Let's Go to Prison Page #2

a goddamn piss-bag,

get down here

and get me out of here

or you're all

gonna be replaced!

You got it, Duane?

I'll buy this place and

have it burned to the ground.

Well, should we

call the governor?

He owes us one.

That would get him out.

Does anybody here

want him out?

(CLEARING THROAT)

Okay. How about this?

I will represent Nelson

with the help

of our dipshit department.

Super!

Case number 9741,

State of Illinois v.

Nelson Perth Biederman IV.

The Honorable Judge

Eva Fwae-Wan presiding.

"Just tell her

what you think"?

Just tell her

what you think.

Okay. Sh*t.

Permission to approach,

Your Honor.

FWAE-WAN:
What is it,

Mr. Biederman?

Look, I'm gonna be frank.

Off the record,

you knew my father.

I've assembled the finest

legal team that money can buy.

Those guys.

You got better things to do,

I got better things to do.

We both know

all I'm gonna get

is a slap on the old wrist

and a formal apology

and a case of champagne

from the governor.

Why don't

we all just try to

move this thing along

as quickly as possible?

Well, Mr. Biederman,

off the record,

I am going to

hurry this along,

but it's because

people like you

make me sick

and I don't want

your Drakkar Noir

stinking up my courtroom.

Prosecution,

present your case!

JOHN:

The three scariest words

in the English language.

"Trial by jury."

Juries are made up

of 12 people who are so dumb

they couldn't

even think up an excuse

to get out of jury duty.

I'm just proud to be

a part of the American

judicimal system.

I mean, uh, judaical.

I was so happy to be

picked for jury duty.

It's like

watching Court TV,

except I'm in the TV,

just like the boy

from Willy Wonka.

Before my daddy died,

he taught me one thing.

See the thumb goes away,

comes back.

Judaical system?

No. Jewidecimal system.

That ain't right.

(GRUNTING)

Mr. Hinkley?

Oh, yeah?

You may proceed

with your defense.

Watch this.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the jury,

you've all seen Jurassic Park

and yet you're aware

that Jeff Goldblum has

never actually been

attacked by dinosaurs.

Even though

you've seen it

with your own eyes

on a TV

not unlike that one.

I rest my case.

(LAUGHING)

Ladies and gentlemen

of the jury,

have you reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

We, the jury,

find the defendant,

Nelson Biederman,

quilty.

FWAE-WAN:

Do you mean guilty?

Oh, yeah.

Well, it kind of

looked like it was a "Q."

Nelson Biederman,

you've been found

guilty of felony assault.

I sentence you to

three to five years

in the Rossmore State

Correctional Facility.

(GAVEL BANGING)

This court is adjourned.

(WHOOPS)

F***. F***.

F***, f***, f***.

NELSON:
F***!

JOHN:
Nelson Biederman IV

is gonna get

beaten, tortured, raped,

psychologically abused

and raped some more

by the so-called

justice system.

So why am I not happy?

I feels like

it's prom night

and everyone else

is porking my date.

I'm gonna have a heart attack

if you don't give me

my medication...

You see this all the time.

Ma'am, please, we need

to talk to Derek right now.

Oh, f*** you.

I don't even know

where he could be...

Can we talk to him?

You pissed me off because...

I mean I went to my own...

Do you own this house?

I mean...

And you know what?

I need my medication.

Silverman took my

medication away from me!

I could have a heart attack.

Hey, John,

you okay?

You seem sort of...

Clinically depressed.

Yeah.

I don't know, guys.

Don't you ever wonder

if there's more to life

than smoking grass

and watching guys

get arrested on TV?

I got some coke.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey.

You John?

We're here

to buy some pot.

Yeah,

my friend said

you'd hook us up.

My friend Ben Franklin?

JOHN:

Any felon worth his salt

can smell undercover cops

from 20 paces,

and there's no way in hell

he'd do something crazy

like sell pot to them.

Unless he actually

wanted to go to jail.

You guys should

probably take off.

What for?

Those two clowns

I just sold grass to

are cops.

You didn't buy that whole

Cheech and Chong routine,

did you?

(BANGING ON DOOR)

I can't believe they fell

for the Cheech and Chong bit.

OFFICER:
Police! Open up!

Come on, John!

(BANGING ON DOOR)

OFFICER:
Open the door

or we're coming in.

JOHN:
I guess

sometimes when fate

knocks on your door,

it has a search warrant.

I'll go to jail.

I'll get bunked up

with Nelson Biederman IV

and I'll make sure

he gets the full treatment.

Yup. My whole life's

been leading up to this.

Guilty as hell.

Guilty?

Now if we could

discuss sentencing?

Save it, Lyshitski.

How does seven-to-ten

work for you?

Not as good

as one-to-three.

Five-to-seven?

I'll settle for three-to-five,

but wait. There's more.

What's that?

I want to do my time

in Rossmore.

You actually want to go to

Rossmore Penitentiary? Why?

Three words, sister.

Location, location, location.

Hey. John Lyshitski.

What's your name?

Nelson Biederman IV.

Where you heading?

Prison.

(SCOFFS)

Me, too.

Tell you what,

we should be cellmates.

I don't snore

and I'm a pretty

quiet masturbator.

Hell, I'll even

give you the top bunk.

Thanks.

Thanks for

talking to me.

Last couple days

in the holding cell,

some of these

gang members

were really giving me

the cold shoulder.

It's inexcusable.

That's what I thought.

I mean,

why be that way?

WARDEN:

Welcome to your new home.

Let me start off by saying

that if any one of you

is innocent,

just raise your hand.

You'll be free to go.

MAN 1:
Come on, baby!

You gonna be mine!

Yeah, we're tossing salad!

That's what I'm talking about!

Put your little finger up,

baby! Yeah!

You gonna be my b*tch

up in here!

(GRUNTS)

That was my little joke.

I have a notoriously

dry sense of humor.

All right.

Here's how it's gonna work.

If you make

my life difficult,

I will make your life

exponentially more painful.

MAN 2:
Yeah!

If you have a complaint,

all you have to do,

write it down

on a piece of paper,

put it in an envelope

and stick it up

your a**hole.

MAN 3:

Give me some brown sugar!

Tell them how we do it, boy!

(CHUCKLING)

If you feel that you've

been treated unfairly,

write it neatly on some paper,

fold it up real good,

pull your cheeks apart

and stick it up your a**hole.

If you have comments

or suggestions about

how I run my prison

or, let's say,

maybe the cuisine

is not to your liking,

please write a letter

to my office.

Just make sure that

under "return address,"

you write the word "a**hole,"

so that my head guard,

Mr. Shanahan, can assist you

in pulling

your cheeks apart

and sticking it up

your a**hole.

MAN 4:
He's got some

pretty eyes. Pretty lips.

WARDEN:

Come on, that was funny.

GUARD:
All right! Move it out!

Cell 433. I want you

to sign right there.

Move off, Biederman.

Lyshitski, John Q.

Hello, Johnny.

How you doing?

(CHUCKLING)

Rooney. No glasses.

You got the surgery.

Yes, I did.

One Metallica t-shirt,

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