Let's Go to Prison

(LET'S GO TO PRISON PLAYING)

# There's a place I know,

come along with me

# Just break some laws

and you get in free

# Three hots and a cot

# An orange jumpsuit

# Your name's a number

# Now, ain't that a hoot?

# Throw out that list

of things to do

# The State's got plans

for you

# Let's go to prison

# Stir

# Let's go to prison. Stir

# Now, it's corrections

officer, not called a guard

# Now, won't you kids

go play in the yard?

# Yeah, walk an earth circle

or lift some weights

# Might get lucky,

might get some date

# Ain't talking hoops

when I say man-on-man

# It's zone defense,

do what you can

# Let's go to prison

# Big house

# Let's go to prison

# Yeah

# Lock up

# Trading smokes

for toilet booze

# Snitch gives you up

to the screws

# Bought yourself

some time in the hole

# They'll throw you a Bible

to save your soul

# Oh, ho-ho, Lord

# Doing a nickel

# Doing a dime

# You know you're innocent

# You didn't do the crime

# This place takes patience

# You will find

# But as long as you're here

# Just have a good time

# In Angola, Attica, Sing Sing

# Let's go to prison!

Come on now!

# San Quentin, Tehachapi

# It's called prison

# Let's go, let's go!

# Prison, Alcatraz

# Come on, let's go! #

JOHN:

Our justice system sucks.

You know, there are over

two million Americans

behind bars.

That's a little larger

than the population

of Houston.

(ALL CHEERING)

Every year,

there are enough children

born in prison to fill

250 Little League teams

and enough people

are raped in prison

to fill a stadium

more than three times.

Can you picture that?

Three stadiums full of people

raping each other?

I know I can.

My name's John Lyshitski.

I just got out of prison.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't know.

Do you have

anything bigger?

Yeah.

That's more like it.

If I had a nickel

for every time

I've been incarcerated,

I'd have 15 cents.

It all started when

I was eight years old.

I stole the Publishers

Clearing House

prize patrol van.

Thought there'd be

a million bucks inside.

Where's the check?

Where's the check?

Wait!

They caught me when I tried

to cash the giant check.

That was the first time I met

Judge Nelson Biederman,

who changed my life

with the magic word.

Guilty.

You see, Johnny,

the reason we have

all these laws

and rules to live by

is so that

we can help guide

all the little boys

with big dreams

and a chance

for a bright future,

and so that

we could help protect them

from worthless scum

like you.

Seven years,

juvenile detention.

JOHN:
And with that,

Judge Biederman

began my trip

through the justice machine.

The machine works.

It took me,

a confused child,

and turned me

into a for-real,

no-sh*t felon.

Hey!

Hit the ground,

motherfuckers

or I'll fill you

full of more holes

than the A**hole Day parade.

There's an

A**hole Day parade?

Motherf***er.

Guilty.

Four years,

and if being a moron

were a crime, Mr. Lyshitski,

you would never see

the light of day again.

JOHN:
I got out again

when I was 24.

Then that same ass-wipe,

Judge Biederman,

sent me back

when I was 24 and a half.

Four to seven years.

The next time

you steal a car,

Mr. Lyshitski,

check to see if there

are lights on the roof.

(LAUGHING)

You liked that one?

JOHN:
I'm out again,

and I intend to spread

the pain around.

Starting with

His Honor himself.

Take him down piece by piece.

Kick off his dog,

strangle his cat,

sh*t in his pillowcase,

burn down his garage.

Then I'll get really creative.

Hello?

Hi. Is this the

municipal courthouse?

Great.

My name is Ken Kennedy.

I'm calling from

the Chicago Tribune.

Yes, we're doing

a story down here

on some of the city's

longest-serving public figures

and we would love to see

Judge Nelson Biederman III

at work.

So could you tell us

which times this week

that he will be on the bench?

Uh-huh.

And how long ago

did you say that he died?

Three days! F***!

(CLINKING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Who's got a

six-letter synonym

for "deprived of"?

Robbed.

Anybody want to buy me

a champagne drink?

How about a fancy beer?

15 bucks for a lap dance.

Yeah, I'm not that horny.

I just got out of prison.

JOHN:
Holy sh*t!

"Nelson Biederman the IVth."

I guess

when one door slams shut,

another one swings open.

Well, look out, Nelly.

You're about to meet

the other man

your father helped raise.

BARKER:

Crimes are everywhere.

They're in our parks,

they're in our streets,

and they're in our schools.

That's why I need you

to be part of...

Where the hell

are you guys?

Well, why the hell

do I have to be here

if you don't?

Yeah, I know

he was my father.

Thanks for the

f***ing newsflash.

Don't give me

that sh*t, Duane.

JOHN:
Hello, Nelly.

I give you now

the new chairman

of the Biederman Foundation

whose generosity

has made this all possible,

Nelson Biederman IV.

I want to thank you all

for attending this honorarium

for my dear,

departed Daddy.

Now, boys and girls,

are you ready to have

your minds blown?

Well, what you got, Nelson?

A lot of people didn't think

that this neighborhood needed

a $7-million,

original Yoko Ono.

Well, those people didn't

grow up on these streets.

And maybe I didn't either,

but I am forced

to drive through here

on my way to the airport

and I believe that

anything that I can do

to make your lives and

my drive more beautiful

is worth doing.

That's why I,

Nelson Biederman IV,

in honor of my late father,

officially declare

Judge Nelson Biederman III

Park open.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

DUANE:

Biederman Foundation.

Duane.

Oh, hello?

It's me, Nelson.

Who is this?

Nelson. Listen to me, Duane.

That is the last time

that I go to

one of those goddamn events

with Sergeant Barker.

Excuse me, who?

Sergeant Barker,

the dog that hates

crack and stuff.

Listen to me, Duane.

I'm gonna be in the office

in half an hour.

When I get there,

there better be a Fresca

waiting for me

and when I say Fresca,

I mean Fresca.

It better not be

a Fanta or a Sprite

or a Bubble Up or a 7Up.

I want it to be

a f***ing Fresca!

Do you understand me?

Yes, sir.

(MO VE THIS PLAYING

ON CAR STEREO)

(SINGING)

Oh my. Look at this.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GASPING)

(GRUNTS)

(GLASS SMASHING)

(IN KOREAN)

(IN KOREAN)

Okay.

No! No!

(SCREAMS)

PHARMACIST:
We have no money.

(SIRENS WAILING)

JOHN:
Look at this.

Old Nelson IV's got his pinky

caught in the same machine

his daddy threw me into.

The boys in

the legal department think

the best

course of action would

be for you to plead guilty,

plea bargain to keep this

as quiet as possible,

and step down as chairman

of the Foundation.

Well, then,

you tell the boys

in the legal department

that they are

a bunch of dipshits,

because I am innocent.

Well, apparently,

the police have a videotape

of you committing the crime.

You, or one of those other

cadaverous bag-of-bone a-holes

sitting at that table,

better strap on

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