Look Who's Talking Too Page #3

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with this potty business.

We have to,

because the Toilet Man says so.

Who?

Mr. Toilet Man eats

your doo doo and your pee pee.

So I say, give it to him.

Eat your doo doo and pee pee?

Who said that?!

- My mother. You calling her a liar?

- No.

She told me that

diapers are for babies.

But eat your doo doo and your pee pee?

The thought is too hideous!

- Oh, yeah?

- Tell you what.

Let's take my sister for a walk.

All right.

Quick, while the moms aren't looking.

Let's take her to the zoo

and leave her there.

He would have a friend.

She won't like the lions.

And they're both schmucks.

- Mommy! Mommy!

- Wait, wait.

Uh-oh. Busted.

- Oh, honey, you okay?

- Yeah, she's fine.

Don't take your sister away.

Mommy's heart jumped into her throat.

Do you have to be so graphic?

I was taking her for a walk.

I thought she'd have a good time.

I'm sorry.

Are you okay, sweetheart?

Here, let me give you a present.

Here. What's this?

- Oh, my God.

- What is it?

Well, it's hospital garbage.

They make crack pipes out of these.

- Let me see your hands.

- My hands are okay, Ma.

- Don't.

- Give Mommy your hands.

No, please. They're okay.

They're clean.

That is it.

I have had it with this park!

Sorry. She didn't mean

to throw that on you.

Mikey, time to go to bed.

I told him he could watch a video.

He needs to go to bed.

But I promised

he could finish watching the video.

He can finish it tomorrow.

He's tired.

- Don't undermine me.

- You don't undermine me!

- Let's take it outside.

- Okay.

Because she's a baby

I have to go to bed early.

What're you looking at?

If I say Mikey can do something

and you say he can't...

...then you cut my nuts off.

How can I be a good dad?

You're the man

so you make the decisions?

I don't get to make all the decisions

because I'm the man!

Look, if I promise him something,

don't make me look like an a**hole.

- You're doing a good job yourself!

- Keep it down out there, please?

I am his mother.

I see my tired baby sitting there,

and I know he's got to get up early.

- For what?

- Because I'm taking him to baby gym.

Oh, no. Not baby gym.

- He needs to socialize with kids.

- Go to the park.

I'm not taking him

to the park anymore!

You know what he did?

He picked up a crack pipe.

- Throw it out.

- He could get diseases from that!

You're so scared! You're gonna

bring him up to be a real crybaby.

I am going to baby gym.

I don't see why you care anyway.

- What's that mean?

- What do you mean, what's it mean?

It means that it's your money

so I'm not supposed to care.

- I didn't say that.

- It's what you think.

You earn more money

so you can make the decisions...

...and I'm out of here.

- I do not!

I have never, ever

brought up money before!

Why does everything

have to be your way?

It doesn't!

- Shut up!

- Shut up, you!

Let's take stock here.

My brother is 27 pounds of stupid.

My parents are okay separately

but as a couple, they stink.

Why don't you just put me

in a f***ing dress, okay?

I guess you're my only friend, Herbie.

Intellectually it takes at least

three dates to know somebody.

But emotionally, I'll just look at the

way he'll eat something disgusting.

Like chili dogs.

This voice inside me says you can't

spend the next 60 years with him.

- You're planning on living a long time.

- You know what I mean.

You and James have been

together forever.

Yeah, a year and a half.

For a non-obsessive relationship,

that's pretty good.

- You know what I hate?

- What?

I hate the way James is always

telling me how to take care of Mikey.

I carried the kid for nine months.

I went through labour and the pain.

I know what I'm doing. I should

be lord and emperor of that child.

I think maybe he just

gets frustrated, you know?

Because he doesn't have a job

that he loves. Like we do.

We're really lucky.

- I don't know what to do.

- I don't know what to say.

You know what you have to do? You

have to take control of the situation.

You can't wait for this schmendrick

to get his act together.

He is not a schmendrick.

He is a good father.

For your information,

he works real hard.

That's the trouble.

He works his ass off for nothing.

Now Daddy has an account

with Corporate Pilots.

They earn between 30

and 50,000 dollars a year.

I wish James could get

a job like that.

I'm way ahead of you.

We already asked.

James has to call Freddie.

Tell him how many hours, what planes.

No. Ma, you know, if James

had a job that he really loved...

...and he could make money,

that would be great for us.

And you have Daddy to thank.

- Six. Six.

- A dollar.

Six dollar. Yeah. Seven?

A card's a card.

Why do you have to name them all?

What kind of equipment do they fly?

I don't know. You'll find out.

At least with my job I can fly

different types of aeroplanes.

Jimmy, what does it matter?

A jet's a jet.

Well, you don't love flying,

so it wouldn't matter to you.

This isn't about what aeroplanes

they have to fly. What is it?

You want to know what it is?

It's your mother, okay?

- They're controlling your life.

- They do not control my life.

Why are you and your brother

accountants?

Because we dearly love it.

Oh, come on!

You dearly love being accountants?

I do. It deals with my favourite

things, numbers and people.

And they check our tax return every

year just to make me look stupid.

That isn't true!

You said it was okay.

Maybe it's not.

Look, don't take the job.

I don't care.

Fine. I won't.

Oh, honey. I'm sorry.

Oh, sweetheart.

- I was just trying to help.

- I know you were helping me.

I thought that if you did something

you loved, you'd be happier.

I shouldn't have said anything.

My mom and dad were trying to help

so they talked to their friends.

- Now you hate them.

- I don't hate them.

I have always been really

nice to your mother.

Honey, look, I'll call Freddie

tomorrow, okay?

Don't call him just

because I'm bawling.

I'll find out what it's all about,

and I won't promise you anything.

It won't be because you're crying.

Okay. All right, give me a kiss.

Who the hell is that?

Who is it? Damn it.

It must be some kind of nut!

Here, let me open it. What?

- Do you know who I hate?

- Stuart!

How you doing? You're back!

This is my brother. This is James.

I hate these Orientals! They're

buying up this country. You know why?

- He's the accountant for Mitsubishi.

- Not anymore.

Americans have turned themselves

into fat-assed lazy slobs...

...who'd rather sell their toes

than get up and walk a block.

- Could I stay here for a while?

- As long as you want.

I'll make up the couch! Yes!

Oh, what a dilemma.

Do I stay or do I pee?

What if Eddie said was true?

Mr. Toilet Man eating your pee pee?

Oh, well, I guess

I really don't believe that.

But then, on the other hand,

what if there is a Mr. Toilet Man?

Well, I think I better just turn

the light on just to make sure.

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