Let's Kill Grandpa This Christmas Page #4

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- It's 10:
00 a.m. Carl,

I'm checking on him.

- Don't, don't go in there, Leigh.

Why shouldn't

she go in there, Carl?

- Because he's...

He's what?

He's what, Carl?

- He's, he's dead.

What?

- He passed away, he must've

gone in his sleep or something.

I'm sorry.

How do you know?

What happened?

- I went in there early this morning

looking for some matches.

And I asked him if he had some

and he wasn't saying anything.

So I went over to him, and I shook him,

and he wouldn't wake up.

I put my fingers under his nose

and he wasn't breathing, so I,

I didn't know what to do, so I just,

I just kept checking

and there was nothing.

He was gone.

He's gone.

- Well, what are we gonna do?

I mean, what are we gonna do with him?

- Well, I guess we call 911.

None of us should go up

there and look at him.

He's probably all blue or

whatever color they turn.

- Why didn't you do something

or tell us something last night?

- Well, what was I gonna do?

He wasn't breathing, he was dead.

- If someone's not breathing,

it doesn't necessarily mean they're dead.

- He wasn't breathing for a long time.

I checked several times.

I kept checking.

- Well, for how long?

How long wasn't he breathing?

Two or three

minutes, I don't know.

- And you didn't try to revive him?

- Yeah, why didn't you

try to revive him, Carl?

- I don't know, okay, I don't know, geez.

- You said you went in there for matches.

Why did you need matches?

- To light a fire, I

wanted to light a fire.

It was freezing in that room.

I feel like I'm on the freaking

stand right now, okay, geez.

- It wasn't even cold last night.

- 'Cause you stole all

the covers, you always do.

It was freezing.

- There's no fireplace in that room.

Where were you going to light it?

- In the den.

I was gonna sleep on the couch in the den.

This is ridiculous.

- You're a real idiot Carl, you know that?

You're a real idiot, Carl.

- I didn't kill him, okay, honey?

- Who said anything about killing him?

- Yeah, it sounds like you're saying it.

- Why would you say that?

Why would you say that, Carl?

- Because I was...

- What, you were what?

- You were what, Carl?

Say something Carl, think Carl!

- Well, what happened?

- Sleep apnea.

- Huh?

- He has sleep apnea, Leigh just told me.

You can stop breathing for

several minutes in your sleep.

- But you gave him the tea, right?

He drank it, you saw him drink it?

What?

- I didn't do it.

- What?

- I didn't put any rat poison in his tea.

I couldn't do it.

Why not?

- Because he was saying

all this crazy stuff

that was freaking me out.

I finally went back in

there this morning to

smother him with his pillow,

and I was standing there for a long time

just looking at him, and I

noticed that he wasn't breathing.

So I put my fingers under

his nose and he wasn't.

So I thought my job was

done for me, you know,

by God or whatever.

- Okay, okay, so we'll try again tonight.

No problem.

You can do it tonight.

- Uh uh, no way.

- Why not?

- I can't.

- What do you mean you can't?

- It'll freak me out way too much, Brett.

You saw the girls.

Did you notice how upset Leigh was?

- Leigh is gonna be fine.

With all your financial

burdens put to rest,

she'll get over this

very quickly, trust me.

- But Kenny, he's, he's

a human being, Brett.

- Bullshit, he's a f***ing dinosaur

who should've been

extinct a long time ago.

Do you have any idea what

it's like getting Ray in

on his appointments nowadays

with all these prehistoric

animals roaming the earth

and sucking up all the doctors' time?

He'd die waiting.

And resources, to have them around

for all these unnecessary years.

The carbon footprint, Carl.

We're overpopulated.

And you call yourself a nature enthusiast?

Not exactly eco-friendly.

I've digressed.

Look, to make an omelette,

you have to break an egg.

- I'm not breaking any eggs, I'm sorry.

There's just,

there's just something

inside of me telling me no.

- So you're a p*ssy, Carl.

- I'm sorry, Brett.

- Okay.

Okay.

I want you to see that

inheritance now, Carl.

Really see it.

2.2 million dollars.

And now, I want you to see

how you're deliberately

flushing it deep down into

the sh*t-covered waters

of sh*t's f***ing creek,

where it's devoured by all

of the little sh*t-eaters.

Really see yourself now, Carl,

just waving goodbye to it,

with that sorry little look on your face,

and a paddle stuck up your

ass that was jammed in there

by an unfair world that

you weren't man enough

to stake your claim in.

Nothing.

Nothing to say, Carl?

- We were drinking yesterday

and we were caught up in

too much holiday cheer

and goofing around when we--

- Oh, I see, so you think the one holding

the sh*t end of the

stick should be the one

that carries this out, huh?

Is that what you think, Carl?

You think I should be the

one that has to do this?

- I've stated my position, and,

I'm not gonna waver.

I'm standing my ground.

- I think you'll do it.

- Huh?

- I think you'd rather kill Grampy

than deal with the

ramifications of your wife

finding out the truth.

- About what?

- I ran into Jerry Ryan yesterday.

Yeah.

Does Leigh know that

you're unemployed, Carl?

Don't make me be the bad guy here.

- You'd never--

I wouldn't?

- Brett, you're my friend.

- And I'm trying to help

you salvage your life, Carl.

I think some gratitude

might be more appropriate.

- Sociopath.

That's a

compliment these days, Carl.

And for that I thank you.

- Don't do this, please,

please don't make me do this.

- You almost did it on your own accord.

I'm just giving you a little push.

You can do it, Carl.

Never quit on a dream.

You know, I used to play the sax, too.

You gotta have a lot of

soul to play the sax.

Hey buddy.

- Something really crazy's

going on around here.

This is gonna blow your frigging mind.

- What are you talking about?

- I was in Kenny's room last night.

- Kenny?

- Yeah, Grandpa Kenny.

It was in the wee hours.

He asked me to come in.

- Ray, you weren't supposed

to be in there last night.

- Why wasn't I supposed to be in there?

- So let's get you dressed,

we're going for a walk.

You were drinking yesterday, smoking weed.

Not to mention you just

got back from the war

where they put that damn

steel plate in your head.

- Okay, are you done?

- I'm just saying, sometimes the mind

can play tricks on us and

make us perceive things

in funny ways.

- Will you listen to me?

My perception is fine.

And what happened in that room last night

was as real as anything I've experienced

in my entire life.

You are not gonna believe this one, Brett.

- All right, what, what happened already?

- We made love like animals last night.

- What, who?

- Me and Kenny.

- Huh?

- It was raw.

It was wild.

It was animalistic.

It was everything.

This is the best Christmas ever.

- You banged Jen's grandfather last night?

You hit that?

- Oh, it wasn't like that.

If anything, he was the one in control.

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