Life's a Breeze Page #4

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Well, the good news

you'll be delighted to hear

is that in a poll

on the R.T.E. website

ninety-one percent of people said

that if they found the mattress

they'd settle for the reward

and give the rest back.

Hey, pizza guy!

Come in, have a beer.

Don't be shy.

- Close the door.

- What's that?

Open it, Mom.

- Huh?

- It's a wool winder.

Hurry up, he's here.

Yeah, okay, I'm coming,

I'm coming.

Forty-fifth... Oh, jeez.

One, two, three, four...

You look lovely, Mom.

Well, you gave me a little bit

of notice this time.

Yeah, we didn't think you

needed any more surprises.

Where is the fire?

I hear there is

a smoking-hot lady in here

in need of a good hose.

Over here!

Oh, yeah!

Come here, Annie.

Mmm, you dirty little minx.

- Ahhh!

- Oh, Jesus.

Ahhh!

- Whoo!

- Look at.

Whoo, yeah.

Whoo whoo whoo!

Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Ahh. Ohh.

Oh, Jesus.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Mom

Happy birthday to you

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Fire safety first.

That's a lot of candles, love.

Mind your hair now. We don't want

to torch the blue rinse.

No! No, no, no, no!

Hey, come on. I don't take off

my clothes for free.

- Yeah, we need to get paid, man.

- Everybody throw in.

- I don't have anything.

- Seriously?

I made the cake.

- I bought the beer.

- I put up the decorations.

- I made you a good show?

- Yeah, you were deadly.

Don't eat any more cake, love.

You'll be sick.

Margaret, can you chip in

to pay these guys?

Yeah, of course.

- How much are you short?

- 350.

Are you serious?!

When are yous gonna grow up?

Take it out of the mattress

when we get it back.

Oh, I will, thanks, Colm, yeah.

I don't have 350.

I'll have to write you a check.

- What?

- Nan wants you.

- For what?

- The lotto.

- What day is it?

- Wednesday.

Oh, shite.

I never got a ticket.

- What's the jackpot?

- Four and a half million.

- Oh, shite.

- Nan got tickets.

- Did she?

- Yeah.

It's on now.

Oh ho ho, if you're not in,

you can't win.

I can't believe

you didn't get me one.

I always get you one.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Ella...

Sorry. Here,

you can have this one.

No, go on.

It's yours.

Well, if we win, we'll split it.

Not at all.

I had a dream we won.

Did you?

Yeah, with these numbers.

When I woke up

I wrote them out and...

Okay, ho ho, shush shush.

It's coming on.

So check those tickets carefully,

and the best of luck to all of you.

Jesus, she's gorgeous,

isn't she?

The first ball

in tonight's lotto is number 20.

- Any luck there, Mom?

- I don't think so.

- No.

- ...number 23.

No, wait.

- I got them.

- ...and we have number 14.

- Both of them?

- I have 14, too.

You got three numbers?

You got three numbers!

...followed by number one.

And one!

You got four numbers, Mom!

You got four numbers!

Oh, shush shush shush.

What did she say?

- What did she say?

- 16.

We have five numbers!

That's about a quarter

of a million!

We just need one more.

Come on, the six numbers!

And the sixth ball is number 25.

And the bonus ball is number 20.

Whoo whoo!

Mom!

Mom, you f***ing did it!

You f***ing did it!

Oh, Ella, I knew you'd have

something good for me.

Tonight's winning numbers...

Hold on, hold on.

Double check.

Double check.

Whoo! I knew!

I knew we wouldn't be poor forever!

I told you!

Are you sure you got them right?

Yeah!

I checked them twice.

- We have them all.

- What do you mean "we"?

I thought you said

the ticket was mine

and that you wouldn't split it?

Huh?

Well, if it's yours,

you're going to have to share it

with the rest of them.

It's me and you, Mommy.

The lotto's always

been me and you.

Are you sure

you got the numbers?

- Huh?

- Maybe you should watch it again.

Watch it again just to be sure.

And now let's play lotto...

It's good, isn't it?

Digital television,

just like watching it live.

You were recording it?

Oh yeah, we recorded this

ages ago.

"I knew. I knew we wouldn't

be poor forever!"

It was last week's draw,

you dummy.

So we didn't win?

We bought a ticket with numbers

from last week's draw,

just to wind you up.

All I want is to be allowed to live

with a little bit of dignity.

That's funny, is it?

To want socks

with no holes in them,

money to get a little car,

and not to have to live

with my mother all my life

with everyone laughing at me.

Yous are a shower of bastards.

And coming up after the break,

cash-strapped locals in Kildare

find the missing mattress

everyone's been looking for,

and how Waterford hurlers

are preparing for Sunday's...

They found it.

They found it in Kildare!

You stupid.

The infamous mattress containing

the missing life savings

of 79-year-old retired

schoolteacher Annie Small

was discovered here at the Ballybeg

waste processing center

outside of Celbridge.

Local man Graham Gaffney

was surprised to find

the sum of money

hidden inside the mattress was not

quite as substantial as many

had been led to believe.

Graham, what exactly

did you find?

When I saw the first few notes

I knew straightaway

that was it.

And, uh...

I was dancing, Joe.

And two of the other lads

helped me drag it down

into the yard.

I offered them 10 grand each

for their trouble like, you know?

And we cut it up and...

let me put it to you this way:

There wasn't 20 grand there

for the lads like, far from it.

How much did you get, Graham?

670 euros,

mostly in fivers.

And are you

disappointed, Graham?

Well, I did see her on The Late

Late Show with me own eyes

and she did say a million,

so I felt a bit cheated,

to be honest with you.

But 670 euros

are not bad for a day's work

in the tip.

Better than a slap in the face

with a wet fish.

There was at least 900,000 euros

In that mattress.

Aw, for God's sake.

Give it up, will you?

- I know what I had.

- You saved up 600 quid.

And you know what?

Well done.

- That's more than I ever saved.

- I know what I had.

You don't remember things

perfectly anymore.

That's life.

Nobody's angry at you.

Why should anybody

be angry at me?

You're the feckin' idiot

who threw all my stuff out!

Aw, Jesus. Turn it on me,

why don't you?

Do you understand you've had us

all on a wild goose chase?

The whole country.

Don't you say

one more word to me, Colm.

It's on the radio too.

You get to an age

where all you want to believe

is the world still cares about you.

Tell me if I'm wrong, Adrian.

And didn't she hit the jackpot with

this one, the attention she got?

I mean the lunacy.

Fifteen hundred people

in one dump alone

crawling over rats, looking

for a piss-stained mattress

on the word of some mad old one

for 600 euro?

This country is bollocksed.

I can't believe

they put it in the main news.

Everybody knows that was us.

I always said this family

would be famous.

Yeah, fools for life.

Are you all right?

There weren't any stains

on that mattress.

Come back downstairs.

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