Let's Kill Grandpa This Christmas Page #5

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- He's gay or bi?

- He doesn't feel the need

to put labels on things.

Oh man he did things to me

no man's ever done before.

It was a religious experience.

- I like it.

I like this.

You're back.

- I'm back.

- You are back.

- I'm back.

- This sh*t is back.

- I'm back, I'm back!

- This just in, the kid is back.

- I'm back, I'm gay, I'm getting sick.

- You are a sick puppy is what you are.

Ray, this is legendary.

You are an instant hero with the story.

Now this is the greatest

story ever told, oh man.

I can't wait to tell Dino and Jimmy,

they're gonna sh*t their pants.

- No, don't tell anyone, Brett.

- Whoa, whoa, easy.

Ray, this nothing to be ashamed of, okay?

So you've been hit by a pitch.

Dust yourself off, get back in the game.

- I didn't get hit by a pitch.

- It's a metaphor, Ray.

- I understand the metaphor.

And it doesn't apply here.

He's an amazing man.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're getting ahead

of yourself here, Ray.

- We were communicating without speaking.

- You were f***ing high.

- I understand that.

And I've thought about it all morning,

and it doesn't change.

- Settle, Ray, okay, settle.

- That's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm settling with him.

We're getting married.

- You're what?

- I love him, Brett.

Get that through your head.

He loves me.

And we want to explore

these feelings further.

Now, we're going to have

a celebration wedding here tomorrow.

Then Tuesday morning, we're going down

to the Town Hall to make it official.

I want you to be my best man.

- No.

- What do you mean no?

- I mean, snap the f*** out of it, Ray.

You're not marrying him.

Look, you've been deprived

of sex for a long time, okay?

A man does crazy things

when deprived of sex.

Just ask a priest.

Look, you'll get past this, okay?

In a few months, when you find yourself

a normal piece of ass,

whose birth date was sometime

after f***ing Prohibition.

- You're not listening to

a single word I'm saying.

I love him.

- No, no, you lust him.

I can't believe I'm saying

this with a straight face.

You lust Grandpa.

You could do better than

this, Ray, much better.

Give it some time, Jesus.

- I don't want you at my wedding.

I'll ask Carl to be my best man.

- Empathize with me, Ray.

42-year-old men do not

normally fall in love

with the elderly.

- Real love knows no boundaries, Brett.

Now do you support me on this or not?

Yes or no.

Do you?

You are as shallow as a puddle of piss.

Get out of my way, Brett.

- Ray. Ray.

Ray!

- Carl. Carl.

Carl.

He's a loser,

he'll only f*** it up.

He's an anxious guy who's

been pushed around all day.

He's a loser, loser, loser, loser, loser.

- Christmas bonus is

not delivering itself.

Be the hero, Carl.

Be the one who makes all of

her holiday wishes come true.

The hero.

- Hey, sounds like the little

morning birdies are chirping,

huh, the larks?

Yeah, hey.

- You look like hell.

- Yeah, my head feels

like a demolition site.

I feel like hell.

- Well, maybe I can cheer you up.

- Not now, Leigh.

Stop.

I said stop geez, do you wanna get caught?

- You got bad breath.

- Yeah, so do you.

- What is your problem?

- I think we need to put

the brakes on this, okay?

- On what, us?

- No, not us, I'm talking

about this project,

Project Grampy.

- Why?

- Because I spoke with Ray just now

and he just told me some very

bizarre and perverse things.

- Yeah, I know all about it.

I just had a conversation

with his soulmate.

He professed the whole disgusting thing.

- Yeah, it's grotesque.

- Yeah, it is, and potentially

a very big hindrance

as he's not trying to get his

paws into my piece of the pie.

So I'm confused why

exactly is there a problem?

- Because he loves him, Leigh.

- Jesus Christ, he

wants his f***ing money.

- No, I've never seen

him so sure of anything

in his life, he's telling the truth.

- Well, then he's a filthy creeper

with a fetish for

geriatrics is what he is.

- Hey, did he make a mistake, yes.

But he's my brother, okay?

Respect that.

- No, I don't respect that.

I have zero respect for perverts.

So is this thing on or not,

because my muscles are

getting f***ing cold.

What, you're gonna call it off?

We had a deal.

"Let's kill Grandpa this

Christmas," you said.

"I will convince your drip

husband to snuff him out

"so that we don't have to

do it ourselves," you said.

Remember?

Hello, remember?

I see how it is.

I see.

You care more about

that perverted gimp boy

that you do about us, fine.

Just know that you'll never

get your hands on this

again.

'Cause here's now it's gonna go down now.

Here's the new plan.

If by tomorrow morning that old hag

hasn't drifted down to

the fiery halls of hell

where he belongs, we're through.

And not only are we through,

but your marriage is through.

- You'd never.

- Oh, I will.

I will tell my sister all

about her filthy husband

and now he forced himself on me.

And I will even turn on the tears.

She will kick you out like

the unemployed vagabond

that you are.

- You psychopath.

- That's the highest compliment

a person can receive, Brett.

And for that,

I thank you.

- How are you doing?

I'm so glad you came, you know?

- Thank you.

- What are you doing over there, Carl?

- Oh nothing, just, uh...

- What, Carl?

- Leigh, I, uh...

- Oh, Carl.

- Do you remember how we

were when we first met, just

two broke college kids

without a care in the world,

just laughing, making love, smoking grass.

- Yeah, of course I remember, honey.

- We didn't have a nickel to spare, but,

somehow we were king and queen

of the entire world, hon.

- Is there something else

you wanna tell me, Carl?

- No, its just,

if we were, if we were to lose everything,

and we had to start all over again,

could you still love me?

- Why are you asking me that, Carl?

- I just,

I just wanted to make sure

our foundation is still solid.

- Well, we're not kids anymore.

We're adults in the real world.

And in the real world,

there are winners and there are losers.

I have no intention of being a loser.

So if you were to lose everything,

I would probably have to file for divorce.

Okay.

Let's get ready for Grandpa's party.

I got your outfit all

picked out and ready to go.

- I don't have an

appetite for some reason.

- It's rude to leave the table

when people are still eating.

- Everyone's done.

- I'm not done.

- Honey, I think that's enough

with the drinking this weekend.

- That's enough.

Now I've got something to tell yous

and I might as well do it now.

I'm changing the will.

Ray and I are going off to Europe

and we're not coming back.

I might even buy a castle.

- That's a wonderful idea, Grandpa.

Isn't it wonderful, Leigh?

- It's amazing.

- And whatever's left of the 2.2 million,

after I'm gone, that's

what you get, Leigh.

- Well, I don't care about that, Grandpa.

I just want you to be happy.

- Good, I'm going to see

the lawyer tomorrow morning,

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