Maggie's Plan

1

- Sorry! Sorry I'm late. Hi!

- I did not know that about Erica.

- Hi, Max! Hi.

- Hi!

You have one little corner

of baby smell left right there.

Ah!

- Hi, how are you?

- I need a baby!

- You need a baby?

- Mmm.

You're such an impatient little fussbudget.

I just don't see why I should wait.

Uh, for a father, perhaps?

Let's face it.

I've never been in a serious relationship

that's lasted longer than six months.

We were together for two years.

Thanks.

In college. And we made each other

miserable the rest of the time.

- Yeah.

- Here you go.

I admit it, we were miserable,

- but we were also happy.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Well, just so you know,

I have some sperm in a facility uptown,

if you're in a pinch.

What? Why?

I thought Felicia didn't

want any more kids.

Felicia does not want any more kids.

I froze it in case I met someone nice.

No, you didn't.

I didn't.

But I might.

You know, save it like mad money style.

Um...

So do you remember

Guy Childers from college?

Wait, wasn't he the guy, he now...

What, he's a pickle salesman, right?

No, he's a pickle entrepreneur.

I'm just gonna touch these.

And he agreed to make a donation,

so that I could inseminate myself.

- But he has no sense of personal space.

- So what? He was a math major.

And I'm not gonna marry him.

I'm just borrowing his genes.

But not his personality, I hope.

Guy Childers?

Well, everybody's got something

a little bit wrong with them.

You think everybody's honest

who fills out those questionnaires

at the sperm bank donation thing?

I can't believe you've been cooking this up

and you didn't even tell me.

- Because I knew that you'd yell at me.

- I'm not yelling at you...

Isn't this something that women do

who are, like, 49 and desperate?

I don't want it to be a last resort.

I want it to be a choice

because I'm ready to be a mother,

and I don't believe that I'll find someone

that I can stay in love with

or who can stay in love with me

for longer than six months.

I'm just facing the truth about myself.

So when's the insemination?

Are we gonna have a party?

In four months.

Hey, does my breath smell?

No. Does mine?

I started production in my apartment

three years ago.

Now, I have 12 employees.

And I just got an order from Whole Foods.

So if that works out, we're taking off.

But I'm still very hands-on.

- Every pickle has my stamp of approval on it.

- Mmm.

Here, try this one.

I love this.

That's a Bavarian. It's classic.

This is the best pickle I've ever had.

- Oh, you skate?

- Yeah. Every Sunday.

I grew up on the ice.

- Oh, right. You were on the ice hockey team.

- Yeah.

I used to ice-skate a

lot when I was little.

- So regarding our plan.

- Okay.

- Here is my bill of health.

- Oh.

Read it.

That's great.

Oh, I have for you...

Ah.

You need to keep it warm when you...

So just put it next to your body,

underneath your shirt,

- and you can come right over.

- Okay.

So when do you want to do this?

March 23rd.

- I just want to build up some more savings.

- Please. That's smart.

I already have health insurance

and everything.

So I guess the question is, um,

how much involvement do you want to have?

I was going to suggest none,

but, um, I'm open to negotiation.

None is so cool.

Yeah.

I mean, that kind of takes

the pressure off, right? Doesn't it, huh?

- I can just relax and build my empire.

- Oh!

Oh, my gosh.

Hi, Beverly. I got two checks this month.

Not that I'm complaining.

You're sure

they're not for two different payments?

Well, I'd love to think that,

but they have the same date on them

and I was paid last month.

- So anyway...

- Uh, excuse me.

I'm sorry, I couldn't help but overhear.

This young woman got two checks,

and I don't have any.

- What's your name?

- John Harding.

Oh, well, my name is Johanna Hardin.

No, I mean, my name is Maggie,

but on my checks,

it's Johanna Margaret Hardin.

- Right.

- So maybe there was a mix-up.

Yep. And it's gonna take a minute

to figure this out.

You know, it would be great

if it could be resolved soon.

We'll get back to you.

Damn. That woman could guard hell

if Cerberus ever needs to go to the vet.

Everyone's scared of Beverly.

What do you teach?

Uh, Ficto-Critical Perspectives

in Family Dynamics.

Yeah, and Masks in the Modern Family,

Victorian Times to the Present Day.

- Psychology department?

- Anthropology.

- I don't know any anthropologists.

- No? What about you?

I'm the Director of Business Development

and Outreach

for the art and design students.

Oh. Uh, what is that?

I help graduate students strategize

for success in the art and design world.

I'm sort of a bridge

between art and commerce.

You seem a little young for that, no?

I have an MBA

and a master's in arts management.

- Oh, nice.

- Good luck getting paid!

There is something satisfying

about the feeling.

Yes. That is...

Oh, Felicia.

What time is that Pike Fellowship meeting?

- Thursday at 7:
00.

- All right. Great. Thanks.

It's so funny you know John Harding.

Oh, we're on a committee together.

He's a real panty melter. Why?

Oh, nothing. We had a mix-up

with our checks

- because of our names. Hardin, Harding.

- Right.

He's one of the bad boys

of ficto-critical anthropology.

Apparently, he was a big deal in Chicago.

And now, he just does adjunct work here,

but they're really salivating for him

to work full-time.

- Why won't he?

- I don't know.

I think it has something to do with his wife.

Apparently, she's some sort of monster.

- Where did you hear this?

- Around.

You know, she's got tenure at Columbia.

Georgette Nrgaard.

The words "glacial" and "terrifying"

have been bandied about.

Then again, I have heard myself

described as a psychotic b*tch,

but I think I'm actually pretty nice.

So you can't believe everything you hear.

If you say, "She's, like, terrified,"

it's not nearly as strong as saying,

"She's terrified."

"Like" is a language condom.

Trust me.

Where the f*** is my chicken?

Hardin!

Oh, hi!

What are you doing?

I'm just taking a little constitutional

before my next meeting.

- Did you ever get paid?

- No.

Oh, you're kidding.

Yeah, Beverly says the check's in the mail.

- Can I join you?

- Sure.

I knew this Maasai from Tanzania.

He was here to run in a marathon.

He took everything about New York City

in complete stride.

Nothing fazed him

until he saw a grown man following his dog

and picking up his sh*t.

He started laughing so hard, he wept.

I suppose that custom could seem strange,

like, out of context.

What was that?

Uh, I overheard your conversation about

how "like" is a language prophylactic.

Ah, yeah.

What is ficto-critical

anthropology, anyway?

Well, it is a way

of writing about anthropology

that blends ethnographic observation,

storytelling,

and, like, theory.

Do we have to walk in the circle,

or can we walk around the park?

We can walk.

It's so hard to find a full-time position.

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