Let's Go to Prison Page #5

I don't condone that,

my friend,

but pretty much

any of this sh*t'll kill you.

Oh yeah, I got old

standard drain cleaner.

Brass cleaner.

(LAUGHING) Oh!

Eureka. Oh, yeah.

This is something

called boat cleaner.

I think it's used

to clean boats with.

Give me the boat cleaner

and a needle.

NELSON:
"Dear Pen Pal.

"Well, I'm beaten.

It's all over for me.

"I have to do

whatever I have to do

"to get away from the evil,

soulless douchebags

"who populate this

filth-infested sh*t hole. "

"I dream about

lining up the ass-wipes

"who run this place

"and cutting off their d*cks.

"Pardon my f***ing French.

I guess they win.

"They've made me

into one of them.

"From one vicious

motherf***er to another.

"Good luck with the rest

of the second grade

and stay free.

"Your pal in the pen,

Nelson."

I'm sorry I missed

your letter, Billy.

Okay. Jane, you're next.

(DOOR BUZZING)

Hey, Nelson,

I'm gonna take a quick walk.

See you later.

(CLEARING THROAT)

You know,

it's times like this

when I think

about something

my dad once said to me.

He said, "Oh, God,

please don't kill me

"with the hammer,

Lynard, please."

(LYNARD EXCLAIMING)

Hey!

I don't need any help here.

Back off or you're next.

You're not part coon,

are you?

I'd have a lot more fun

doing this if you were

part coon.

MAN:
Hey, let's hold it

down in here.

Sorry, no coon.

Mostly Dutch.

Well, I'm gonna kick you

in the face anyway, I guess.

(GROANING AND GRUNTING)

Ring around the rosy.

LYNARD:
Well, hee-haw.

What have we here?

That's mine.

You're holding out

on your old pal Lynard.

No, Lynard, it's not that,

it's... It's my last fix.

Oh, yeah.

Please. Kill me

if you want, Lynard,

but please don't make me

face it sober.

Screw yourself, d*ckhead.

You don't need this

where you're going.

I'm begging you.

Don't do it.

Don't throw me

into the briar patch.

Do what?

If you weren't such

a white-supremacist a**hole,

you would have read up

on your Uncle Remus.

I did what I had to do.

You heard the man.

Back up, boys.

Well, that was pretty

goddamn weird.

You know,

you're gonna get

another 20 years for that.

For what?

I didn't do anything.

He shot himself up.

I got the needle right here.

F***.

So the plot f***ing thickens.

What did you say?

Hmm?

Nothing.

Did I say that out loud?

Oh sh*t, John.

They're all staring at me.

What do I do?

Just play it cool, amigo.

Hey, I got

something for you.

No, man, I don't want

any Biederman action.

What do you want?

I just wanted to say

I owe you one.

Lynard was

the kind of d*ckhead

who gives Nazis a bad name.

So anyway, from now on,

White Kingdom's got your back.

Yeah. Brother.

White Kingdom.

White Kingdom.

MAN:
White Kingdom. Yeah.

What the hell is going on?

I think

you're tippy-top dog now.

That's ridiculous.

No one's scared of me.

Well, let's see.

Yo, cueball.

Your fat ass is stinking up

Biederman's seat.

Pop up.

Look, I don't want

no trouble.

Well,

that's good to hear, you...

P*ssy.

P*ssy.

So are you gonna move

or do my friends have

to move you for me?

Good, because I don't

take no crap from no

Lucian Freud-Iooking

pussies like you.

MAN:
Hey. Get your fingers

out of my plate! You crazy?

Wow. I really, really

can't believe that worked.

(CELL DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR BANGING SHUT)

Of all the bathroom stalls

in all the correctional

facilities in all the world,

he walks into mine.

Haven't you heard the news,

Barry?

The news? Oh, yeah.

Barry finally pitches,

Pisces catches,

home team wins.

(SNICKERING)

Don't even think about it,

Barry.

That hurt, Nelson.

Not physically,

but I thought

we'd gotten past

this point

in our relationship.

What are you talking about?

Well,

over the last few months

I've started to

like you a lot.

Grown accustomed

to your face, if you will.

Thought you felt

the same way,

but I see now.

I've been living

in a fool's paradise.

Look, I should

really get back to...

Uh-huh? Uh-huh?

Is this how you treat

someone you love?

Choking them

in a men's room?

No.

I don't know.

Maybe.

Oh, sh*t!

Maybe I was thinking

you'd forget all about me

if you wasn't scared

I was gonna cut your nuts off.

Maybe behind the facade,

there's just

a scared little boy

who didn't never

get enough love.

Look, Barry...

I never thought...

Oh, just leave me alone.

Go to him.

Go to him.

Barry.

Barry.

Pisces.

Get him!

Kick his ass.

Let's go!

Stop!

Did he touch you, boss?

We'll gut him, right here.

(FARTS)

Yes, he touched me.

Sorry. That was me.

Keep going.

But not like that.

I'm giving him

a pass this time.

What are you ladies up to?

You, Lyshitski,

in the hole!

Are you kidding me?

I didn't even do anything.

They're over there.

I'm over here.

Don't you have eyes?

In the hole!

JOHN:
The system

is one shifty prick.

You dodge right,

it shifts left.

You think you're on top of it,

suddenly you're underneath it.

The ass end

of the punch-line.

During my retreat,

Nelson had become

king of the crapper,

and nobody seemed to flinch.

Just the opposite.

They're eating up his

fancy-ass rich-boy act

like he was Ben & Jerry's

Heroin Chunk.

So at exactly

the appointed minute

when old LaRoche's

back is turned,

all the boys shoved

their books onto the floor.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Old LaRoche almost

had a heart attack.

He didn't know

what hit him.

Can't wait to see

your grand premiere, baby.

From the tippety,

cocksuckers!

Five, six, seven, eight...

(SINGING)

Go, John. Go, John.

(JOHN WHISTLING)

Phillips head.

Hey, John.

Hey.

Didn't see you there.

It's good to see you.

Yeah.

You know,

I've been meaning to

talk to you about something.

What's that?

Remember when

I first got in here?

I had the balls of a souffl,

I'll be honest with you.

But you changed that, John,

you really did.

Did I?

Yeah.

I owe everything that

I am today to you, John.

I really do.

I mean, you gave me

my self-esteem back.

I've got the love of a man.

Wow, good!

All the things

that you could want.

I found myself and

I just feel like

I really wanna

give you something,

John, I do.

Perfect! Yeah.

Can I get you

some cigarettes?

No. I'm good.

What about porn?

Cigarettes and porn?

No. I'm good.

John, you're the greatest.

I wanna say, from

the bottom of my heart...

Yeah?

Thank you.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Hey, have some tea.

Hey, thanks.

Made it for you.

Okay.

All right, have fun.

Come on!

JOHN:
How did this happen?

A few months ago,

I had his balls in a vise.

Now with his parole hearing

just around the bend,

it looks like he might

be taking his balls

and going home.

Hold still.

You got to look

good for court.

There you go.

You wanna go out tonight?

Me and some of the guys

were thinking about

going down

to the laundry room,

drinking some

toilet wine,

and beating up

some of the new guys.

Or we could just stay in

and drink toilet wine here.

We never go out anymore.

Well, I've got to

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