Let's Kill Ward's Wife Page #4

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You're just different.

Not good different.

Not like me and ward.

We're good different.

We make it work. But, you know,

maybe that's because

he's not a cheater.

Ward's too much of a p*ssy

to be a cheater.

But what do I know?

I never thought you were

a cheater either.

Okay.

Listen. Come here.

Look...

I thought about cheating too.

And you know what?

Maybe I've already done it.

It's fun, right?

Secret phone calls...

"I'll see you Tuesday"...

We're a lot alike. Mm-mm.

You and me, tom...

we could do it now.

We could cheat now.

Maybe... maybe there's

some advantages

to being with people

as naive, stupid

as Geena and my little ward.

I wonder what Geena

would think of that phone call.

Oh!

What the f***?

F***.

Oh, f***.

Oh...

Okay.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, sh*t.

Okay. Okay.

Let me ask you a question...

That was quite a call. Yeah.

Your wife says

you're almost out of diapers.

Really? Yeah.

Okay. Um, you guys will be

here when I get back, right?

You know I will be.

We should probably get going.

Yeah. We'll be here.

We'll be here.

All right. See you in a sec.

Yep.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

You're lying. Big-time.

I just wanted to mash her face

in the cake, you know?

But then she slipped, and...

I don't know.

Tom! Holy sh*t, dude.

Yeah, I know. She's dead?

Yeah.

But... but it was

an accident, right?

I mean... wait.

Is that icing on her neck?

Well, yeah.

She was bleeding all over,

and she still had a pulse,

so I... so you strangled her?

I don't know.

Maybe. Yeah. Yeah.

I think she's probably put on six or

seven pounds since I saw her last.

No, I think that's just the cake.

No, I...

on her face.

I thought that earlier.

So what do we do?

Well, we could've called 911

and said she slipped or something,

but now that you strangled her, I...

no. I couldn't risk her waking up and

saying I smashed her face in the cake.

No, I know. I know that. They'd

know that she was strangled?

Yeah. Look at her neck.

That'll tell everything.

I'm an idiot. F***! Hey.

So I'm sorry... can we just

focus for a second, please?

My best friend's dead wife

is lying in a pool of blood,

covered with cake

on his kitchen floor!

I got diapers!

Got the last pack. Whew!

Hey, man.

You?

No.

Yeah.

Dude, we didn't need diapers.

Where's Ramone? F***!

You killed my wife, and

you left my baby outside?

I did not leave your kid outside.

Oh, my god!

I'll take a look.

I know what to do.

Hmm.

We're in the kitchen!

What? Holy sh*t!

I know. Jesus!

Right?

She dead? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Your hair looks great!

You like it? I'm not sure.

Yeah! Really great.

All right, we need your help.

Oh.

Okay.

Oh, this is crazy.

Ah, anyway, uh... When I was researching

how to dispose of her body,

I came up with a bunch

of possible solutions.

When? What?

When were you researching

how to dispose of her body?

Just when Ron called. No. No.

You didn't know she was

dead when he called.

I-I knew that... I knew that...

Uh, not her... body.

Not your lovely wife.

I, uh... that's what was

so crazy about all this,

is I... have been doing

all this research

about how to get away

with murder.

For a role

that I'm preparing for.

You guys planned this.

No, I never intended

to kill your wife.

I did not.

We had talked... not seriously...

about Stacy dying,

about killing her.

You serious? Gross!

F***, dude, shut up! Well, we had.

We had talked about it.

What the f***? Look, I...

no, it's... I'm sor...

we were passing time on

the golf course, okay?

It wasn't serious!

It was guys talking.

Obviously, it was serious.

Because f***ing

Harvey Keitel here...

Thank you. Has researched and

compiled what... what is this?

Three pages of copious notes

on how to kill my wife?

Not how to kill your wife.

How to dispose of her body.

That's completely different!

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry that we... we talked

about killing your wife.

Even as a joke, it's not cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too. Right.

Okay, let's get started.

I got a few options.

A few different ways

of doing this.

Of course I have my favorite,

but I think ultimately

this is a decision that we

should come to as a group.

Agreed. If it's cool with ward?

Sure.

Why not? F*** it. Beautiful!

There is the basic

burial method.

Either whole or dismembered.

We take the body

to a remote location,

dig a hole, or holes,

and bury this b*tch.

I'm sorry.

Um, if we do choose this way,

it is better to dismember

the body into six pieces.

We want to go head,

torso, four limbs,

put each in a garbage bag,

fill them with bleach.

Now, the bleach not

only disguises

any scent for any

wandering animals, or uh,

or search parties... but it also

begins the breakdown

process of the flesh.

Wow. Uh!

Okay, then we just... we just

go to different locations,

and we just bury her there.

That makes sense.

I think so.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

But... what about DNA?

What about...

what about dental records?

What about fingerprints?

Good question! Thank you.

Regardless of any method,

and I got a few more,

we want to cut off and burn

the tips of her fingers,

pull out her teeth...

if we can't pull them out,

grind them all the way down.

We just want to get rid

of any easy identifiers.

What about her face? That too. We got

to make it totally unrecognizable.

All right.

I'm gonna need some more wine.

Mm-hmm.

Will you get wine? Yeah.

I'm just gonna keep going. Here's

the guy Ritchie method. Now.

I looked this up,

and I couldn't really find

any concrete documentation

on it,

but it sounds really cool.

Having her eaten by pigs.

Ooh! Oh!

Now we'd have to get

her weight right

so that I can get the

appropriate number of swine.

Well, did you know

what she weighed?

Um... between 133 and 134.

Oh, that is way low!

Yeah, way low.

Women are brutal.

We don't have any f***ing pigs.

I know. That's why

there's the ocean.

We weigh her down,

take her out to sea.

Now, you do run the risk

of her washing ashore

unless you just jam her into an oil

drum and just pack it with concrete.

Yeah, but we don't have a boat.

We can always rent a boat.

I'd love to go on a boat.

Me, too. A cruise. Really?

Yeah. What, and then at some

point we just tell the captain,

"hey, uh, can you stop for a second while

we just drop some sh*t overboard?"

Whoa. What we could do is

chop her up into tiny pieces,

and throw her over bit by bit.

He'd never see that.

What, like chum?

Yeah. It'd be like Shawshank, when Andy

would take pieces from his cell wall

and sprinkle 'em in the yard.

I love that movie.

There's no women in that movie.

Isn't that weird?

We could go big

and do a wood chipper.

Fargo!

Oh, I love that movie, too.

I mean, you shove her

right into the teeth,

it's almost impossible to trace.

Yeah, but well, no. You could

trace the wood chipper

through the rental, though. Yeah.

You would have to use cash,

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