Let's Kill Grandpa This Christmas Page #3

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We look like overgrown prunes.

And I'll tell you something,

some day you'll look just like this, okay?

So save all that bullshit for someone

you're trying to stick you're dick in.

- Hi Grandpa.

- Oh, will you look at this?

You're right, Leigh,

she's becoming a lush.

- Here we go.

- What a shame to be given

the wonderful gift of life,

just to drink it all away.

- Do you remember Carl, Grandpa?

- I can't say he made

much of an impression.

Does he talk?

Do you talk, you say something?

Well, what are you, a man or a mouse?

- I'm a man.

- Bullshit you are.

- Women are the new men.

Clits are the new c*cks.

C*cks are clits.

It's all topsy-turvy now.

- Be nice, Grandpa.

- They're coming out of the woodwork.

- Happy 80th, Mr. Larkin.

- Ah see, the only one to say it.

What the hell happened to you?

- I was in an accident in Afghanistan.

- You're a soldier?

- I was.

Do you even know what we're f***

you were doing over there?

- We're fighting terrorists, Grandpa.

We're putting an end to terrorism.

- And we're damn proud of you, Ray.

- Terrorists, we're all terrorists.

What, I can't open my mouth up anymore?

- We love you, Grandpa.

- Are you gonna give her a baby?

Or is she gonna waste her

life waiting for some drip

to perform like man?

You know, she's not getting any younger.

Her oven is getting cold.

- In due time, Kenny.

Everything in due time.

- You mean like menopause?

Where are you going Grandpa?

- I'm going to feed some raccoons.

You know, you feed them

lunch and then they come back

and try to eat their way

back into your f***ing house.

- Okay.

- Oh hi, Kenny.

- What are you doing up?

- I was wondering, are

there any extra blankets?

- Ah, did that heater go out again?

Geez.

Listen, I didn't mean anything

about what I said before,

you know, it's just that

these wars just piss me off.

- That's okay, it didn't bother me.

- Have some tea, I've

got some water boiling.

I'll give you some Sleepytime.

- Oh no, that's okay.

- You like honey, I got

honey, too, upstairs.

All right, honey?

- Okay.

- Happy birthday.

- Eh, it's no big deal, you know.

But one thing I have learned,

and that is you have to

celebrate every day you're here,

because it's over before you even know

what the hell hit you.

- You're happy, though.

I mean, you had a good life.

- Hey, I'm not dead yet, all right.

Don't go burying me, for God's sake.

- No, no, no.

- Thank you for throwing

dirt on me.

- No, I meant to say so far.

- I'm teasing you, the old

man's just teasing you.

Don't get upset.

- Do I smell weed?

- Yeah, I've been smoking since the '60s.

Yeah, they were good times then, you know?

We almost made a difference, here.

- Oh.

- It's kind.

- It's kind he says.

- Yeah?

Yeah, it is.

- Hey.

Hey Carl.

- I can't sleep.

- Something on your mind, pal?

- Oh no, nothing,

nothing worth mentioning.

- Wrestle with the demons,

they come out at night.

- Yeah.

- Hey, come in here, have a seat.

- Yeah, have a seat, Carl.

Hey, you want a pull?

- Oh, no, no, it doesn't agree with me.

I get paranoid.

- Ah, not on this stuff you won't.

You'll be asleep before you even know

what the hell hit you.

- She won't know.

- Yeah, relax, huh.

You know, you're on vacation here, pal.

You've got a lot of tension

in those shoulders, you know?

- You have very strong hands.

- Well, they have to be

strong to work the soil.

We have to have more reverence

for the soil, you know?

They're destroying, they

destroy everything that's good.

Like they killed that young Kennedy boy.

He wasn't afraid to stand up

to them, so they killed him.

That's how you know

you're a good president,

when they kill you.

- Wow, when they kill

you, you know you're good.

That's right, sure.

We kill our heroes and

we praise our villains

and give them all kinds of awards.

It's a very topsy-turvy land.

- When we die, do you think we grow wings

and go to a better place?

- Yeah, yeah, we become plants.

And then we become angels.

- Just like plants.

- Sure, we're all angels deep down inside.

How about you, you have something to say?

You wanna speak up here?

- Well, my mouth is dry.

- You want some tea?

- Sleepytime is good.

- Uh yeah, I, yeah, I'll

have, that sounds good.

- All right, let me get you some.

- No, I'll get it.

- I'll get it, relax.

- No, no, I'll get it.

- Sorry, Kenny, do you

want some more hot water?

- Yeah, yeah, I just need a

little more water, thanks.

I don't

- Well, you know, nice

to have a little service

every now and then, you know, right?

You're sweaty and you're a little pale.

Yeah, what's on your mind, pal?

- It's, uh, nothing.

- Well, remember this, whatever it is,

listen to what's deep down inside.

Don't listen to what they want you to do.

You have a choice.

You always have a choice.

Unless they put you in

one of those prisons.

- I don't wanna be,

I'm tired of being locked up.

Then get out.

- He's a very smart man, you

should listen to him, Carl.

You should get out, let yourself go.

- Yes, it's no good carrying

around this tension.

You'll give yourself a heart attack.

You probably clogged up all your arteries

with all that worry.

- Do you know, do you

know what's going on?

- Hey, if you smoke the right

plants, you know everything.

- What's so funny guys,

is something funny?

- Who wants breakfast?

Over the river and through the woods

To Grandmother's house we go

Da da da da da da da da

And through the shining snow

Over the river and through the winds

Some flapjacks for you Leigh

- Thank you Brett, those look amazing.

- Hopefully they taste amazing.

Hey babe, good morning.

- Good morning.

You're chipper this morning.

- Yeah, there's a lot to

be chipper about, babe.

All of us gathering as a family

makes me feel kind of

warm and tingly inside.

Feels good.

Feels good to be alive.

Well, well, well,

look who's finally decided to

grace us with his presence.

Good morning, sunshine.

- Good morning.

- Looks like someone got a little visit

from the hair fairy, huh, honey?

Sorry.

- What are you sorry about?

- I don't know.

You all right, pal?

- I'm fine.

- He's always like this in the morning.

He's a total zombie

until he has his coffee.

Isn't that right, Carl?

- Yeah.

- Well, let's get you set up, then, pal.

How do you take it?

- Huh?

- He really is a zombie.

- How do you take your coffee, bro?

- Earth to Fog, come in Fog.

- Oh, regular, I take it regular.

- Snap out of it Carl,

you're embarrassing yourself.

- Hey, shouldn't Grandpa be up by now?

I thought he always

rose with the roosters.

- You know what, he went to

bed pretty early last night.

Maybe someone should check on him.

- I'd like to finish my drink

before having to deal with

him, thank you very much.

- Yeah, well, I'll check on him

because I'm starting to get worried.

- Oh don't.

- What?

- Let him sleep, he probably needs it.

They need their sleep at that age.

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