Love, Rosie

Take a deep breath and

start at the beginning.

Tell them how we first met.

Hi. Hi.

Tell them that

ever since we shared our dreams...

Yeah! Yeah!

I had a dream last night.

Even Alex's weirdest ones.

You know a rowing boat?

That little curvy bit the oar sits in?

It's called a rollock

by the way. A what?

Rollock, like "bollock" with an "R."

That was me. I was that thing.

No. Keep that as our secret.

Rosie? Rosie, it's time.

Tell them that this is,

that this has to be...

Everybody!

One of the happiest days of my life.

Please!

For those I haven't had the

chance to say hi to properly,

I'm Rosie.

And this has got to be

one of the happiest days of my life.

Shots!

Yeah! Beyonce!

Yeah!

Whoa!

- Hi, Alex.

- How's it going, mate?

All right.

It's Alex!

It was totally my

fault, the whole thing.

Oh, I'd love to believe

you, Alex, I really would.

I just happen to know my own daughter.

A fine doctor you're gonna make

if this is how you carry on.

Why is everybody shouting?

I'm so embarrassed about last night.

No, no, you don't have to be.

Ugh, I behaved so badly!

Yeah, but bad can be good, too.

Good? It was awful. Oh, I feel

sick even thinking about it.

About which part?

All of it. It never happened.

Alex, okay? You can't tell anyone!

Right.

Go, go, go!

How did we get home from the hospital?

Uh, Mom picked us up.

They needed a parent's name,

so, I obviously didn't

want to give yours.

And she thinks it's my fault anyway,

I'm a terrible influence.

Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, well, you are.

So, now, I have to spend two hours

in the library every

day for a fortnight.

Nightmare. Well, it could be worse.

Bethany Williams has just

got a part time job there.

Yeah, right.

What?

Bethany Williams? Mmm.

Forget it, even I

want to sleep with her.

For your information, she

has been giving me the eye.

Why you haven't squeezed

that zit on your forehead.

F*** off! No. Come here.

I can do it for you.

Don't touch me! Don't you dare!

Ow!

Just look at Greg

right now. What a bimbo.

He invited me to the school dance.

Uh, what did you say?

No, obviously. I'm going with you.

Hey, Alex.

I missed you in the library today.

Yeah, uh, I had nothing...

Uh, I mean, yeah. I was

a bit... A bit of busy...

Don't be a stranger. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely not.

I'll see you there.

- Hey, girls!

- What did he say to you?

Pathetic.

She's mine for the taking.

You're lucky she didn't

trip over your tongue

dragging halfway across the ground.

Whoa. Okay. All right.

Well, give me some tips

then, if you are so clever.

How do I go about seducing a woman

who is apparently out of my league?

Is that a serious

question? Yeah, absolutely.

Mmm, well, you're at a disadvantage

being a, you know, virgin.

No, no, no, all right?

We can work with that.

First you have to be cool. Ignore her.

Act like you could take it or leave it.

You see, that I've had practice at. Hmm.

Uh, second, you have

to make her feel like

you've seen something

in her no one else has.

Like her soul.

While also ignoring her?

Yes.

Okay, and what happened to the sex?

This is about the sex!

God! You're so f***ed up.

Mmm. You have no idea.

She wants me to take her to the dance.

Really?

Yeah, imagine.

Take her, if it means that much to you.

Come on. You'd have no one to go with.

Uh...

I got asked by the fittest

guy in our year, Alex.

I think I'm fine.

What, so actually this is

quite convenient for you.

Yeah.

All right. Well, yeah,

I'll go ask her then.

Go for it.

Okay. Fine, I will.

- Bethany? Bethany, hi.

- Hey.

Yeah!

Come on.

Me, too.

I need to concentrate

so I can pass my exams

and get a life.

Not Bethany!

F***!

Right, Rosie Dunne, get yourself

down to the headmaster's office.

No, no, no, it was

my fault, Mr. Simpson.

I had something I needed to tell her.

So I see, Alex. Congratulations.

Yes, Alex!

I know we're not officially talking,

but I need help with my tie.

For a minute there,

I thought you might be

in love with me or something.

Alex, you will forever be the boy

who wiped bogeys on my favorite

party dress, okay?

Don't flatter yourself.

Good.

I know boy-girl friendships

can be quite complicated sometimes,

but you know I'm always

here if you need to talk.

What do you think?

B*obs au naturel or pushed up?

In? Or out?

Well, uh, I mean, it depends.

Is it for dancing, or is it, um...

Hmm.

Who knows?

So, where is this tool

meant to be meeting you?

You're so rude! Um,

I think at the front.

Uh, yes...

Hey, gorgeous.

Oh.

See ya!

Wanker.

Okay.

F***!

Oh, just...

You have done this

before? Yeah. Haven't you?

It's like brushing my teeth.

Ahhh! Bollocks!

That's... Look, let me

help you... No, leave it!

Okay, I've got it. F***! Ouch.

Okay, quick! Quick, okay.

Here we go! Okay, quick!

Sweet Jesus!

Oh.

Wow.

I know. I know.

Mmm.

Okay.

Where is it? What?

The thing. I don't know.

Seriously, Greg, where is it?

You had it!

Look, it can't have just disappeared!

Oh, God! Oh, sh*t!

Rosie? Have you found it?

Do you want me to have a look for you?

Really? Yeah, go on all fours.

Bugger off!

Rosie! Alex! Thank God! Where are you?

I'm on my way out!

No, wait, you've got to help me,

there's been an accident!

Christ, what?

No, no, no, sorry, no, that's

what I meant. Everything's fine.

Jesus, you scared me!

I mean, there was an

accident, um, with the thingy

with Greg, you know?

Well, that happens, Rosie! No, no, Alex.

Something that I need to

figure out right now, Alex.

I need to get rid of it.

It got lost and I can't find

it and I don't know what to do.

You're not making any sense, Rosie!

Can we just talk about this later?

No, Alex, please!

Okay, you need to be really

clear and really precise!

Okay!

The condom came off inside my vagina

and at present I'm unable to locate it!

That's way more

information than I needed.

Hi. I'm Dick.

Of course, you are.

Okay.

Is it, um, front bottom or back?

What do you think I am?

Sorry. I wasn't suggesting

you're a slag or anything.

Isn't there a female nurse?

I'm afraid I'm all you've got.

Huh.

That was one of the most embarrassing

moments of my entire pathetic existence.

Oh.

Oh.

You know what?

Let's get out of here.

Dino's should still be open.

I was thinking more

Boston, Massachusetts.

Oh, you think I should flee the country?

I'm serious.

This place is a dead end,

we've been saying it for years.

And, uh, my dad wants me to try

for a scholarship at Harvard.

You are serious.

It's one of the best

medical schools in the world.

And Boston College happens to have

a really great hotel management course.

That is what you want to do, isn't it?

You can't!

I mean, who'll do your washing?

You'll never eat! It's ridiculous!

They have food in America, Mom,

and I'm guessing washing machines.

It's so far away!

I mean, talk to her, Dennis!

It works for me. I mean,

this is as far as I got.

I know, but Mom's just being Mom.

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