Let's Go to Prison Page #4

All right, Johnny,

how much for real?

Well, he's a really

good friend of mine.

I couldn't possibly

let you have him for

anything less than, say,

half ounce of grass,

four cartons of smokes?

Sh*t. Honky, please.

You out your mind?

Hey, you want to

break off a piece

of that white chocolate,

it's going to cost you.

Well, sh*t.

Your name must be Monty Hall,

motherf***er,

'cause

we just made a deal.

(JOHN WHISTLING)

MAN:
You gonna

say it to my fist!

Come on, man!

What's with the robe,

John?

Well, if you wanna

keep getting the catalog,

you got to order something

every now and again.

Figured I'd get

more use out of this

than a Miracle Bra.

(BANGING ON CELL)

Lyshitski,

garbage detail!

(WHISTLES)

Wait, you're not gonna

leave me in here

by myself, are you?

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Just remember your tough face.

Oh, spooky.

Looks like he has to

take a sh*t. Come on!

JOHN:
Hold the fort, amigo.

Hey, thanks, Shanahan.

Don't thank me, a**hole,

just pay me.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

I'd like to apologize

for the crassness

of my associates.

I doubt very much

if they've even cracked

the binding on Emily Post.

Would you like some merlot?

I make it in the toilet.

Are you Pisces?

Yeah, I knew it.

How do you do it, Barry?

How do you do it?

So what shall we drink to?

Oh, I know.

Serendipity.

What a delightful

force of nature,

serendipity.

Yummy.

Look here, Nelson,

can I ask you a question?

Does my ass

look big to you?

No?

Liar!

I ought to cut

your stinking-ass,

lying throat for lying!

I'm a cow! A big-hipped,

fat, nasty, gelatin-assed,

buttermilk-making cow!

You wear it very well.

Oh.

Well.

Thank you, sweet thing.

But look here, now,

don't you ever lie to

Barry again, you hear me?

'Cause if you do,

I'm gonna have

to remove your genitals

and put them in a shoebox.

You understand?

Yeah. So now

I'm going to tell you

a little secret, Nelson.

(FEELS SO GOOD PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Boy, I go apeshit

for Chuck Mangione.

But enough small talk.

(SIGHS)

You're new here,

so let me tell you

how this sh*t go.

You see, I own you,

little Pisces.

You are my property,

to do with as I please,

but we don't have

to do everything tonight.

Hell, we got three to five.

So for now

what say you

just give Barry

a little Eskimo kiss?

Eskimo kiss ain't never

hurt nobody, right?

Sorry.

I can't.

Oh, baby.

Don't make me go get

no shoebox, now.

Come on. Eskimo.

MAN 1:
Eskimo! Eskimo!

MAN 2:
Eskimo! Eskimo!

(WHISTLING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, come on now.

You didn't think

old Barry was going to

just take advantage

on the first date, did you?

If you did,

then I guess you just

don't know Barry.

No, no.

Prepare to be wooed

by the master.

Hell, yeah.

NELSON:

"Dear new pen pal,

"my name is

Nelson Biederman IV.

"I'm 30 years old,

"and I've been in prison

for three months.

"In this hell-hole,

"I've had my ass kicked

so many times

"my sh*t has

footprints in it. "

"But you know what?

I think I'm going

to make it.

"At least

I can rest assured

"it can't possibly

get any worse.

"Anyway, thanks for listening.

"I'll have to sign off now,

as someone is pissing on me.

BILLY:

"Your new friend, Nelson."

That's a message from Lynard.

He gets out of the hole today.

He can't wait to see you.

Sleep tight.

I'm dead.

Not necessarily.

He might just kick your ass.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, every day.

For months or years,

till you're dead.

Man, I'm hungry.

You wanna go grab

some lunch, bud?

Dead man walking.

He's not gonna kill me here,

is he?

Oh, no.

All the smart money's

bet on the rec yard.

Wait, people are betting

on when I'm gonna be killed?

Of course.

Prison's a boring place.

They'll bet on anything.

Shanahan's the bank.

Hell, I lost

four cartons of smokes

on how much one of

Jesus' turds weighed.

Look, this is ridiculous.

I'm gonna

go talk to Lynard,

reason with him

as one adult to another,

apologize to him, and put

this entire thing behind us.

I can't see how

you can go wrong.

Thanks.

MAN 1:

That's the one over here,

fool. What I'm talking about.

MAN 2:
Hey, come on,

hurry it up.

NELSON:
Mr. Lynard.

Mr. Lynard,

I know that

we did not start

under the best

of circumstances,

so I just want

to say how sorry I am

for the misunderstanding...

(GRUNTS)

Okay.

Okay.

I deserved that.

I deserved that. I...

Well, we're even.

I have done you wrong,

and twice, you have

stabbed me with forks.

So let's just try to

put this whole thing

behind us

and carry on about

this business of living.

Sit.

Sit.

Well, I should really

get back to my friends.

Sit.

It took a lot of guts

to do what you did.

Nobody's ever stood up

to me before,

except my old man.

I'm sure he's a great man.

I killed him.

I'm gonna kill you

the same way.

You didn't kill him

with kindness? Did you?

With a hammer.

Like the Beatles song.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't scream.

Now, give me

my eating utensil back.

MAN 3:
Your mama!

That's what I'm looking at.

Hey, bud, how'd it go?

Super.

All right. So he's not

going to kill you?

No, he is,

just not right now.

Not here, fellas.

Thank you.

Thanks for playing.

(WHISTLING)

Hey, don't sweat it,

compadre.

The way I see it is

you still got three options.

You could kill yourself,

you could fight him,

or you could just

let him kill you,

which honestly might be

your best solution.

Or you could always

move out to the boondocks.

Get a little place

of your own, private cell.

Private cell?

How do I do that?

Well, just stand right here.

Okay?

JOHN:
Hey!

MAN 1:
Watch it!

MAN 2:
That ain't mine.

It's cool.

Hi.

JOHN:
When you're

already in jail

and you break the rules

you think,

"What the hell

are they gonna do,

throw me in jail?"

The answer's yes.

It's called isolation.

The hole.

In the hole,

it's impossible to

tell the difference

between five minutes

and forever.

Your mind

plays tricks on you,

you get depressed,

you get disoriented,

but most folks

just suffer from extreme panic

and vivid,

horrifying hallucinations.

(CRYING)

BARKER:
Nelson. Nelson.

Who's there?

It's me, Nelson,

Sergeant Barker.

The dog that fights crack.

(CRYING) Please!

Please open the door!

Had enough of yourself

already?

I don't blame you.

Let's go.

How long was I in there?

Two days.

Hey. Look who's back.

How are you, killer?

Nice stubble.

Very Miami Vice.

MAN:
Get out of here.

Looks good.

JESUS:
Looks beautiful.

Looks beautiful.

How you holding up,

Nelson?

I'm not going to make it.

JOHN:
What do you mean?

You're not thinking about

doing yourself in, are you?

My friend,

I'm all out of smack today,

but you may be in luck.

Because I've got some

very nice alternatives.

Paprika.

That's right. Paprika.

A mere two, three pounds

of this stuff, boom!

To the moon.

Only side effects may be

some mild-to-uncontrollable

shitting.

I need something

that will kill me.

Oh, it's like that.

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