Lottery Ticket

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On this hot and steamy

fourth of July weekend...

...independence is all about the money.

Every grocery store, liquor store,

gas station and corner market...

...has long lines out its doors...

...as people wait to purchase their

Mondo Millions lottery tickets.

Tonight's jackpot:

a record $370 million...

...has infected this city

with lottery fever.

We asked local residents

what they'd do with all that money.

l would give half the money to charity.

l would get drunk as hell.

l'd probably feed the whole world.

Enjoy life, you know.

l'd put it in my pocket.

l'm gonna go ski diving.

Hello, hello, hello. This is Mutt.

l quit.

What would you buy for yourself?

An all-white Versace suit.

Would you break up with your girlfriend?

Yeah.

l'd do the same thing l'm doing now.

-You wouldn't change a thing?

-Uh-uh.

-l'm sorry, Mom. l wanna shop.

-l'd quit selling fruit.

So would you split the money fifty-fifty?

-Yes.

-l would change everything.

Probably a mail-order bride.

-l would paint for the rest of my life.

-l would lose my mind.

Have more fun.

''Oh, my gosh! l won! Yay!''

Okay.

Damn.

ls that a home-cooked meal?

Yo! Miss Carson!

lf you don't come in here

like you got sense...

...l'm gonna knock some into you.

My bad, Miss Carson. l didn't mean

to slam that door like that.

ls Kevin ready yet?

He's in his room.

All right. Cool.

You looking exceptionally well today.

What you been using,

cocoa butter and Jesus?

l forgot to tell you,

there's a dude that live down the street...

...he was almost in

The Temptations.

You should holler at him. l'm telling you,

you're single, sexy and saved.

Get out my face, boy.

Think about it.

l'm gonna take this to Kevin.

Now, who got more swag than me?

Nobody.

You ain't got no swag.

-Man, look at you.

-This is so good.

Why you always come over,

eating all my food?

Why you so stingy?

Be nice. Come on, l'm your best friend.

You need to eat, man.

Gotta buff up a little bit.

Don't put it on my bed, man.

Oh, my God, Kev.

-Ooh. So many smuts outside.

-What you talking about, ''smuts''?

Dip-offs, scrapes, women.

And they're wearing booty shorts

up to here, looking bad.

That's why l gotta look fly.

Which brings me to my next point.

Let me rock these.

-Hell, no.

-Why not?

l can't look like this?

It's 10,000 degrees outside.

Look at me, man. Look how l look.

l look like a homeless thug.

-No. No. No.

-Fly.

All right, l see how it is.

l'm telling your grandmama you stingy.

-Grown man - Man, be quiet.

Miss Carson!

Thanks for breakfast, Miss Carson.

Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

Hey, get out the way.

All right, Grandmama.

l love you. l'm out.

You're not gonna eat your breakfast?

No, because l'm gonna be late

for work.

Oh, but you have time

to iron your shoestrings?

l hope the little girls

you trying to impress is worth it.

''Little girls''?

Don't worry, Kevin ain't getting no pu

Ahem.

-l mean, Kevin doesn't have a girlfriend.

He doesn't let these Jezebels

get near him.

You know the one l'd like

to see you with, huh?

Here we go.

Stacie.

Oh, she's a bright girl

and she goes to church.

Grandma, look, we are just friends,

all right? That's it.

Friends.

-All right, dear.

That would be nasty.

Suit yourself.

Now, wait a minute, here.

l want you to play my number for me

on the way home, okay?

And don't let nobody copy them

either. All right?

-l won't.

-Those are my numbers.

l dreamt them up last night.

They're out of the Holy Scripture.

Okay.

You know something? Last night l dreamt

that l was waiting on the number 11 bus.

You'll never guess who was driving

when the bus pulled up.

-Who?

-Jesus.

And l said, ''Jesus, what are

you doing driving this bus?''

-You know what he said to me?

-No, ma'am.

He said, ''Child, it's a recession.

Times is hard.''

-That's what he said.

-You didn't ask me...

...but how did Jesus get a license

without a birth certificate?

-lt makes no sense.

-Out. Go.

Gotta think about that.

Man, get your ass

Ah.

-Sorry, Grandma.

-Mm-hm.

-l love you, though. Heh, heh.

-Ha, ha.

Bye, baby.

-Tell your girlfriend, get her panties from me.

-l'm talking about Ashley.

-Smell that.

-Nigga, that's Shaniqua.

Ben-Ben. Ben-Ben.

-Hey, hey, hey.

-Damn.

What's up? Y'all ain't speaking?

What's up, Semaj? How you doing?

-What y'all up to?

Going to work.

Going to work.

Going to the court, you know?

Sell some knickknack paddywhacks.

Give a dog a bone.

Why you so fidgety?

You gotta pee-pee or something?

-Huh?

-You gotta pee?

Huh? The bathroom right inside.

l'm just excited about going to work.

-l'm really trying to go to work.

Let's leave.

-Work?

-All right, Semaj.

Hey, yo, you heard

about that girl Ebony?

Up in Building 6?

-That big-booty chick, right?

-Yeah, big booty.

-That one. Okay. Yeah.

-Oh. Big booty. Big booty. All right.

-She bought 50 lottery tickets.

-Fifty?

-Fifty?

-Fifty!

Damn, are they on sale?

-l need to work where she works.

Hey, hold up.

Listen to what l'm trying to say.

Now, you all could do yourself a favor,

stay up off that court.

Because your boy Lorenzo Mack,

he done got out of jail.

-He got out?

-l seen him and his boys on that court.

Maybe y'all ought not

be hanging out there.

-Semaj, it's 9:
00 in the morning.

Yeah.

How in the hell do you get this gossip?

First of all, it's not gossip.

-lt's information.

All right.

Give me a haircut

when you get a chance.

You ought to get it cut right about now.

Kind of nappy in the back.

Damn. Let me go to work

with you today.

-You ain't going.

-Hell, no.

Hey, young blood.

Yo.

Yo, l need some beef jerky...

...and a Cherry Coke.

Yeah, that's it?

l guess so.

Man.

What's up? What?

Why you gotta talk to old dude?

You know he's crazy.

There ain't nothing wrong with

Mr. Washington.

He's a lunatic, Kevin.

He been in that apartment

before my mom was born.

He still got slave dust on him, dude.

l'm telling you, man. l think

Mr. Washington a serial killer, for real.

He eats beef jerky?

Who the hell eats beef jerky, Kevin?

Telling you, he on some mass-destruction,

Osama bin Laden-type stuff. Seriously.

You need to stop treating people

like that.

You always do that.

Since we was little, you be doing that.

l'm not making ''rest in peace'' shirts.

-You ain't that creative.

-Don't call me collect from heaven.

Now that, b*tches,

is what you call a sports car, man.

Man, check this thing out, man.

Yours for the low, low price of...

...oof, 1.4 mil!

So that's what you would get? A car?

Hell, yeah. l'd get a car

with that kind of money.

-You simple son of a b*tch. Ha, ha.

-Ha, ha, ha.

l'm simple, but he don't know

how to put lotion on.

But l'm simple, though?

Hey, get your ashy ass up out here, man.

lf l won the lottery? If l won?

Boy, l'd get my ass

one of them helicopters.

-l'd be flying in one of them choppers.

-What, a helicopter? What the hell?

l hope Semaj was lying

about letting Lorenzo out.

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