Let's Kill Grandpa This Christmas Page #2

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that I'm aware of.

- What?

So, anyway, uh,

I was thinking we should just

have the business conversation

up front, so it's not looming

over us all weekend long.

I know it's a little awkward

that Grandpa's giving us

the 2.2 million and you guys are getting

this really cute house.

But I was thinking, you know,

maybe we should just respect

his judgment and move on.

- We've moved on, Leigh.

- Oh great, we need to

get a Christmas tree up

in this house.

So, what's it like taking care of Ray?

- Ugh, he eats and shits like a gorilla.

It's like taking care of a zoo animal.

There, I said it, terrible.

- You're a saint, Jen.

- Mm-mm.

- It drives me to drink.

And don't even get me started on Brett.

- Why, what's wrong?

- He goes off at night to write.

God knows where he really goes.

- You don't think Brett's...

No way, what, with who?

- I don't wanna to think

about that, okay, Leigh?

- Okay.

If it makes you feel any better,

I thought Carl was cheating

on me a few years back.

- Carl would never cheat, you

have him on a choke chain.

- I'm telling you, I kept catching him

in all these little white lies.

So one day, I trailed the

bastard on the way to work.

I watch as he walks into

this garden-level apartment.

Lights turn on.

He sits down, and some guy walks over

and starts running his

fingers through Carl's hair.

And then I look over and I see the sign.

Dr. Lipschitz, Cosmetic Surgeon.

Yeah, I caught the bastard, all right.

He was having hair implantation surgery.

- Carl has plugs?

- Yeah, don't you ever tell anyone.

- But he's got such great hair.

- Well, now you know why.

- This place is really nice.

You got lovely old school charm.

- Don't bullshit me, Carl,

this place is a f***ing dump.

Hey, did you get a haircut or something?

Looks different.

- Oh, I started combing it different.

Does it look okay, or?

- Yeah, it's good, it's

a good look for you.

Let's get that fireplace cracking, Carl.

- How did you get away with it?

I mean, how did you tell

Jen you got laid off?

- Laid off, Carl, I volunteered.

I told my boss if it came down to mine

or someone else in my department's head

going on that chopping

block, let it be mine.

I obviously never told Jen that,

but that's how it all went down.

That's on the DL, by the way.

- Oh yeah, I'd never say anything.

- Carl, I'm gonna say

something right now that's,

it's a funny thing to say out loud.

And I'm only admitting

to it because I know

that you'd never say

anything to the wifeys.

- Of course not.

- I've been having all

these crazy dreams lately

about what it might be

like to euthanize Grandpa.

What?

- Don't bullshit me, Carl.

I know you've been having them, too.

You got that 2.2 mill

coming down the pipe.

Let's think, that longevity

on that side of the family.

Come on, new hip here,

heart surgery there.

Putting him in a f***ing home?

Carl, that leaves your inheritance

like it's a blue plate special.

And you're telling me you

haven't had any dreams?

- What?

- Come on, Carl, we're fantasizing.

In my fantasy,

I usually get him with a little rat poison

in his prune juice.

It's the least detectable.

I mean, not that they'd

ever do an autopsy.

They rarely do on the elderly.

They just assume they go

out on their own accord.

So what about you?

How have you been getting?

- I, uh, I can't believe

I'm telling you this.

I pushed him down the stairs.

- Nice.

No fingerprints, smart.

What else?

- I suffocate him with his pillow.

- You animal.

- Oh, and I bludgeon him with an anvil.

Is that cliche?

Carl, you're a scary guy,

you're scaring me.

- You're a crazy guy.

- It's fun talking about

stuff like this, isn't it?

It's fun to fantasize.

- It's sick is what it is.

We're a couple of sick puppies.

- It just seems like you're always getting

the sh*t end of the stick, Carl.

And it breaks my heart.

I mean, you're my brother-in-law

and I care about you,

I really do.

- I care about you, too.

So what are you saying?

- I'm saying I drove

over here a few weeks ago

to take care of things.

- Take care of what?

- What have we been talking about, Carl?

I came here to stake our

claim, to put him to sleep.

- Geez, Brett.

- Don't bullshit me, Carl.

I know you've been thinking it, too.

We just established this.

- Thinking it, maybe, but

what you're saying is,

I mean, there's a big

difference between thinking--

- And doing, exactly.

The difference is ultimately

what defines a man's character.

So as I'm driving onto

his street that night,

I start thinking about you.

How maybe this was the type

of thing that you needed

to be doing.

And instantly, the following

thoughts start permeating

into my mind.

And I'm only saying this because

you're my brother-in-law.

I start hearing, "He's a

loser, he'll only f*** it up.

"He's anxious guy, those people

push him around all day."

And then I thought, no, no,

no, no, that's not true.

I thought my faithlessness

in you is based completely

on all the bullshit lies

you've been telling yourself

all these years.

That you believe these

lies so much about yourself

that you've got me believing in them, too.

And that's when I

realized, he can do this.

In fact, he needs to do this.

And who am I to deprive

him of that opportunity?

So I pulled into his neighbor's driveway,

turned around, and headed home.

Because for me, this is nothing.

I'm there already.

I'm living the dream, Carl,

and I don't give a f***.

But for you,

for you,

this could be life-changing.

This could be the first step

down the road less traveled.

- I'm not murdering my wife's grandfather

if that's what you're talking about.

- Don't use that word, Carl.

We're putting him to sleep.

Be the hero, Carl.

Be the one who makes all of

our holiday wishes come true.

Freshen up his tea with

a little bit of this.

We'll celebrate in the morning.

I'll cook you some flapjacks.

It's

Beckham, sprinting away!

- Go, go, go, go, go, yes!

- Haha, woo!

That is what I am talking about!

Cheers to the Giants bringing us home

the shiny Lombardi trophy.

- Mm-mm, do you think they'll bring that

over to your house later

or do you think they'll

swing on over to my place

for Brett to enjoy?

- Looks like you're

having a little too much

holiday cheer, Jen.

You're getting weird.

- Yeah, let's start

phasing out the egg nog

and start introducing the water.

- I think I'm entitled to a drink or two.

I worked all week.

- What the f*** is going on here?

- Grandpa!

- You walk around my living

room with your shoes on?

We take our shoes off

when we walk around here.

- Is everything okay, Grandpa?

- Healthy as a 50-year-old,

that's what he said.

Of course, my first wife died at 50.

I don't listen to any of

those lying bastards anyway.

- Well, you look wonderful, Kenny.

You look like a 50-year-old.

- Bullshit, pal, human

beings don't look wonderful

at my age.

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