Long Time Dead

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We were just three guys

sitting on a couch

getting very, very f***ed up, that's all.

Very, very f***ed up indeed.

Mm. Thank you.

Hm!

- What you doin'?

- We are going out.

Rob, your hair's fine, mate.

- Look at him. He's worse than Stella.

- I've got a feeling I'm gonna pull tonight.

- I've a feeling you're gonna find a hot girl.

- Yeah.

- And you're gonna come back here.

- Yeah.

And you're gonna jack off in a sock.

It's all right for you.

You've got a bird, and a very nice one.

Not for long.

Oh, you bastards.

Where did you get that?

Evening.

- Where have you been?

- College. All day.

- All day!

- What, did you get locked in?

- At least some of us went.

- A first time for everything.

I don't know how you

get away with it, Stella.

- Must be my sweet smile.

- Must be your sweet arse.

- Rob, you've got sex on the brain.

- Oh.

It's such a shame. My auntie used to say

you had the face of a choirboy.

Now, she had a nice arse.

- Liam, no! Look, don't!

- "My hair!"

Get off, Liam.

I just made my hair up. Get off!

All right, you guys. Come on, let's go.

- Just cos you've got stupid hair.

- What?

- I'll see you at the club.

- OK. See you later.

Come on, Stella.

- Stella, it's Lucy.

- All right?

- You comin' or what?

- OK, OK, yes.

- Well, hurry up.

- See you in half an hour. Bye.

- Oi!

- Sh*t!

- Who the f*** are you?

- Uh, uh, I'm Joe.

Your new housemate.

You know, a friend of Rob's?

- You scared the sh*t out of me.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm a scary sort of guy.

You must be Stella, yeah?

Yeah. How d'you know?

Well, you, um... fit Rob's description.

- It's nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, too.

Oh, my God...

You coming to this party?

- You got everything?

- Yeah.

Listen, I've got some naughty little pills.

You gonna be a naughty little girl?

Always am.

Who's this, then?

Joe, this is Mr Becker. Our landlord.

All right?

- Joe's gonna be moving in.

- Who's moving out?

Conrad. Thank God.

You should let me know these things.

I don't want people just disappearing.

Yeah, sorry.

I got a problem with the wiring.

- I may need to go into your rooms.

- Why?

It's all right, Stella. I won't read

your diaries. Just in and out.

Yeah, sure.

Nice to meet you, mate. See ya later.

Seems like a really nice guy.

- He's a freak.

- I was joking.

You took your time gettin' here.

Right now?

Right now.

Look after that a minute, mate.

On the house. Call it a moving-in present.

It's nice to have you in.

- Ooh, you're looking flush, darling.

- Yeah.

I've been dancing.

Is that why you've got

your T-shirt inside out?

The thrill is in the risk.

If a girl thinks someone'll walk in,

she'll come quicker.

- Exactly.

- Or fake it quicker, in your case.

You should listen.

You might learn something.

- I had a wicked shag in the girls' toilets.

- Right, yeah When?

It was ages ago.

Who?

I can't remember now.

There's been so many birds.

I was in this club in Amsterdam

a few years ago.

Got pulled up on stage. Had to shag

this girl in front of about 100 people.

Nearly all blokes.

- F*** it. I'll try anything once.

- Yeah?

Ever done a railway line?

Last to do a line of cocaine before the

choo-choo comes has the biggest balls.

- Chop 'em up, Spence.

- This is stupid! This is really dumb!

Quickly. The train's coming.

Hurry up, man. Hurry up!

Wait a minute. The train's miles off.

Snort that up, you tight git.

She was givin' it the booty call!

Not as much as you were.

Who, me?!

Sit next to your boyfriend.

What have you lot been doin'?

Oh, sorry, mate. We were trying to

work out what gives the biggest buzz.

Oh, yeah? And?

And... it has to be...

sex with someone you really love, man.

- That's a weird thought.

- So, come on, mate. What is it?

- What's what?

- "What's what?" The biggest buzz?

- I thought you were the expert.

- Yeah, so did I, mate, till I met you.

Well, the weirdest buzz I ever had

was when I did a Ouija board.

A what?

I spend all this time making him

more spiritual and he says it's a buzz!

- You serious? A Ouija board?

- Yeah.

- You believe in that sh*t?

- All what sh*t?

Spirits and sh*t?

You wait till you see that glass

slide across the table, my friend.

Like I say, it's a buzz.

Let's do it then.

Well, well, well.

Looks like we got 'em hooked, Luce.

What d'you say we give it a go?

- What now?

- Yeah.

You're not supposed to do it

when you're under the influence.

No, forget it. There's no way I'm doin'

a Ouija board here, so you can get off me!

Wake up, dead dudes. Here we come!

Ouija boards! It's bollocks. I thought

we were supposed to be having a party.

Come on, man. If you don't believe in it,

what's there to be afraid of, eh?

- Here.

- She's f***in' nuts, man.

- Liam, you're usually up for anything.

- All right.

- Liam, I won't let anything bad happen.

- More paper.

Maybe we'll get proof.

Here's a glass.

- A.

- OK, that's A.

- B...

- Hey, look and learn, you.

Pass them round for me.

Right, let's start with

next week's lottery numbers.

Or we could call up a dead babe.

Marilyn Monroe.

You'd end up with Marilyn Manson!

Come on. We need to

take this seriously, yeah?

All right, here's the rules.

Each one of us will put

our right index finger on the glass.

Don't push, don't pull, just rest it on top.

And try and concentrate on the questions

being asked and nothing else, OK?

But, most importantly, don't take

your finger off the glass until I say so.

Why?

We'll be slamming the door shut

before the spirit can return to his world.

You know what?

- What?

- It's nearly midnight.

So?

That's when the lines are open

to the real bad f***ers.

Rob!

We won't contact bad spirits?

- What if we did?

- I'm only joking, Stella.

- Just don't say it halfway through.

- Yeah, cos it's not funny, Rob.

- No, Rob.

- You're freaking the girls out.

- All right.

- Sh, sh. Hey, listen.

If we're gonna do this,

we've gotta concentrate.

Thanks, darling. And anyway,

you don't call people up.

You speak to whoever's on

the other side waiting. They choose us.

- They choose us?

- If anyone's frightened, say so now.

Yeah?

Yeah.

If anyone is there who wishes

to contact us, we want to hear you.

If you have a message, use us. Use us.

- It's Mystic Meg!

- Cheers, Rob.

Sorry. Lucy, carry on.

Is that it?

- You're pushing it.

- No, I'm not.

- What is that?

- The ghost of someone who can't spell.

- Ai-ban-an-ar?

- It wants a banana.

Sh.

Keep quiet. Sometimes

it takes time for them to focus.

Just wait.

- Someone ask it something.

- Ask if it can tell the future.

- It's hot. The glass is hot.

- It's friction. It's just friction.

- "All. " It's "all".

- D.

- I.

- I'm lost.

- "All die"?

- Why does it say "all die"?

- "All die. "

- We shouldn't be doing this.

- It's not me.

- Whoever's doing this, stop it.

Who are you? Who are you?!

D- J-I-N-N.

D- J-I-N-N.

Djinn?

No!

Argh!

No!

No, don't!

Liam, what are you doing?!

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