Madea's Big Happy Family Page #5

Now wait a second. All right? All right?

Okay. All of you be quiet.

Because I can tell the truth right here.

We've got the results right here.

Okay.

In the case of Baby DeShawn,

neither of you are the father.

Lord, I knowed it, I knowed it.

I knowed that wasn't the daddy.

Mabel, get your big ass out the way.

You know it's fit for television.

That is trifling as hell.

How the hell she had all of them men

if she don't even know

who the baby daddy is?

Yeah.

You know who that remind me of? You.

You know you was a ho back in the day.

Yes, indeed.

But you know, look here, that boy,

he didn't even know that wasn't his baby.

Been paying child support 18 years.

Giving, two, three, four hundred dollars.

Four hundred dollars

he's giving that girl a month.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna start a company.

For every baby daddy who has been through

some trouble with baby mamas.

I'm gonna call it, "1-800-Choke-That-Ho."

How about 1-800-Choke-That-Ho?

That's a rap song, Mabel.

1-800-Choke-That-Ho.

Joe, shut up. Just shut up.

Mabel!

Mabel! Mabel! Mabel! Mabel!

I'm right here, jackass!

Mabel, I went to the doctor,

and they say I'm dying.

Mr. Brown, you are not dying.

You had a colonoscopy

and they found a growth

and they wanted to

remove it and do a biopsy.

See, they wanna do a biopsy on me.

That means I'm dying.

They found a growth?

- Yes.

- Yes.

You had to go to the

doctor to find that out?

Hell, I'm looking at a growth

coming out of your shoes.

That's a good one, Mabel.

I see the growth, too.

Y'all laughing, but I

think I got the cancer.

You are the cancer!

Mabel, can you do something for me, baby?

- Yes. Yes.

- Do one thing for me.

Can you just hold me one more time?

- Madea! Madea!

- I can't see.

Don't get up on me, touching me like that.

You didn't have to do that, Madea.

Mabel, you got big old man hands.

And you don't have a big old man nothing.

That's a good one, baby.

You on a roll, girl. You on a roll.

What did the veterinarian say?

That girl said "the vet." She say "the vet."

You is funny. You are the next Lenny Bruce.

You funny. You funny.

Madea, that is not funny.

What did the veterinarian say?

I'm sorry. Okay.

It's not funny.

Y'all laughing, but I think I see the light.

I see the light, too.

Hell, all them colors you got on,

you are the light.

Taste the rainbow.

You look like a pack of Skittles.

MC Lyte, Crayola light,

Budweiser Light, jackass light.

I know, I know it wasn't good, but I got it.

Madea, Uncle Joe, don't do that.

That is not nice.

Just say something nice to him for once.

I will say something nice to him for once.

Something nice to you for once.

Madea!

When I'm gone, they'll appreciate me.

All right, don't even worry about it.

You gonna be all right. You gonna be...

- I am?

- Yes, Brown.

Lots of people done had

to have colonoscopies.

You're supposed to get that done

when you get to be a certain age, anyway.

You're gonna be all right.

It's good to get your rooter checked.

That's all right, Brown. That's all right,

Brown. You're gonna be fine.

All dogs go to heaven.

So, I know they have room for silverbacks.

That is so mean, Uncle Joe.

Funny.

- Madea.

- He is silverback, too.

He's just...

Hey, y'all. Joe! Madea, Mabel.

Hey, Bam.

Hey, Cora. Hey, Brown.

Hey, Bam.

Bam, did they tell you I'm dying?

That's good to hear.

- What?

- Aunt Bam, he said he's dying.

Oh, sorry.

Help me.

What brings you by here, honey?

Shirley and her kids.

How's she doing?

Not good. Not good at all.

Help me. Help me.

You need to help her with her kids.

- No, child. No, no, no.

- They out of control.

I don't know why folks

wanna run to the elders

after their children get out of control,

when the elders be telling them all along

y'all need to get these children straight.

Now that they're grown and out of control,

they want some help from us.

I'm sorry, honey. We have

two different styles of raising children.

She like to pray, I like to punch.

We can't do that.

She's my favorite niece and all,

but no, child,

I'm not fittin' to get into that. No.

Help me.

Abort, abort. Evacuate. Abort, evacuate.

- What?

- Mabel, she needs your help, honey.

Can't nobody bring

a family together like you can.

And can't nobody eat a steak like you can.

And can't nobody do me like Jesus.

Help me. Help me.

Help me. Help me, please.

Somebody. Somebody, anybody...

- Joe, what's wrong with you?

- Somebody help me.

What is wrong with you, fool?

Y'all don't hear that?

- Hear what?

- Hear what?

That's the floor. It's talking. Listen.

Help me.

It's saying that 'cause it got all y'all

big asses standing on that floor.

- That's them.

- Joe.

It's the truth.

Them floor joints is screaming...

- They're screaming like...

- Shut the hell up, Joe, shut up.

Don't shake like that, Mabel.

Hell, all that cellulite,

and look like you got hail damage

all over your legs when you shake.

Don't do that.

These stretch marks

is a road map to heaven.

You follow this GPS, it's gonna take you

somewhere you ain't never been before.

Your stretch marks about to make me...

I got to throw up.

You about to throw up

that cancer in your back.

Get it all out, get it

all out, let him use you.

Mabel, please. Please help Shirley.

Does Shirley know you're over here?

Well, she'll be fine with it.

She'll be fine with it.

Give me all their addresses and I will

go by there and try to help them.

Thank you. Yes!

- You ain't gonna hold me...

- Just shut the hell up!

What the hell's wrong with you, Brown?

Talking about somebody...

Don't nobody wanna hold you here.

Your mama didn't even wanna hold you

when you was born.

I don't know what the hell

you always got something.

You working on my damn nerves.

Heller?

Hold on. Joe, your bookie on the phone.

I'll be damned if I come up in there

on that floor.

That floor getting ready to cave in.

The termites are saying, "Evacuate, run.

Everybody, man your battle stations.

"Get out, get out. It's..."

Come get the phone.

Whoever that is, they're gonna have

to call me back, 'cause I ain't stupid.

If I walk up in there,

that floor is gonna just go.

'Cause I'm the feather

that will break the camel's back,

'cause y'all killing that camel.

All them joints is about to snap.

The termites getting ready to run

from out of here, they're saying,

"Evacuate! Abort! Abort!"

The termites screaming, "Abort, abort!

"Because these fat asses are gonna fall

through the roof."

- What?

- Shut up, fool. Shut up.

Shut up.

How's it looking, Doctor?

I'm sorry.

No need to be sorry.

Is there anything I can do?

How long do I have?

Four, maybe six weeks.

And if we continue with the chemo,

maybe longer.

Well, thank God for the days I have had.

You're the most amazing patient

I've ever had, Ms. Shirley.

Always smiling.

Always seeing the bright side.

Well, living for God is the bright side.

And, Doctor,

God bless you for all your help.

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