Let's Kill Ward's Wife Page #2

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Her dog? It's a pug?

You know who it is. Just

give me a second, all right?

Hey, babe.

Around 5:
00.

So how... how... how's the baby?

Oh, really. So, look,

what I think you should...

yeah, you do whatever you think.

At the end of the day, you're the mommy.

Whatever you wanna do.

I love you. Hello?

Hello?

Everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's, uh...

she's just a little upset

'cause the baby's cranky,

and I'm not around.

Because you're working. Yeah.

But I'm not there

for her and the baby either.

Because you're at work.

I know.

Just a really tough time

right now.

Maybe you can

have Stacy call Geena.

Maybe they can go

to the park or something,

get the kids out of the house

for a little while. Really?

That'd be okay with Geena?

Are you kidding?

Oh, she'd love that.

Maybe, um... maybe Sunday

while we're at golf.

You didn't tell her about golf?

I'm gonna. I promise. I am.

Look, it's really rough

right now with the kid.

You know I have a baby, too, right?

Yeah.

David... he's got a kid.

I'll tell her tonight.

For our champion, bunny!

Uh, do these go with your pants,

or are they workout gear?

So pants? That's what they are.

Hey, honey? Honey?

What?

So the guys are going golfing

for father's day,

and I was wondering

if I could go with them?

If you don't wanna spend father's day

with your son, that's up to you.

No, I always wanna

spend time with him.

Obviously you don't, ward.

You just told me

you wanna spend it

with the guys playing golf.

I'm stuck here every day, but...

I'm sure tom wants to spend it

with his wife and child.

No, babe. Tom's going.

Yeah, it was his idea.

He's playing golf.

Don't pass the blame.

You're responsible for your own actions.

All right?

Not tom or Ronnie or any of

your other idiot friends.

How's he doing?

Yeah. He's such a good boy.

Uh-huh.

Man, if I'm exhausted,

you've just gotta be beat, huh?

He's a full-time job.

I'm okay.

I'm almost back

to my pre-baby weight.

I know, and you look great.

You want a piece of this?

Yeah. Yeah, you know I do.

I'm just so tired, babe.

Oh... Come on. I'm so tired.

Okay? Yeah.

Night. Night.

Uh, you don't have

a cappuccino machine, do you?

Big D! What'd you get?

Wow. You look like a fool.

Hey, can I get a, uh,

breakfast sandy, no mayo?

Reminds me of cum.

You know, uh, make that

two, and a froot loops.

Lily!

Brought your kid? Yeah.

Amanda needed, uh...

I don't know. Something.

Whatever. You know, I'm

not pulling my punches.

She's heard it all before.

Oh, I've got some new sh*t.

I doubt that.

Yeah. Where you at?

Hey, man, how's it going?

You here?

No.

Look, I'm not gonna

make it today.

What are you talking about?

It's f***ing father's day.

That's the thing.

What a p*ssy. Aagh!

Sorry. Christ. Hit another.

She says her relationship

with her father is strained.

You're hitting three. Shut up.

Dad.

Sorry, honey.

F***!

Dad!

Sorry. You know what?

I'm just gonna go ahead

and talk in your back swing from now

on if it doesn't make any difference.

I mean, do they even talk?

What's that mean, "strained"?

I don't know. It means

he's a f***ing p*ssy.

Tour quality.

She says that father's day

reminds her of how bad

her relationship is with her

father, and that she needs him.

Needs him? Yep.

She hates him.

She spends her whole day

terrorizing and berating

that p*ssy.

I mean, not that he doesn't

deserve some of it, but f***.

Not bad. You'll be okay. Yeah.

At least he's laying one.

Shh!

Did you tell her she sucked

in prairie girl?

Yeah, Ronnie, I did. I told robin

peters that she sucked in prairie girl.

You know what?

She's top three for me.

You just put me in a room with her,

I would close that deal so fast.

I met her a couple times. We

used to have the same publicist.

I think last time I saw her

was in a gifting suite.

What the f*** is that?

That's my point, Ron.

You will never close

with somebody like that

because you need a connection,

an introduction.

Tom, buddy? No way. Never.

All right. How about this?

If I sink this putt,

it'll happen.

You sink this putt,

I will sh*t in the cup.

Na na na na na na na...

Oh, god.

Oh!

Hey, I think you

owe me some poo.

Is that good?

Ward. He wants to know

who's ahead.

Radio silence. Yeah, no way.

No sac, no scores.

Daddy, what's a sack?

It's a bag of doughnuts.

Uh, ward didn't show up

with the bag of doughnuts, so...

I mean, seriously, tom, you know,

there's not rocking the boat,

and then there's sacrificing

your entire f***ing...

sorry. Your entire existence.

I get it. Which sometimes has

to occur when you have a kid.

Yeah. Little bit.

Christ, we haven't seen him

since the christening.

What? Me neither.

Yeah. He won't let us

come over. Germs.

I miss that p*ssy.

Daddy. I know.

I know, honey. Um, just, uh...

can you go get us some M&M's?

Terrible.

I mean, come on.

We joke about it, right?

We joke about it, but ward's

always been easy to be bullied.

She's a f***ing bully!

I mean, ever since she got

pregnant, she's got him.

He's f***ing trapped. He called

me before the baby was born.

She was, like, four or

five months pregnant.

He was in tears.

"I'm a horrible husband.

I can't make her happy.

I treat her badly."

What? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

She's got him believing that all

of her problems stem from him.

How his parents hate her

and all this f***ing bullshit.

We should just kill her.

Sure. Wife.

But you gotta think about the kid

growing up without a mother.

I wouldn't do that to a kid.

It's better than

growing up with that

troll as your mother.

That's so true. That's true.

Or we could kill him. Ramone?

What? Dude.

No, war... you don't kill

a f***ing baby.

Ward. I'd do that for him.

I'd do that for him.

It's a mercy killing.

Mm-mm. F*** that, because then the

kid's gotta grow up with her.

I wouldn't do that to the kid. Not

even one I'm not allowed to see.

Besides, if ward's not here,

who am I gonna wreck

on the golf course, huh?

David. Mm-mm. It's too easy.

Oh, yeah?

How's being separated?

Go f*** yourself.

Point made.

There's a theory

that everybody gets one.

One what? One murder.

Okay. How do you do it

and not get caught?

Well, she's got no friends.

Mom died. Dad doesn't

seem to care, I'm sure.

It's true...

no one would miss her.

What'd you do,

eat me for breakfast?

You should think of murder

at every address.

Daddy!

So what's the distance?

I don't know. 180, 190.

I should go pro.

Do you hear that?

Do you hear it?

Now that you woke our baby up,

you're gonna get me

a foot-long sub.

Double meat, double cheese.

Or are you gonna keep doing

nothing for your family

because it's father's day?

Jesus! Are you sick?

Good times today, boys. It was.

Definitely. Lovely.

I miss our black friend.

We could kill her, you know?

Sure, buddy.

You know what?

That sounds like a plan.

Now that you've been killed off

your last three TV shows

and your wife moved out, you got all

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