Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - PRESENT

This whole scene is shot using only extreme close-ups of eyes, cards,

tapping fingers and mouths. We open on a bright pair of eyes. One is

bruised and slightly swollen, but this does not detract from their

clarity.

EDDY:

Three card brag is a simple form of poker; you are dealt only three

cards and these you can't change. If you don't look at your cards

you're a `blind man' and you only put in half the stake. Three of any

kind is the highest you can get: the odds are four hundred and twenty-

five to one. Then it's a running flush - you know, all the same suit

running in order; then a straight, then a flush, then a pair, and

finally whatever the highest card you are holding. There are some tell-

tale signs that are valuable; I am not going to tell you them because

it took me long enough to learn them, but these can only help a player,

not make one. So you want to play?

DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE FIRST OF THE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

FADE IN:

What have you got?

We cut to a beady pair of eyes and then to his cards as they are turned

over:
three hearts of no consecutive numbers are exposed. That's a good

hand. A flush beats my pair. What about you?

* Cut from completed film.

Another pair of excited eyes widen to the question. We see more cards:

a run is revealed.

And here's me trying to explain the game to you. Hustlers, you're all

hustlers!

We cut to a shot of a small amount of money being scooped up. OK! You

got some real money?

DISSOLVE TO BLACK: MORE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

FADE IN:

Ed scoops up a large pile of money.

Odds chaps, you gotta remember the odds.

There ? a loud slam of a door. We cut to a wide shot of a policeman

who has just entered. It is then revealed that two of the three players

are also policemen. They stand to attention, red faced with

embarrassment.

SERG:

I hope I am not interrupting. Comfortable, Edward?

EDDY:

I haven't slept for forty-eight hours, got a dozen broken ribs, can

feel a case of the flu coming on and . . .

SERG:

(interrupts)

All right, all right, don't think I wouldn't like to get rid of you;

but before I do, I need to know what's going on, son.

EDDY:

If you think you're in the dark, I am in a black hole, blindfolded.

DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE MUSIC STARTS.

We pull back out of the black to reveal that we have been sitting in

the inside of a shotgun. The barrels recede further, then `boom.' LOCK

STOCK are shot out of the top of the screen in peppered letters. We

wait for a while, as the barrels reappear through. the smoke. We then

see one smoking barrel; 'boom!' the other is let off: AND TWO SMOKING

BARRELS joins the sentence.]

EXT. STREET (FLASHBACK] - DAY

We open on a smart, casually dressed man selling perfume and jewellery

on a street corner. A crowd has gathered, attracted by the alarming

volume at which he is advertising his wares.

BACON:

See these goods, they never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite, Fanny-

by-the-gas-light. If you can't see value here today you're not up here

shopping, you're up here shoplifting. Take a bag, take a bag. I took a

bag, I took a bag home last night and she cost a lot more than ten

pounds I can tell ya. Tell me if I am going too cheap. Not ninety, not

eighty, not forty, half that and half that again, that's right, ten

pounds. Don't think 'cos it's sealed up it's an empty box. The only man

who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you

here today I would make more money with me measuring tape.

A well-dressed, zealous character (Eddy) appears from behind the crowd

waving money. It seems he can't wait to get rid of it.

EDDY:

Bargain, that's a bloody bargain if I ever heard one. Ten pounds you

say? I'll have five.

Certainly sir. I'll just wrap.

Changing his attention.

BACON:

Excuse me misses, sorry sir, ladies first and all that.

A tourist spectator, rather than a buyer, has been. put on the spot.

She fumbles through her bag hastily all too aware of the attention of

the crowd, of which she is now the focus. She passes her money like

it's contaminated. Others follow suit.

Buy 'em, you better buy 'em; they're not stolen, they just never been

paid for.

This really stokes the fire. The money can't come fast enough. Just as

business reaches its peak there is a call of alarm from the first

enthusiastic punter, who seems to be rather more familiar than he first

pretended.

EDDY:

Bacon!

Bacon's expression changes dramatically. A series of crash zooms

between Ed's, Bacon's and a third party's eyes (the police) reveal

there is a problem. They're off: EDDY and BACON run like they have done

this before. They go down an ally; Ed jumps some stairs, we freeze.

BACON:

(voice-over)

Ed can run fast, talk fast, eat fast, and play cards fast, but he's

f***ing slow when it comes to spotting the roz.

EDDY:

(voice-over)

The reason he is called BACON is he spent so much of his youth in the

police station that people thought he was one of them. But he is a big

boy now and it is time to move on.

We cut to a shot of Ed as he lands. He has made good distance.

INT. GROCER'S SHOP - MORNING

EDDY arrives at a grocer's shop. We meet Tom. Tom is talking to Nick

the Greek.

TOM:

What are you talking about? I am bloody skinny, pal.

NICK:

Of course you are. All right, Ed.

EDDY:

Nick the Greek, always a pleasure. All right Tom, what you been eating?

Tom examines his midriff and adopts a confused expression.

TOM:

Please, both join me in my orifice.

INT. GROCER'S SHOP STORE ROOM - DAY

They work their way past a maze of boxes.

NICK:

(fingering and admiring one of the boxes)

How much did you say it was, Tom?

TOM:

You know how much it is, Nick.

NICK:

And that does include the amp?

TOM:

You know it doesn't include the amp.

INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN -AFTERNOON

Tom and Ed make their way through a busy, well-equipped kitchen. This

is obviously a smart and serious establishment. They stop in front of

the man whose uniform is covered in blood; he appears to be the head

chef. Meet Soap.

TOM:

What have you come as?

SOAP:

Cupid stupid! That's the last time I am getting any more fruit off you

Tom. Call that fresh? There was more small hairy armoured things in

your fruit than there was fruit. You should open a butcher's, not a

grocer's.

TOM:

If you will order stuff that comes from Kat-Man-F***ing-Du don't be

surprised if your fruit picks up a few tourists en route. ~ Never mind

that, what about the money?

SOAP:

Get your fingers out of my soup!

SLOW MOTION:

Soap pulls out a bag from under where he is sitting.

TOM:

(voice-over)

Soap is called Soap because he likes to keep his hands clean of any

unlawful behaviour. He is proud of his job, and even more proud that

it's legal.

BACON:

(voice-over)

He's a stroppy sod but he's got more balls than a golfer, only he

doesn't know it. ' * Cut from completed film.

16

RELEASE SLOW MOTION]

Ed looks in bag.

EDDY:

Are you sure you can afford twenty-five?

SOAP:

Well that depends on how you look at it. I can afford it as long as I

see it again, if that's what you mean. You got the rest from the fat

man and Bacon?

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