Maggie's Plan Page #3

They were academics

at the University of Wisconsin.

But then eventually, they got divorced

and my dad moved away.

But then later, years later,

they ran into each other at a party.

And they...

They got together that night.

And that's how I was conceived.

On the bed with all the coats.

My mom always says that

it's because I needed to be born.

I love that idea.

That our unborn children are the real gods

dictating the fates of us

poor clueless mortals.

And did they...

They got together after that?

No. Uh, my mom raised me alone in Madison.

Uh...

She was a professor of

19th century British poetry.

She wasn't very practical.

So I ended up doing all

the day-to-day stuff.

I was organizing all of her bills

by the time I was 12.

She came from a Quaker family,

so she used to take me

to Quaker meetings with her.

Uh, and I still go, sometimes.

A Quaker, huh?

Yeah, we had a nice life. Mmm.

And then when I was 16,

she died.

So, um,

I went to go live with my dad in Philly.

How was that?

It was cordial.

And quiet.

- Lonely?

- Yes.

I grew up in a house where nobody

ever stopped yelling at each other.

Heaven.

No, my dad is a kind man.

And he made the best of the situation.

We both did.

So what about you? Tell me about you.

Background-wise.

Background.

Um, my father was a black jack dealer

in Atlantic City.

But it's a really long story. And I really...

I have to get back to my dysfunction.

- I believe it.

- What?

That you had to be born.

Martin Neem

dreamed the same thing every night.

But he could never remember what it was.

His wife, Talia, slept like a stone.

Talia was a small woman.

A small, beautiful woman

with hair like a river of snakes,

and the temper of an angry mink.

- Hi!

- Hey.

- Did you get to the static thing yet?

- Oh, yes.

- Did that make you laugh?

- I have no friction at all.

- Yeah, but it made you laugh, right?

- It did make me laugh.

He can't stop eating.

He's like this really gross eater.

You know what I mean?

And he's saying these brilliant things

about how he's got stuff in his beard.

Right. Beard.

- So that when they kiss, you know...

- Oh, gross! Oh, no.

Right, I know! That's what you'd think.

Except, she loves it.

Did you think that this was overwritten?

I think his book is a novella.

It's short and very strange.

It might even be, like, an allegory.

I like everything I've read.

He's asking me for suggestions.

What does his wife think about that?

She doesn't know about it.

To be honest, I don't think

she really pays attention to what he does.

She's very self-absorbed.

She might even be a narcissist.

Of course, she is.

Why of course?

He's basically a psychiatric nurse.

He can't write his novel

under those conditions.

I think their marriage, like,

fell apart after the second child.

- And now he's trapped in it.

- Oh, that's what he's telling you.

Why would he lie?

To get into your pants!

Hello!

Hi.

Oh.

Thank you. I'll just...

Did you bring it?

Oh, f***!

- That's why I gave you that little container.

- Where's your bathroom?

Uh, um...

So where do I deposit

my genetic goldmine into?

It's sterile.

Listen. Um...

I feel it behooves me to offer

to do this the old-fashioned way.

Considering your extreme state of beauty

and, um, my totally free afternoon.

No. No, thank you, Guy.

I just think

it would be too complicated, you know.

Just being polite.

Should I go out for a bit?

- No. Uh, just read something.

- Mmm.

I'll be back in a jiff with that jizz.

- Hey, Guy?

- Yes?

Why didn't you become a mathematician?

I liked math

because it was beautiful, that's all.

I never wanted to be a mathematician.

Really? You think math is beautiful?

Anyone who's touched even a hem

of that garment knows it's beautiful.

For me, the hem was enough.

Couldn't have taken the frustration.

What do you mean?

Never seeing the whole thing.

You're always just getting

these little glimpses of the whole picture.

Spending my whole life

hunting for scraps of truth.

Stop your running about

It's time you straighten right out

Stop your running around

Making problems in town

Aha-a Rudy

A message to you Rudy

A message to...

Wow, swift.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Oh...

When there's an actual lady involved,

it's a different story.

I made you extra just

in case you spill some.

Thanks.

Oh, wow.

Thank you, Guy. This is really...

This is really great.

Super.

Oh...

I just...

A selfie.

You have a 71% chance of being fertile.

Oh.

Hi! My apps are giving me contradictory

information. Maybe I should wait.

Yeah, you should wait

for like, five years.

Uh, don't listen to him.

He's losing his mind.

- He seems to be a little on edge.

- Oh, you think so?

Yeah, he's driving me crazy

with theories about mental illness

in Guy Childers' family.

No, I met his mother once.

She had a face like a hatchet.

And she wouldn't stop sighing.

And she drank!

Did you get that? Personally,

I think he just loves you too much.

He wants to keep you for himself.

Oh, stop it.

You know that's not true.

Well, I think he doesn't want you to move

on with this next phase of your life

because then he, too,

might actually have to grow up.

Shut the f*** up. Shut your mouth.

How elevated

does your temperature have to be?

I don't know.

I think slightly elevated?

101! You talking about the temperature?

It has to be 101 degrees!

When was the last time you ovulated?

I read about it.

I heard

it doesn't always work the first time.

- My girlfriend Odette... Did you ever...

- Wait! Uh, hold on! Hold on. Wait.

- That woman is nuts!

- You have a problem with her

because she's a performance artist!

Bye!

You had her speak at Max's class and

she said the word "my vagina" three times.

I'm coming!

- Maggie, have you done it yet?

- Have you done it yet?

Hang on.

Uh...

- Hello?

- Hey, it's John.

Oh, shoot!

Wait there! Okay, you have to wait.

John? Are you still there?

Hey. Are you okay?

Uh...

- Yeah. No. I, um, got locked out.

- Oh.

I mean... And Georgette and the kids are...

- Pennsylvania, you know. I mean...

- Oh.

Oh, um, do you want to stay on the couch?

Not really.

So I'm on chapter five,

and now I think

Mrs. Jeffries is my favorite character.

She's so pallid and reliable,

but he finds her so attractive

in spite of her mustache.

I was just... Actually,

I was wondering, um,

if the wife's behavior is

getting a little large?

Mmm-hmm.

You should try coming over to our house.

The book's like a documentary, you know?

I mean, no... I don't...

I don't know. I'm sure you're right.

I'm sure I'm exaggerating her behavior.

No, no! It's, like, really funny.

So I don't want you to change it.

Maybe it's just more about, like,

how much of it you do.

- Like, you don't want it to be...

- Oh, f*** it!

I'm in love with you.

I mean, I'm genuinely

locked out of my apartment. I am.

But I'm also in love with you.

And I don't want to be married

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