Life's a Breeze Page #3

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me dear.

I think maybe

knowing Colm as I do,

he wouldn't be this motivated

to look for something

just because his poor old Mommy

had some sentimental attachment.

I'd say you've thrown out

something of monetary value.

A ring maybe, in a drawer?

An antique?

And you're willing to pay up

to nearly that value

as long as it's still an oyster

laying there for you.

So, until you tell me

what's up there,

I can't give you

a price now, can I?

- Up where?

- Tsk, tsk, tsk!

Why don't you think

about what your price is

and we'll call you

in the morning.

Hold on a second,

he's just taking...

Shut up, Colm.

Okay?

Yeah.

Call me in the morning

and we'll work it out.

I'm going to call you

at 10:
00 in the morning, Arthur.

You better answer.

What the hell are you doing?

You totally let him off the hook.

Oh, Jesus, Colm, can you

not do anything right?

You should stay out of it.

I could have done

a deal with him.

Huh. You have

your dad's brains.

That's the best

I can say about you.

I think I'll keep the car

till the morning, will I?

I don't fancy walking home

from Annie's now.

- We're not going home.

- We're not?

Do you see that white van?

Yes, I see the white van.

I see that van in my sleep.

I'm fecking haunted

by that white van.

Follow it.

Mom, you're a genius.

How did you crack that?

After so many years,

I've gotten to know

how opportunistic chancers

like that think.

Like Colm.

Where the hell's he going?

Lovely friends you have, Colm.

This is where you go to bury a body,

not dump old furniture.

I hate Halloween.

We have him now.

The dirty, lying head

on you, Arthur.

People are going

to hear about this.

Relax, will you?

I was just worried somebody

might have overheard

us in the pub.

How would ya know where to look?

Eh, everybody dumps sh*t

along this stretch.

There were a load of gypos

made a mess of it.

It's not here.

So it's a mattress you're after?

Where's the f***ing

mattress, Arthur? It's not here.

What?

Was there something in it?

- Money?

- Where did you put it?

I threw everything out here,

yours and another load.

Definitely some mattresses in it,

but it's all been moved around.

Maybe the gypos were

rootin' through it,

or the corpo took it.

They'll be up in the morning,

we should ask them.

How much was in it?

Arthur, if you ask me that again

I'm going to punch you

in the face.

Do you believe in hell?

I do.

It's living with Colm.

That's a f***ing

bed bottom, sure.

What are you doing?

Can you even drive?

Oh, I drove your

granddad's car a few times...

on Dollymount Strand.

Take that, Colm, you dope!

Hi, Mom!

- Hi, Mom.

- Say hi, everyone.

- Hello!

- Hello!

Oh, look, there's Michael.

I don't think I've ever seen

those gloves on him before.

And here is Colm,

lifting... lifting a box!

- It's a box of wool.

- It happens to be heavy.

It's a heavy box of wool!

You're not supposed to be

lifting anything. Here.

Jesus, Colm!

Don't just feck it into the box!

You're supposed to wrap

and pack, wrap and pack.

Oh, it's a teasmade!

Oh, Jesus!

- Your side now, Des.

- Yeah.

- Easy. Easy!

- Sorry about that.

You're not directing it, you're

either helping or you're not.

- I'm helping!

- Oh, come on.

Oh, for f*** sake, seriously,

what are you doing?

Just checking me teeth.

Cleaning your teeth?

Yeah, no, I...

Yeah, I understand that,

but how many mattresses

can you get in a day?

And do you recycle?

Hi, uh, just wait a sec.

What's the area that you cover?

Mom, do you have money

for the pizzas?

- I never ordered pizzas.

- Colm did.

- Well, let Colm pay for them.

- He's on the phone, I think.

- He'll be down for you in a minute.

- Okay.

He gave me

50 percent off vouchers.

He said get one of yous

to pay for the other half.

The other half?

Cheeky bollocks.

What are yous doing?

We're just...

Planning something.

What is it, a treasure hunt?

Excuse me.

It's a family matter, okay?

Can you wait out

in the hall, please?

Yeah, okay.

Sorry.

Jesus.

Hello?

We're going to have to start

being more discreet about this.

- Shush!

- Don't shush me, Michael.

I thought

it might have been burnt,

but I went around this morning

and there's no sign

of any mattress springs

or anything,

so it's out there somewhere.

- What's he doing?

- Colm, can you...

Dublin Corporation said

they might have cleared it

to landfill,

but it's impossible to know.

So, it's a blue mattress?

Yes, Joe, cream and blue,

and we'll pay a reward

of 50,000 euro to anyone

who can help us find it.

- Colm, hang up the phone!

- Colm!

- Hang up the phone!

- Hello?

Colm, are you still with us there?

We seem to have lost Colm.

Hello, Colm? He's gone.

It was the best idea

any of us have had.

Why don't you ask someone before

you do these things, Colm?

It's all of our money in that

mattress, it's not just yours.

- Idiot.

- Don't call me an idiot.

Oh God, would you

listen to this?

Why would I give

this fella back that money

for 50 grand when

I could just keep the lot?

If it's in the tip,

it's finders keepers.

Ah, now just hang on

for two secs.

This is his elderly mother's

life savings we're talking about.

You wouldn't just keep them

for yourself, would you?

She didn't find it necessary

to spend it before now.

What's changed?

I've been out of work

for nearly two year, Joe.

I've got two kids to feed,

me wife's on disability

and I've got a gas bill

that's going through the roof.

A million euro for putting

a peg on me nose?

Yes, please.

Des says there's only six landfills

that it could be in.

So if we do one a day,

do them well,

worst case scenario is

we'll have it in a week.

It's better that

you're here, Mom.

You know what it looks like

on a subconscious level.

You'll probably see it out of

the corner of your eye.

I think you should have to

search these places by yourself

for being such a dope.

You're some cheeky little wagon,

do you know that?

I mean, where do you get off calling

me a dope at 12 years of age?

She's 13.

Don't talk to her like that.

Thirteen and she thinks

she knows everything.

God, this looks busy.

Sh*t.

Bollocks.

That mattress has my name on it.

I'm not going home

until I find that money.

There he is now. Ah.

Buy him an old pint there,

Jim, will you?

Sure didn't he

throw it all away.

Give us your autograph

on that, will you?

Around a million euro.

What?

Why didn't you

check the mattress?

Um, what if someone robbed it?

We've all been following

the story this week

of the missing mattress with

a million euros stashed in it.

People up and down the country

have been eagerly searching

their local dumps

in hope of finding

Mrs. Annie Small's loot.

Annie's been good enough

to join us

in The Late Late Show

audience tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Annie.

It's also a big week

for you birthday-wise.

What age are you going

to be tomorrow?

I'm going to be 80.

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