Life's a Breeze

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- What do I get out of it?

- Emma, you don't get

to ask that question

at 13 years of age.

You have duties, live with it.

Why do I have to go

before and after school?

Yeah, why does

she have to go before and after?

Because Mom is 79 and not

quite the full shilling anymore.

Whoops!

Calculator in the corn flakes.

God, just bring her her bloody paper

and milk and stop moaning

about it, will ya?

Once I get some

new stock I'll be fine.

- The problem's just cash flow.

- Just get it from the bank.

They're not lending.

You can't all go on borrowing

money from me indefinitely.

Mmm, from us indefinitely.

From me indefinitely.

- Mom!

- What?

I don't have time to make

you gourmet lunches, Emma.

This is embarrassing.

Just take a bite of the banana

and then a bite of the bread.

That's what we used to have.

- You tell her.

- Last time, I promise.

And what happens when

you can't pay me back?

I'll pay you back.

I'll have to give you a check.

- What?

- She's old and weird

and only ever wants

to argue about things.

Can't argue with that.

Thanks, sis, you're a lifesaver.

Your mom is well able

to look after herself.

She could come and live

with us instead.

Do as your mother tells you.

No.

Thank you, dear.

You're welcome.

Mom!

Mom!

Come on, Mom, will you help?

Ask her where's my birth cert.

What's he looking for now?

- Birth cert.

- Where did you put it?

I mean it's not like

they don't know who I am.

I've been going down there

for nearly twenty years.

I collect once a week.

I sign on once a month.

I mean, they have my signature.

They have my picture!

And what the hell is

an annual review?

They never used to have

annual reviews.

How can you live

in this chaos, Mom?

Tell him to take his time

and he'll find it.

I mean, who uses a birth cert

for anything anymore anyway?

I'm gonna be late.

They're gonna make me do

a whole new application.

Then they're going to start

trying to train me to do things.

Come on, where did you put it?

- You put everything...

- He's not used to being up this early.

Come on, Mom, will you help?

I'm gonna lose me welfare!

Did you put it in a drawer?

Will you help me?!

Mom!

Des?

- No job?

- Don't tell Mom.

Don't mind her.

If she'd listened to us and sold

the house during the boom

we'd all be in the south

of France by now.

- Hiya.

- Not you too?

They cut me down to two days

at the groomers.

Don't tell Mom.

Here, go on, will ya?

- Huh?

- You're next.

Relax, I'm talking here.

Just get a move on,

ya bleedin' culchie.

I'm not a culchie.

Nan?

Nan?

Nan?

Nan!

Huh?

Eight bags, that's the lot.

Emma?

Check that this is on right.

A hundred and sixty, there,

please, Annie.

They're safe enough there, love.

Night, girls.

Jesus!

It's colder than

a Norwegian's tit.

- Oh, lovely, Colm.

- What?

Did you put your rent

in the jar?

Yes, I did.

I don't know what you

need money for, anyway.

I need you to do us a favor.

Take Nan for a day out

somewhere.

Okay?

Why?

You can't tell her.

Fine.

I'm going to clean up the house.

Does my mom know about it?

I'm going to get her to help me.

I just need to know

we have our decoy first.

- Fifty.

- Are you f***ing serious?

Take it or leave it.

Get her out early and back late.

And don't let on now.

Can I not just want

to hang out with my granny?

I've been on the dart before.

Your granddad took me

out to Bray

when they opened the line.

Nineteen eighty-four.

Anything from the last century

doesn't count.

Will I be back in time

for Joe Duffy?

I dunno. Is he coming

to the house?

On the radio.

- Two o'clock.

- We definitely won't be back.

Are you cold?

No, I'm all right.

But you're a bit cold,

aren't you?

I'm grand.

Just say you're cold.

But I'm not.

- Just say it.

- I'm freezing.

Don't worry.

I have just the thing for you.

What do you think

happens to you when you die?

I don't think anything happens.

Maybe coming back to life

as someone else,

like the president

or some famous singer.

Or a handicap

or a homeless person.

No.

Or you come back as Colm.

Aw, wreck the head.

Something better

than you are now.

No such thing.

Okay.

Me...

except... I'm younger

- and I can fly.

- Seriously.

It's not a conversation

to be taken seriously.

Reincarnation is serious.

A lot of people believe in it.

More wishful thinking.

Surprise!

It's not my birthday

until next week.

Special treat, Mom,

ahead of your birthday...

full house makeover.

What?

Everything of worth or

sentimental value has been cleaned.

Everything else has been repaired,

replaced or upgraded.

Fresh as a daisy.

New toaster, new kettle.

I cleaned the cooker.

New digital TV service...

No more crappy picture quality

and you can record on it.

It's like watching it back live.

And, drumroll please...

Whoa-aaa!

Giant basket for your wool!

Oh, look.

We put these

all around the house.

Keep the old-folk stink away.

Come on, Mom.

New table.

And you can see yourself

in the mirror now.

Where's everything gone?

Three hundred and eighty-six

true crime novels,

forty-six phone books,

twenty-two years of newspapers.

Calendars, birthday and Christmas cards,

knitting patterns.

Seven million Chinese

take-away menus.

Eight million bus tickets.

School books, first year

leaving certificate, 1954-1996.

All sorts of other junk, too.

All gone to recycling.

Come on.

Ta-dah!

New shower curtains.

Handles in the bath.

- Oof!

- Oh, here.

We cleared out some of

the old furniture in my room.

Oh, some nice

improvements in there.

In case you ever wanted

to rent it out or whatever.

You planning on moving out?

No plan, no, but just in case.

Keep your eyes closed, okay.

Annie, you get the lights.

Straight across, okay.

Don't open your eyes, Mom,

wait for the big finale.

Wait... okay.

Ta-dah!

New curtains, new carpet.

Best of all, no more

smelly old mattress.

Brand-new bed,

lkea's finest,

memory foam, orthopedic.

Best night's kip ever.

We both got one.

Where's the old one?

Oh, yeah. We cleared out all

the crap from under the bed.

You can see right through

to the other side.

Have a look!

Much better feng shui!

Where's it gone?

Mom, you don't have

to worry about it,

- that's the point.

- Where is it?

Why do you want to know?

Because all my money was in it.

Are you sure?

Yes, Colm, I'm sure.

How much?

Nearly a million.

I tell you what, Mom,

you can still nail a punch line.

Yeah, me small wit.

A million bedbugs.

A million euros.

Ah, pull the other one,

would you?

How would you get

a million euro?

Selling off the garage

at the end of the garden,

rent from the basement flat,

my inheritance,

whatever your dad didn't drink,

savings from teaching

and my pension.

Not quite a million,

but fifty year's savings

adds up.

If you did have the money, Mom,

why didn't you put it

in the bank?

Have you not been listening

to the news?

It was safe here.

You could hold it in your hands.

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