Madea's Big Happy Family Page #9

Pull your damn pants up.

Look like somebody.

It's called swag. Just...

I got your swag.

Somebody looking at your ass

when you walk down the street.

That ain't no damn swag.

Get the hell on out of here.

You better be there at 6:00.

And pull your pants up.

Now this house is sitting

on three acres of land.

So you have plenty of room

if you do plan on having little ones.

And when you come out here,

I mean, it's beautiful.

We have excellent school systems.

On the outside,

we have the cobblestone driveway...

And an infinity pool in the background

that leads into a waterfall.

Also a nice little grilling area in the back

if you ever wanna entertain your guests.

- It's a beautiful home.

- Man, it's so bougie.

We have the wooden...

- We have the marble pillars here.

- I know she didn't just act like

...she didn't see me. Kimberly!

- With all the bordering that you can...

I know you didn't just act like you didn't

see me when I looked through that window.

- Kimberly.

- Madea.

- Yes.

- Hello.

You got clients.

I'm showing a house. Could we speak later?

Ner. I came over here

because I need to talk to you.

Excuse me. This will only take a second.

Just give me a moment, please?

- Okay.

- Thanks.

Madea, this is highly inappropriate.

How did you know I was here?

Because your husband told me

where the hell you were.

I am going to kill him.

Why haven't you returned

my telephone calls?

Because I've been busy.

You ain't been that busy that you can't

return my tetephone calls.

Now, listen, your mama...

No, this is not the time for that, okay?

Girl, don't you interrupt me...

Who the hell...

Look here. I talked to your mama.

Could you lower your voice?

Okay. Excuse me.

Your mama has asked me

to come over to this house

to get all of y'all to come over there

to dinter, okay?

6:
00. Have your ass at the table

to give thanks to God for what he's done.

Do you understand me?

Don't make me have to come back

over here to find you.

Because I will drag you out of here

by your two front teeth.

That's all you will get for Christmas.

Do you understand me?

Do you understand

what the hell I am saying to you?

Do you understand the words

that are coming out of my mouth?

- Yes, ma'am. I understand.

- Let me tell you something.

If you are not there, every house...

No, don't look at them.

Don't look at them.

Let me tell you something,

every house you get ready to sell,

I will be in the front window like this.

Do you hear what the hell I am telling you?

Fine. I'll be there.

- I will see you there.

- Okay, all right. Goodbye.

So good to see all of you.

And I hope you enjoy and buy the house.

It's a lovely home.

Upstairs it looks like

it has three bedrooms,

two bathrooms

and everything else that people like.

Okay. Don't touch me.

Don't put your hands on me.

You better go handle your client.

Get the hell away from me.

Don't put your damn hands on me.

Got me coming over here

to this damn neighborhood.

You know I don't have

a driver's license, the first.

How the hell do I get out of

this bougie neighborhood?

- Hello, Ms. Cora.

- Dr. Evans.

- How is he?

- He's okay.

But he's lost a lot of blood.

Really? Is he gonna be okay?

Oh, yes, yes.

But, would you mind giving some blood?

It's always best from a relative.

Sure, sure. I will.

What's your blood type?

I'm really not sure of that.

- Well, come on. We'll find out.

- All right.

Jiggling, jiggling, jiggling, and you know,

all these stretch marks.

What, they look like lightning.

Oh, look at that chicken.

You didn't tell me you was making chicken.

I love your chicken.

Let's bow our heads.

Oh, God.

- Heavenly...

- Byron!

- What is that?

- That's the baby mama from hell.

What are you doing here?

Look, take this baby.

I got somewheres to go.

Look, and I got things to do, too.

Like what, Byron?

Come on. I need to get to the TV station.

What are you talking about? TV...

What are you doing?

Look, you need nots to worry about

what I'm doing, all right.

Hi, Ms. Shirley and everybody.

What's up? Hey, Calvin.

Hey!

Where that little trick at?

Now, look here. This is a very private

family moment right now, okay?

You got to come back some other time.

Take your child on out of here.

- Don't I know you?

- Don't I know you?

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

You that lady that tried to come up

to my store and drive through my window.

No, I didn't come up, I didn't try, I did,

'cause you ghetto as hell.

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Who is she talking to?

Byron, she got the wrong one.

We're having a very private

family moment right here now.

You need to take that little baby

and y'all come on back some other time.

- Now, go on now. Go on.

- Okay, okay.

- Just give me my son, please. All right.

- Yeah.

- Would you get out of here, please?

- Glad to.

But all I know is you better have my money.

Man, she punk, and you look like...

- Grown folks business. Shut the hell up.

- Will you please get out of here?

Glad to.

You know what I know,

if you knew better, you'd do better.

You better have my money. Bye, y'all.

Have a nice day.

- Okay.

- You better lock the door

...before she steals

everything in the kitchen. - Oh, Jesus.

How the hell did you hook up with...

See, young boy, that's what happens

when you hook up with...

Oh, look who finally decided to show up.

I can tell you this,

I thought I was gonna have to go out there

and hunt you down like a rabid dog.

- Well, I made it.

- Yes, you did.

She's so burgie.

Did you tell Madea where I was?

She was trying to find you.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

That's all right.

We'll deal with this when we get home.

- No. No, no...

- All right, let's pray.

Let's deal with this right now.

- I have an announcement to make.

- Calvin!

- No!

- Keep your voice...

Family, I am sick of Kimberly's bull.

Do you think this is funny, Calvin?

- Trouble in paradise.

- Tammy.

What?

You need to get some help,

and if you don't, I'm leaving.

And I'm taking my son with me.

You are not taking

my child anywhere, Calvin.

You think I'm gonna let you

put all this venom in my child?

You are not taking him...

Don't these look good, Shirley?

They sure look good. Y'all wanna eat some?

Yes, it does, yes, it

does. I just wanna eat it.

I can't do this.

I can't do this. I'm sorry, I can't sit here

like we're one big happy family

when you know we can't stand each other.

- Kimberly...

- No, Mama.

If you want us to sit here, you eat it.

Kimberly, don't talk to

your mother like that.

Calvin, you better shut the hell up.

I'll talk to my mom

how I wanna talk to my mother.

I'm not gonna tell you again

to show me some damn respect.

- What is wrong with you?

- You're what's wrong with me.

Everybody sitting here, like, playing nice.

This is wrong. This is ridiculous.

Kimberly, I just wanted to have a nice

family dinner, everybody together.

- Why?

- That's all.

Girl, you better act

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