Love Don't Cost a Thing Page #3

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He's a grinder, not a retard.

But on the real, Paris, he carries a pool net

around town, on a motorized scooter.

You know, l don't believe

l granted an interview today.

Hey. Hey, look.

-lt doesn't add up. lt doesn't make sense.

-He cleans her pool.

l wanna clean pools.

Get to hang out with Paris Morgan.

l'll clean the bathtub too.

Yo, check this out, man.

Losers sit over there, to the left.

You feel me?

Then l guess you'll be making a right.

That's the a**hole section, Ted.

You know what?

l think l'm gonna go get some dessert.

You know, the Butterfingers

in the vending machine rock.

You know, y'all don't have to be so rude,

staring at him like that.

Why are you with him?

l'm rolling with Al

because l'm with him, okay?

Yeah.

There you are.

Come on, let's bounce.

There's a game tonight,

so scoop me up at 6:30?

l will be scooping you like Chunky Monkey.

Slide, hit six...

...and kick.

Pull. Land low.

All right. Now shake it out.

Shake it out. Good job, y'all.

-All right. Ready to have a good time?

-Give me my tape.

lt's not your tape. lt's Dad's tape.

Take your Wonderbra and get out.

And why would you need it anyway?

You know you'll never get to use it.

Oh, yeah? Well, guess what.

-Thank you.

-Mom? Alvin's taking drugs.

He's hallucinating.

He actually thinks he has a date tonight.

-Why can't he?

-With Paris Morgan?

The most beautiful girl at school?

Dad, you bugging.

-What that supposed to mean?

-Look at him.

Where's the iron?

lt's under the sink.

Are you feeling okay, honey?

Mom, l'm great.

See that? Drugs.

-Do you think maybe l should--?

-No. Look here. Let me handle this here.

He probably just needs a good

talking to, that's all.

Take it low.

-Son? Come out and talk to your father.

-Shake it out.

Shake it out. Good. Have fun with it.

Take it to the side.

Take it low. Do what you wanna do.

It's the shake-off.

Come on, take a seat.

Come on. Gotta get your sea legs. Might

wanna get yourself a waterbed one day.

There ain't a woman born

that can resist...

...the motion...

...of the ocean.

Dad, l gotta iron my clothes.

No, no, no.

Don't worry about that.

Because nothing right now can rob me...

...of this rite of passage

between the father and his son.

Me and you right now, it's big.

And kick.

Jump, jump.

And mambo.

Now kick him in the nuts, girl.

Kick him in the face. And punch.

Chop, chop.

This here, son...

...is your hope chest.

This is my legacy to you.

A hope chest?

They come in all different sizes

and colors.

Let me talk to you, son.

This right here, son--

Look at me, boy. Watch this here.

This is the Trojan ribbed, lubricated.

Sturdy, reliable, dependable. Like a truck.

When you don't really know what you into,

and it get a little rough for you...

...makes you downshift.

This one here, son....

This is the super-size...

...Magnum majestic.

The prophylactic Cadillac.

Oh, yeah.

This is when you find yourself

and you're there.

You done got so comfortable with yourself

you done built up a reputation.

You feel me?

And this one here, son,

be extra careful...

...because that's

Mr. Little Extra Sensitive.

You really don't need this,

especially on the first round.

You'll enjoy the ride too much, end up on

the curb somewhere out of commission.

You don't want that.

Save this for round three.

Because believe me,

there's gonna be a round three.

Look at me. Feel me.

All right, now, look strong. Come on, son.

Close your mouth. There you go.

Keep it tight. Work with it.

Love you, man.

--seven eight, and chop, chop.

And mambo. Lucy Liu!

Now kick him in the nuts, girl.

Kick him in the face. And punch.

Chop, chop. Yeah. Mambo.

Lucy Liu, now.

Kick him in the back, the face.

Punch. Chop, chop. Mambo.

Lucy Liu. Now kick him in the nuts, girl.

Kick him in the face. Step, punch.

Girl, you know better than that.

You better put that chicken wing

down, okay?

I see you, girl.

Five, six, seven, eight, down.

And wiggle.

And shimmy.

And five and six and....

Touch yourself, come on.

Hold me tight. Yes.

Oh, hell, no.

-Hey, fellas, how you doing?

-Hey, Mr. Johnson. What's going on?

Look, l got a bit of bad news for you.

lt seems like Alvin done moved.

He don't stay here no more.

This has ceased to be funny.

Hey, ain't nobody playing with you,

now.

Listen to me. l know you been friends

with Alvin since first grade...

...but Alvin dating a girl now.

He don't need to be hanging around

y'all scientific-looking ass...

...no more.

Stop all that, now.

-Y'all take it easy, okay?

-Come on, Mr. Johnson!

Get your big, wide ass off the door.

You gonna mess around, and l'm gonna

get my Roto-Rooter and stick it--

-Come on in!

-All right, yeah. Exactly. Let me in.

Alvin, your dad's funny.

So, what's going on?

l'm not asking him.

Okay, look, well, we always sit together

at the games in the visitors section, and....

Well, are you going to sit with us...

...or in the home seats

with the popular kids?

Yeah, see, we were thinking that we'd sit

in the home section with you...

...so you could introduce us

to Paris Morgan.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Of course you can!

-All right!

So did you and Paris, you know, do it?

-Do what?

-lt! lt, it, it! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Sorry, guys.

l'm not telling.

Dogpile!

These are for you.

They're Arabian roses.

Alvin, that's so sweet,

but you shouldn't have.

Girls see a guy being too nice...

...and it makes him seem lonely,

desperate, weak.

-Right, right. l should write this down.

-No.

Look, just be a little tougher. You know?

Make like you don't need me.

Like you don't need any girl.

Then girls will want you.

-Okay?

-Okay.

But the flowers, they're nice.

Look, l'll go put them in water,

and then we'll go to the game, all right?

You stay right there. Okay?

Basket!

Assist, Sanders!

-Sit down, clowns!

-Dumb-asses!

Sit down, Q-Tip!

Jackrabbits! Jackrabbits!

Jackrabbits! Jackrabbits!

-Hi, Paris!

-Hi, Paris!

-Hi, Paris!

-Come on.

All right, guys, that's enough.

She's working.

Leave her alone.

What a wankster.

And now, the Jackrabbit drill squad.

Left, right

-Chuck, have some couth.

-Yeah, it's just breasts and bottoms, damn!

Hey! Hey!

My mom bought those for me!

-One time! One time!

-Why are you like that?

You pretty.

She's perfect.

Move. Move. Move.

What are you doing, sitting in my section?

You hungry? Wanna offer pizza?

Let me offer some for you.

Home is down with your man.

Stay out of my section, all right?

Losers sit over there, to the left!

What are you, a big fake?

Alvin?

-Alvin!

-The deal is off.

Just go. Go be with your friends

while they still claim you.

Come down out of that tree.

We still have a lot of time

to pretend we're friends.

And unlike some people,

l keep my promises.

You mean, unlike Dru?

Are you okay? Alvin?

You know, these next two weeks,

if it's any consolation...

...are probably gonna be

the happiest memories of my life.

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