Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events Page #5

He was eaten by leeches.

Okay.

Come, I'll show you.

Watch the chandelier, children.

If it falls, it'll impale you.

Ike and I explored every cove and inlet of Lake Lachrymose, from Horrid Harbour all the way over to Curdled Cave, way over there.

And near that rock is where the leeches attacked.

Lachrymose leeches have six rows of very sharp teeth and one very sharp nose.

They are blind, but they can smell food on a human from miles away.

And if they smell food, they will swarm.

I told him, "lke, you must wait one hour before going into the water."

But he only waited 45 minutes.

I apologise, children.

That area is private. That was lke's room.

God, I hate it here.

Well, Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought of maybe moving someplace else?

Maybe if you moved away from Lake Lachrymose you might feel better.

I could never, never, never, never sell this house.

I'm terrified of realtors.

There are two kinds of fears, rational and irrational.

Being afraid of realtors is an irrational fear.

Is this a bad time?

We gotta get her out of the house.

Watch out for those avocados.

The pit could become lodged in our throats.

And watch out for that cart. It could break free and run us over.

Everything's fine, Aunt Josephine.

Lord tunderin' jumped up Jehovah.

Is it the black plague?

No, that there was all my fault, eywah.

Can't tell ya how sorry I is for running into your sister there like that.

Aunt Josephine... Couple of right beauties ya are, mum.

Especially you.

Aunt Josephine...

Allow me to introduce meself. No, allow Klaus and I to introduce him.

Klaus and me.

It doesn't matter. This is... Doesn't matter?

Are you jiggin' me, girl?

Why, perhaps it's just the ramblin's of an expert fisherman, but grammar is the number one most important thing in this here world to me.

It is?

Is she desperate?

It's the whole ball of wax.

The entire kit 'n caboodle. Why, without your good grammar, the whole darn shootin' match could go arse over tea kettle.

Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.

I can flip it up and rub it down too.

Course, that would be entirely up to you, mum.

Captain Sham at your service.

He's lying. He's Count Olaf.

That... That horrible man you warned me about?

Where? Who? Right in front of you.

Where's he at? Behind Captain Sham?

I'll show him a ting or two.

I'll give him the ol' wax on, wax off, me son.

Captain Sham is Count Olaf.

I'm not going through this again.

Children of the corn!

Why did you do this to this poor man?

I'm so sorry. Sorry.

That's gonna smart in the mornin'.

I don't pay that no never mind, mum.

He's just a boy barely out of his OshKosh B'Gosh.

I've had to deal with that ever since me leg was chewed off by the Lachrymose leeches.

Why didn't I wait an hour before swimmin'?

Why? Why? Why?

The leeches took my husband too. Get out of town.

No, really.

By jeez, them blasted leeches doomed me to a life of hoppin', they did.

Sure I get the good parkin' spots, but who could love a man with one leg and a face like a hen's arse?

I'm as lonely as a gull on a rock, girl.

Oh, Captain Sham.

Would you come to my house for dinner this evening?

No. No.

I don't know about that, mum.

I'm afeared I might scuff up the floors with this old cribbage peg.

Well, I will lay down newspapers.

Please, the children are going to make a lovely dinner of Puttanesca.

The very meal I ate before they took me leg!

Oh, my goodness. Well, children, I'm going to take Captain Sham home.

And you stay here and shop for an entirely Puttanesca-free dinner.

But... "But" is not a sentence, Klaus.

Aunt Josephine. Hey!

You haven't paid for that.

Kids today.

Aunt Josephine?

Are you here? Aunt Jo?

Are you here? Aunt Josephine?

Aunt Jo.

Oh, no. No!

We're too late.

What does it say?

It's a suicide note.

"Violet, Klaus and Sunny, "by the time you read this my life will be at its end.

"My heart is as cold as lke and I find life inbearable."

"Inbearable"? Go on.

"I know you may not understand the sad life of a dowadger..."

"Dowager" has one "D". Doesn't matter. Keep going.

"...or what would have led to this desperate act."

"Act" is spelt with a "C".

Why are you checking her spelling?

Her greatest joy was grammar. Why is she making all these mistakes?

If you were about to jump out a window, you might make a few mistakes too.

"Please know that I am happier this way.

"As my last will, I leave you in the care of Captain Sham, "a kind and honourable man."

That was his plan.

He made her write this and then pushed her out the window.

No, it's not a suicide note. It's a message.

It's not supposed to be "lke," it's supposed to be "ice" with a "C".

"Unbearable" with a "U".

All the way over to Curdled Cave, way over there.

She's not dead. She's hiding.

Curdled Cave?

Sunny!

He was investigating fires.

Klaus, we gotta go.

Come away from the fridge. What?

If it falls, it could crush you flat.

No way.

Is it over?

Violet, you better tie your hair up.

Violet, ideas?

Bring me that fire extinguisher.

Why?

Because we need to move this anchor over there.

What? Just help me.

On three, we're gonna break that beam.

Break it? Yes.

That's the only thing keeping us up. Exactly.

Sure you tied your hair tight enough? On three.

One.

Two.

Three.

Wait.

Hold on, Sunny. Now!

What do we do now?

She's alive. We have to go to the authorities.

No.

What? They won't listen. They never listen.

It's Olaf. He'll never stop. We have to find her ourselves.

Hey, you kids. It's Captain Sham, your new guardian.

You just stay where you're at and we'll come where you're to.

Ever read any books on sailing?

Klaus had read exactly 15 books on sailing and two books on meteorology.

But it is one thing to do something in theory, another to do it in practise.

Little could have prepared them for the crossing to Curdled Cave at the hands of an angry and ill-humoured lake.

But as the storm passed and the waters calmed, the Baudelaires couldn't help but feel a small sense of accomplishment.

A rare moment of joy in their otherwise woeful lives.

They had made it.

And if their guardian could not rescue them, then they would rescue their guardian.

Aunt Josephine?

Are you in here?

Aunt Josephine!

Children, you did it!

You deciphered the clues in my note.

We're so glad you're okay.

It was so horrible.

Count Olaf forced me to write that will and then it nearly killed me to add in all those grammatical errors.

So did you bring groceries? Groceries?

We just came through a storm. Well, so?

How do you expect us to live in this cave if you didn't bring any food?

Live in the cave?

No, Aunt Josephine, you have to come back with us.

You willed us to Captain Sham. You're proof it's a lie.

No, no, no.

It's too dangerous. I'm sorry. Too dangerous?

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes