Let's Kill Grandpa This Christmas

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1

Merry Christmas, sir.

- What can I do for you.

- The question is what we can do for you.

- We're here to introduce you

to the power of Jesus Christ.

It's only going to take a

few moments of your time.

But the benefits

shall last you all of eternity.

- Well, I appreciate that,

but I already know Jesus.

Oh, that's great!

- And Jesus and I have an understanding.

I don't f*** with Jesus and

Jesus doesn't f*** with me.

- Hi, Sherry.

Oh good morning, you must

be the new secretary.

- Administrative assistant.

- Oh.

- I identify as androgynous

and gender fluid.

When you refer to me, I

prefer you use the pronoun ze.

- Grab me another latte, huh, sweetheart?

Hey Carl.

- Where's Teddy?

- In Bermuda, yachting

with one of my clients.

- Why are you in his office?

- Oh sh*t, they didn't tell you?

- Tell me what?

- Have a seat, Carl.

When I was a boy, my father said to me,

if you win something

with bad sportsmanship,

you didn't win anything at all.

That poor bastard died a broke cuckle.

Now Carl,

you've been a valuable

asset to the company

and we really appreciate

all the things you've done

for us throughout the years.

But the company's moving

in a different direction.

- What does that mean?

- On behalf of Blumenthal,

Sanchez, and Ryan,

we're gonna have to let you go.

- You stole my clients, you

stole everyone's clients.

This breaks my heart, Carl.

You're such a nice guy.

You keep your mouth shut

about my clients, okay?

- Hello?

Hey Carl, it's Ted Levine.

Just calling you about

the interview yesterday.

- Oh yeah, hey.

Unfortunately, we've

decided we're going to move

in a different direction.

- No look, I've been out

of work for two months.

I could do anything, anything at all.

I could be someone's secretary.

I mean, administrative assistant.

Sorry Carl, I wish you the best.

- Please--

- You're such a nice guy.

- Who the hell is calling

at this hour, Carl?

- It was just a telemarketer, honey.

- Merry Christmas, Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl!

Carl, wake up!

Hello, wake up, Carl, earth to Carl!

You need to get up right

now and go to the office

because the Christmas bonus

is not delivering itself.

The final

tiara goes to Bridget.

- Hee-hee.

- Goddammit.

- I like Bridget.

- If you could only see

the dress she's wearing,

you could see she's got no class.

- She has a kind soul.

- Only you, big bro, only you.

Oh, thanks babe.

Just gotta run a quick errand.

- Here you go.

- Thanks Jen.

Pancakes.

- Oh sh*t, I forgot my phone.

- Hey Carl, it's Brett, I'm

in your neck of the woods,

wanted to run something by you

before we went to Grandpa's house.

See you in a bit.

- Hey, Ray, hey.

- Hey.

- Hey, Jerry.

- Right.

- Jerry Ryan I work with--

- With Carl, yeah, yeah.

- Happy Hanukkah.

- Yeah, no, happy holidays.

- Right, I was actually just stopping by

to see the bastard now.

Is he up there?

- Oh sh*t, he didn't tell you?

They let him go a couple of months ago.

Yeah, they got some prick

from Harvard or Yale

doing his job at half the salary.

- Really?

- Yeah, I heard that poor

bastard ain't even found

a job, yet, man.

It's a tough market.

It's f***ing dog-eat-dog.

Anyway, woof.

All right, happy holidays,

pal, happy holidays.

- Right.

- Hey honey.

- I can't find my wedding ring.

- Oh no, geez.

Well, I noticed you haven't

been wearing it lately.

Have you seen it?

- No, I, uh, no.

I mean, did you check in the jewelry box?

- Of course I checked the jewelry box.

You don't think I checked the jewelry box,

the one place the ring belongs?

In the jewelry box.

- Yeah, yeah, sorry.

Well, I'm sure it'll turn up.

Are you packed and ready

to go to Grandpa's?

- Well, did you get the bonus?

- Honey, you're gonna be mad.

What?

- I, well, they said, Jerry

said there was supposed to be

a guy in the office from payroll today,

but he didn't show up.

- Okay, I wanna talk to your boss.

Because if you're not gonna

be man enough to handle this,

then I will handle it.

I wanna talk to Teddy.

- He's not here, Leigh,

it's Christmas Eve.

No one's here.

- We are late on the mortgage, Carl.

You told me that they promised you

the Christmas bonus today.

Seriously?

- Leigh! Leigh!

- You the guy from Craigslist?

- Why are you wearing a mask?

- Why are you wearing a mask?

- Just trying to be discreet

on the off chance that we know each other.

- All right, small world.

You got the ring?

Ah, yeah, look at that.

My mamacita's gonna melt my butter

when she sees this sparkling baby.

- You never said why

you're wearing a mask.

- Yeah, because I'm

here to f***ing rob you.

- No, no, no, no!

- Give me the money.

- Give me the money!

- It's Christmas!

- No, no, no!

- Merry Christmas.

- Oh my God, oh my God.

F***. F***.

On the fifth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Five gold rings

Four calling birds, three French hens

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

On the 11th day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

- Okay, enough.

- Enough, thank you.

What's that smell?

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Doesn't look

like Grandpa's home.

Are you sure he's here?

No, no, no, he said

he had a doctor's appointment.

She's gonna leave the door open.

- Look at these architectural details.

This woodwork is phenomenal.

- Well, there's water

damage in both bathrooms.

It looks like he hasn't

cleaned this place in 20 years.

- It's a fixer-upper, I'll grant you that.

But you can't ignore

the comfy, cozy quality

of this bucolic beauty.

I mean, just think of the

dinner parties we'll have here.

All our friends coming up here to visit us

in this regal, A-frame chateau.

Now would you please give me

a little something-something

under this yuletide mistletoe, hm?

- Hello!

- Hey, Merry Christmas, Leigh.

- Hello, Leigh.

- Merry Christmas, Jen.

Aren't you festive in your

little holiday sweater,

you Christmasy thing, you.

- Not nearly as festive as you, Leigh.

- Well, just trying to bring holiday cheer

to the royals in their future castle.

- It's more of a dungeon.

- Hey, Merry Christmas, Carl.

- Merry Christmas.

- I'm glad you brought your horn.

- Yeah, I figured I'd

set the mood for romance

in front of the ladies later on.

- Nice, you gonna break

us out with some Kenny G?

I'm breaking your balls.

You look good, pal.

Hey, any word from Grandpa?

How's he doing?

- So the doctors just wanted

to run some last-minute tests

on his arrhythmia, but turns

out he's healthy as a lark,

God bless his soul.

- It's healthy as a horse.

- Whatever.

- Happy as a lark.

- What's a lark?

- It's a festive little woodland bird.

They grace the forest with

their graceful morning songs.

That's where the saying comes from.

I guess they're pretty

happy-go-lucky little creatures.

- You are just a plethora

of useless information,

aren't you, Carl?

Now would you tote the bags, please?

- Nothing wrong with having

an appreciation for nature

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