get a train? Where am I gonna get a train?

That's enough of this foolishness.

Mr Stephano bears no resemblance to Count Olaf.

Who is this incredibly handsome Count Olaf they keep speaking of?

Count Olaf is their old guardian who made an error in judgement.

What about the tattoo?

Count Olaf had a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.

Anything for the kids.

Voilà! Spick-and-span.

He's an actor. He covered it with makeup.

Doctor, I wonder if you could help me escort these children to the vehicle.

No, Mr Poe. We'll send a postcard.

About one thing all the witnesses agreed.

The sound they heard next was so shocking, so surprising, it still haunts them to this day.

Damn it. This was such a good character.

Bum buttery bluebird is singing a tune Rest assured, children, the authorities are in hot pursuit of Mr Stephano, from his eyebrow-less forehead to his un-tattooed ankle.

The Italian fiend.

Though still in the clutches of a clueless banker, the Baudelaires celebrated their unmasking of Olaf as they skimmed their way across the icy surface of Lake Lachrymose.

But Klaus wasn't the sort to think on the surface of anything.

He knew there was something beneath their journey, even though all he had to go on was a spyglass, the knowledge of another terrible fire and two words on a slip of paper.

Aunt Josephine?

Never heard of her.

Does it strike you as odd that none of our relatives are related to us?

Aunt Josephine?

Baudelaires?

Is that you? Yes.

Good.

Come in. Come in.

Hurricane Herman is about to arrive at any time now.

Violet. Look at you.

Hello.

Come in, quickly. Quickly, children.

What? What's the matter?

Not that quickly.

You could trip over the welcome mat and decapitate yourselves.

So... Quickly.

But not too quickly. All right?

I'm sorry. It's so chilly in here.

Sometimes it gets so cold I can hardly stand it.

Would you like me to turn the radiator up for you?

No, I never turn on the radiator. I'm frightened that it might explode.

Children, I must ask you not to use any of the doorknobs in the house.

Just push on the wood of the door and it'll open.

Why?

I'm always afraid that the doorknobs will shatter into a million tiny pieces and one of them will hit my eye.

Someone's been to crazy town.

"Delmo" is not a word.

I can see that I'm going to have to teach her proper English.

Grammar is the greatest joy in life, don't you find?

Definitely. I love grammar.

She's the Mayorof crazy town.

Perfect. Nice hot soup.

Actually, it's chilled cucumber soup.

I never cook anything hot.

I'm afraid that the stove will burst into flames.

Where's your brother? The kitchen.

Klaus?

What are you doing?

Napkins.

Napkins are here.

Come away from the fridge. If it falls, it'll crush you flat.

All right.

Would you like to see some pictures?

Careful. Don't get a paper cut.

Is this lke?

Wasn't he handsome?

Look at all the things you did, Aunt Josephine.

You tamed lions?

I was quite adventurous when lke was alive.

Uncle Monty? You knew Uncle Monty?

No. That's not a good picture of me.

Wait, is...

Is that our parents? Was this some sort of club?

Why do you all have these spyglasses?

I don't like the way I look in that picture.

Did lke die in a fire?

Silly child, no.

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