Long Day's Journey Into Night Page #8

What else can I believe?

Nothing. I don't blame you.

How can you believe me when I can't believe myself?

I've become such a liar.

I never lied about anything once upon a time. Now I have to lie, especially to myself.

But how can you understand when I can't understand myself?

I've never understood anything about it, except.

That one day long ago I found I could no longer call my soul my own.

But someday dear... I'll find it again.

Someday when you're all well.

And I see you healthy and happy and sucessful.

And I don't have to feel guilty anymore.

Someday... when the blessed virgin Mary forgives me.

And gives me back the faith in her love and pity I used to have in my convent days.

And I can pray to her again.

When she sees... no one can believe in me, even for a moment, anymore...

then she will believe in me... and with her help it will be so easy.

I will hear myself scream with agony and yet at the same

time I will laugh because I will be so sure of myself.

Well... but of course you can't... believe that either can...

Now I... now I think of it

you might as well... go uptown.

I forgot. I'm taking a drive.

I have to go to the drugstore and you'd hardly want to go there with me would you?

You'd be so ashamed.

- Mama don't...

- I suppose you'll divide that $10 your father gave you with Jamie.

You always divide with each other don't you?

Like good sports.

Well... I know what he'll do with his share. He'll get drunk somewhere

where he can be with the only kind of woman he understands or likes.

Edmund... promise me you won't drink.

- It's so dangerous. You know doctor Hardy...

- I thought he was an old idiot...

Edmund...

Come on kid, let's beat it!

Go on Edmund.

Jamie's calling.

- There comes your father down the stairs too.

- Come on! Edmund.

- Goodbye Mary.

- Goodbye Edmund, if you're coming home to dinner try not to be late.

Tell your father. You know how Bridget is.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye Mama.

So lonely here.

You're lying to yourself again.

You wanted to get rid of them.

Their contempt and disgust aren't pleasant company.

You're glad they've gone.

Then mother of God...

why do I feel so lonely?

That foghorn...

isn't it awful?

Yes indeed ma'am.

Wasn't the fog I minded, I really love fog.

- They say it's good for the complexion.

- It hides you from the world and the world from you.

You feel everything has changed, nothing is what it seemed to be.

No one can find or touch you

anymore.

I was scared out of my wits riding back from town.

You couldn't see your hand in front of you.

It's the foghorn I hate.

It won't let you alone.

It keeps reminding you... calling you back.

But it can't tonight, it's just an ugly sound.

It's...

It doesn't remind me of anything, except perhaps Mr. Tyrone's snores.

I've had such fun teasing him about it.

He's always snored... ever since I can remember, especially when he's had too much to drink.

And then he's like a child, he doesn't like to admit it.

Well... I suppose I snore at times too and I don't like to admit it.

- So I've no right to make fun of him, have I?

- Sure everybody healthy snores, it's a sign of sanity they say.

What time is it ma'am?

I ought to be getting back into the kitchen.

No, don't go Cathleen.

I don't want to be alone...

- ...yet.

- It won't be for long.

The master and the boys will be home soon.

I doubt if they'll come home for dinner.

They have too good an excuse... to remain in the barrooms...

where they feel at home.

- Have a drink yourself, Cathleen, if you wish.

- Well... I don't know if I'd better ma'am.

Well... maybe one won't harm.

Here's to your good health ma'am.

I really did have good health once Cathleen

but that was long ago.

For God's sake ma'am... it'll be half water.

He'll know by the taste.

By the time he gets home he'll be too drunk to tell the difference,

he has such a good an excuse, he believes, to drown his sorrows.

- Well... it's a good man's failing... never mind his weakeness.

- I don't mind, I've loved him dearly for thirty-six years.

That's right ma'am, love him dearly for any fool

can tell he worships the ground you walk on.

Speaking of acting ma'am...

how is it you never went on the stage?

What... I?

What put that absurd idea in your head?

I was brought up in a respectable home

and educated in the best convent in the middle-west before I met Mr. Tyrone.

I hardly knew there was such a thing as the theater.

I was a very pious girl.

I even dreamed of becoming a nun.

I never had the slighest desire to be an actress.

I'd never think of you being a holy nun ma'am.

- Sure to God you'd never darken the door of a church God forgive me.

- Well... I never felt at home in the theater.

Even though Mr. Tyrone has made me go with him on all his tours.

I've had... little to do with the people in his company.

Not that I had anything against them, they were always

very kind to to me and I to them but... their life was not my life.

It's always stood between me and...

and...

But let's not talk about old things that could not be helped.

How thick the fog is.

I... I can't see the road.

All the people in the world could pass by...

and I would never know.

I wish it was always that way.

It's getting dark already.

It'll soon be night.

Thank goodness.

It was kind of you to keep me company this afternoon Cathleen.

I should have been lonely driving up... driving uptown alone.

Sure. Why wouldn't I rather ride in a fine automobile than stay here?

It's like a vacation ma'am.

- There's only one thing I didn't like.

- What was that Cathleen.

The way the man in the drugstore acted when I took in the prescription for you.

The appearance of him.

I d... I don't know what you're talking about.

What drugstore? What prescrip...

Oh yes...

Of course, I'd forgotten.

The medicine for the... rheumathism...

in my hands.

What did the man say?

- Not that it matter so long as he filled the prescription.

- Oh it mattered to me ma'am. I'm not used to being treated like a thief.

He gave me a long look and said insultingly "where did you get hold of this?".

"Well" I says "it's none of your damn business" but if you must know

it's for the lady I work for, Mrs. Tyrone who's siting out there in the automobile.

That shut him up quick. He gave a long look out

and said "Ohh" and went to get the medicine.

Yes... he... knows me.

I... have to take it

because there... there is no other that can...

stop the pain.

All the pain.

I mean in my hands.

Poor hands.

You'll never believe it but they... they were once one of my good points

along with my hair... and eyes.

I had a fine figure too.

They were a musician's hands.

I used to love the piano.

I worked so hard at my music at the convent.

Mother Elizabeth and my music teacher both said

I had more talent than any student they remembered.

My father payed for special lessons.

He spoiled me. He would've sent me to Europe to study after I'd graduated from the convent.

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