Let's Be Cops Page #3

Isn't that the guy who

took a sh*t on our doorstep?

He's a cop.

Everybody get down

Officers,

is there a problem?

Do you want to go

to jail tonight?

Um...

There you guys are!

What are you

talking about?

Somewhere fun.

All right!

Oh, yeah!

Damn!

Oh, no, no, no. We're real

cops. These are our guns and-

We paid $500

for your asses.

Now get up there

and shake those d*cks!

WOMAN 23 That's right!

I'm getting

f***ed tonight.

Take it off.

Come to mama.

0h. yeah!

Get your dollar

bills ready, girls.

WOMAN 23 Make it flash!

No touching!

Stop, guys!

Can I just dance?

Ew.

What?

Oh, gosh.

You get

what you pay for.

Ugh.

All right, let's do it

again. Roll up the windows.

Here we go! Here we go!

You look really different

without your uniform.

Is that a compliment

or an insult?

All right,

young lady.

I'm the cop here,

so I'll be asking

the remainder of

the questions, ma'am.

Oh, okay.

First off...

How on earth do you

not have a boyfriend?

Honestly, Justin, I have

the worst taste in men.

Thank you.

No, I mean...

I'm a psycho magnet.

I don't know.

Give me an example.

Okay-

Right now, there's this guy who keeps

coming in to my work and bothering me.

And normally, I would just

tell him to get lost...

but he's like

real deal scary.

Next time this guy

shows up at your work

you tell him

I want his number.

Seriously,

he seems like my type.

Whoa, is that real?

Yeah, it happens sometimes.

I like it.

I like you.

Listen, I gotta

tell you something.

What?

And it's gonna sound

crazy.

Officer Chang,

this is the LAPD...

I'm gonna need you to stop creeping

out that girl and get back to work.

All right!

I have to tell her.

She's too good

of a girl, man.

And now she's sitting over here

thinking I'm Denzel in Training Day.

More like Ethan Hawke.

What's that?

What are those?

Oh, this?

You sew those on?

I got promoted

to sergeant.

You promoted yourself?

Ifeelhke

I deserved it.

I don't want you getting

too weird with this.

I'm not getting

too weird, Chang!

Stop calling me Chang.

Look at your nametag.

I would love to

meet the 6-foot-1

Chinese guy that

can fit this outfit.

All units, all

units, we have a 2735 in progress...

Stop, I wanna hear this.

A 2735 in progress...

Domestic disturbance.

Sweet. Let's hit that sh*t.

No. What are you doing?

Yes.

No!

Yes, let's get in the

sh*t.

No!

Don't!

We're getting in the sh*t!

We're not getting in the sh*t!

We're getting in the sh*t! No!

I'm a sergeant!

Oh, I'm gonna

kill you, Justin.

I'm gonna kill you.

Reported

suspects are 3 females,

early 20's,

possibly intoxicated.

Oh, that's how

it's sweet.

Light them cherries up! Whoo!

What if the real

cops come?

Are you kidding? It'll

take at least an hour.

It's a domestic

disturbance call.

How do you

know that?

Would you shut up and

let me do my job here?

Wait, wait, wait.

What?

What's the plan?

The plan is we

control the situation.

That's what the YouTube

video said. YouTube?

Police! Open up!

I'm gonna wait in the car, bro. Chang!

Get your ass back here

right now. You're my partner-

Thank God you're here!

Oh, yeah,

thank God we are here.

Absolutely. What seems

to be the problem, ma'am?

It's my sorority sisters.

Please hurry and come in.

Sorority sisters.

Oh, I thought you said you were

gonna wait in the car, Chang.

I'm not.

I thought you said you

were gonna wait in the car.

Stand down.

You stand down!

I'm the sergeant, Chang.

I'm going first.

What the hell?

You need

to get out.

Well, I'm out.

Chang.Chang!

We gotta control

the situation.

Are you kidding me?

Hey, hey!

You need to stop!

I'm controlling

the situation!

You need to give me the phone!

You're gonna get your ass whooped!

Help!

I will control

the situation- Ow!

Chang, help!

All right!

Don't touch me!

Calm down, sir!

Excuse me?

That's a ma'am!

Oh.

Oh.

You guys seem like

two classy ladies.

Let's handle this like adults. Yes.

What is your name?

Precious.

She ain't that precious.

What is your real name?

Precious.

Yeah, but when you were

born, what did your-

Not your gang name

or your stripper name.

Precious.

Ma'am, for the last time,

what is your name?

It's Precious.

Precious, okay, that's cool.

That's a very pretty name.

So Precious, great name, why don't

you tell us what's going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on! She's

trying to get with my man behind my back!

I ain't trying sh*t!

Her man be texting me!

Hell no!

You're a lying-ass b*tch!

You call me a b*tch again,

b*tch, and see what happens!

Just don't call her

a b*tch again, okay?

Here's what we're gonna

do. Give me your phone.

What you doing?

Stop!

I'm gonna go home.

Stop it, we're cops.

Act like it.

I will be reading the part of

D'Andre, the man in question.

JaQuandae!

JaQuandae.

You read JaQuanda.

I'm not gonna do that.

"What are you doing?"

Why do you get

to read the boy?

Jusfin!

"What are you doing?"

"Eating soup.

"Trying to lose some

weight and stuff."

And I did.

"Girl, you ain't gotta lose

sh*t." JaQUANDAE: Thank you.

"'Cause you fine

as wine."

"Look, D'Andre, Don't be

texting me again, okay?"

You see?

"Unless you wanna get

them nuts up in my guts."

Oh, that's sex!

That's sex!

You can win this, J!

What are you crazy?

Oh!

I'm sorry!

Oh no, you didn't!

Oh, ho-ho! I felt it!

I felt the squish!

You hit my girl!

Why would you do that?

J, control

the situation!

No!

That's what you get!

Don't even say it.

That's what you get.

Does this hurt?

Ouch. Yeah.

Ooh.

Still hurts.

How many bad guys were there? Um...

Two, but the little girl,

she could really fight.

She?

What?

You said she.

No, I didn't. Why would

I say she? I fight guys.

VVhoa!VVhoa.

Okay, now that scares the

sh*t out of me, for real.

Thank you.

Wow.

It's cool that you're a

make-up artist. That's awesome.

Yeah, trying to be.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

I'm not a make-up artist.

I'm a waitress.

When do I face

reality and just...

You can't give up

on a dream.

Look at all this

work you've done.

That's the last

thing you wanna do.

Or else you're gonna regret

it for the rest of your life.

Yeah, I guess so.

It's pretty insightful

for a badass cop.

Okay, Josie, wait.

Um...

I gotta tell

you something.

This...

This is not me.

It's not.

Josie. Please.

Okay, Josie...

lneedto tell you something.

I'm not a cop, okay?

I am a cop.

Holy f***, I'm a cop!

I'm a motherfucking cop!

Wow.

Wow.

Wait, what?

No, whoa, what I meant

to say is...

I'm not a good cop.

For you, I'm not.

Yeah, put those away.

It's hard

to concentrate.

Oh, my God, I'm so hot.

Oh, my gosh.

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm

all me. I like ladies.

I'm a lady's man, baby.

You really need

to stop talking.

I'm so proud

of you, Chang.

We just kissed, dude.

But the next time I see her,

I'm telling her the truth.

But tonight we're going big.

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