Let's Kill Grandpa This Christmas Page #7

---

You remember those little comfort blankets

you girls had when you were young?

Yeah, made you feel nice and safe?

- Yeah, I remember.

- What did yours look like, Leigh?

- Well, it was blue, with

little pink bunnies on it.

- Right, see I like to think of this

as my little blue blanket

with little pink bunnies on it,

just in case the big bad wolf

comes knocking on that door

in the middle of the night.

- Grandpa.

- I want you two to move

over to that wall over there.

Come on, move it!

Move!

Now get down on your knees,

get down on your knees.

Do it!

- Well, what about Carl?

- Are you sorry, sonny,

for trying to kill me?

- Words could never express it Kenny.

I was weak.

- Uh, relax, everybody makes a mistake.

But at the end, you were strong.

- Thank you.

Thank you, Kenny.

- I'm calling the police.

No, no, no, that's not

gonna do us any good.

You can't get any justice

here, just ask OJ.

What do you think, Leigh,

should I put you out of your misery

like you were thinking about

putting me out of mine?

- It was his idea.

The whole thing, it was all his idea.

- Is that true, Brett?

Were you thinking of putting

me down like an old horse

so you could get my house?

- Come on, you've known her long enough

to know how she is.

She lies, she's a liar.

She's a pathological liar.

- And what are you?

- Aw honey, come on, I can

make it up to you, please.

- Oh honey, honey.

You better hope he kills you,

because you no longer have a sponsor.

- Or a brother.

- Ray, come on, she made me do it, Ray.

- I feel sorry for you, Brett.

I really do.

- You have any last words, either of you?

- Please, please, please,

please, please, please,

please, please.

- Have you been doing that

all of your life?

Please, please, please,

don't hurt me, please.

Say it.

All right, let's get on with this.

Who's with me.

Don't you move an inch or

I'll blast that stupid look

off your face.

Do you have the vows, honey?

- Yeah, I hope they're not too long.

I don't like drawing out ceremonies.

- No honey, they're just

like you, short and sweet.

- Here Carl, you're the priest.

- Okay.

- Any objections, Leigh?

Huh, anything you wanna say?

Any objections to us getting married?

- Congratulations!

- Thank you, Brett,

that means a lot to me.

And I'm gonna keep that in mind

when I decide where to f***ing bury you.

- What are you gonna do?

- What?

- Whatever you're gonna do, just do it.

- Now isn't that just like

you, always about to you.

You wanna talk about you all the time.

I'm trying to get married here.

And you want to talk about you.

Okay, okay, let's make it about you, huh?

Tell them how the story's gonna end.

- How grave.

What about you, Leigh,

what are you gonna do?

- Just shoot me.

Just shoot me and get it over with.

- Aw, get the f*** out of

here before I change my mind.

- Carl?

- What?

- I need the keys.

- Walk.

All right,

let's get on with this.

Go ahead, Carl.

Okay, just read it?

- You can read, right?

- Yeah, I can read.

Do you Ray take this ancient relic

till the day he croaks to be your husband?

To enjoy him deeply and not

take things too seriously?

To live your truth despite

what he or the government

or the Illuminati or the aliens are doing?

Do you promise to be happy for yourself

so you can inspire happiness in him

or anyone else who cares to be,

though not make it your responsibility?

I do.

- And do you, Kenny, take

this paralyzed immobile lump

to be your husband?

To wheel him around and let

him be just one more excuse

for your happiness on this

perfectly f***ed up planet,

till the forces within or without

pull the two of you irrevokably apart,

despite the fact that

on a subatomic level,

you never were and never will be separate?

- I do.

- You may now kiss the groom.

Christmas

Christmas

Christmas

Christmas

There is Santa Claus I know

Coming through the snow

On his way to you and me

I know that I can see

The reindeer in the sky

Red-nosed reindeer so bright

Are you a criminal or a virgin

Getting silver or a lump of coal

We'll give you nothing

if you knew the truth

Merry Christmas

Happy New Year

I wanna kill you

And I've chosen a direction

Saying life is for me

I'll check myself

A little

No boring bombs

You get what you want

Have a you criminal or virgin

Getting silver or a lump of coal

You're giving nothing

if you knew the truth

Merry Christmas

Happy New Year

I wanna kill you

When I see you Santa,

we'll have a drink

I always knew that you think

Maybe Jesus knows

What you've done

Hide your tracks 'cause it's

Christmas

There's a Santa Claus I know

Coming through the snow

Always waiting here

And me, I know what I can see

A reindeer in the sky

Red-nosed reindeer so bright

Are you a criminal or virgin

Getting silver or a lump of coal

You may get nothing

if you knew the truth

Merry Christmas

Happy New Year

I wanna kill you

Merry Christmas

Happy New Year

I wanna kill you

I wanna kill you

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes