Maggie's Plan Page #5

That's the biggest jar of pickles

I've ever seen.

Um, how much do I owe you?

- It's a wedding present.

- Thank you.

- Bye! Okay, let's go.

- Bye, Lily!

We're gonna take our pickle baby home.

I am so glad you're you.

I am so glad you're you, wiglet. Bye!

Bye.

Still warm.

Hey, Georgette canceled her trip.

So she's gonna want the kids next week

after all.

I'm Mrs. Jeffries, aren't I?

I'm the colorless, efficient postal worker

that you fall in love with

because she makes your life so much easier.

I came up with Mrs. Jeffries

before we even met.

Yeah, well, you've turned

me into her, then.

At least I don't have a mustache.

Yet.

Do you want to hear your horoscope?

No.

I'm terrified

that I'm falling out of love with him.

Like, really out of love.

Felicia and I fall in and out of love

pretty much every week.

You can't be so idealistic.

I wanted to help him become a fiction

writer, and now all he does is write,

and the novel is 500 pages long

and I don't even think it's half done.

- Have you read the whole thing?

- Most of it.

You still like it?

It's gotten

more and more complicated.

Yeah.

Do you think it's possible to be

too smart to be a novelist?

I haven't heard that one.

Do you think

there's something wrong with me?

Wrong with you?

Yeah, that I have a condition

where I always fall out of love.

Maybe.

Shut up!

- What? Yes! No!

- Really? You think I have a condition?

No! Yes! I don't know! I don't know.

Maybe! No, no, you don't. You know what?

Maybe you just haven't met the right guy yet.

Ask Felicia. Don't ask me.

I'm not the right guy.

Does he ever walk?

Max? He's gotta finish that book by Friday.

Does he ever walk? Yes.

He's the captain of the soccer team.

- What is it? Stroller soccer?

- You're hilarious.

I will be honest with you.

This book was born from pain.

My husband, whom I am not ashamed to say

I loved with all my heart,

though we had a difficult relationship,

had an affair with a younger woman,

left me and started a new family.

And what I gleaned

from this exquisite torture

are the thoughts

which this act of betrayal to me as a woman

provoked in me as an anthropologist.

I must ask myself,

is the contemporary obsession

with exclusive possession

ruining our chances of marital happiness?

Excuse me.

Maggie?

Yes! Hi.

I recognized you

from a picture on Justine's phone.

Oh.

I wanted to... I wanted to see your reading.

It was really...

I want to say thank you for taking such

good care of the children while I was gone.

I know it's been a burden. I appreciate it.

You're welcome. They're wonderful kids.

We should get together sometime.

I feel I've been rather

childish about all this.

We have to face the fact that we are raising

them together, the three of us, yeah.

I would love that.

Call me some time.

It's easy to get my number.

- You bought a book?

- I couldn't resist.

- Do we need to get it signed?

- I think we do.

- Georgette is fascinating.

- Really?

Yes. She's warm and powerful

and charming all at once and

I can see why he was so obsessed with her.

I don't think "easy to live with"

was on that list, though, you know.

I like her.

I actually like her! I'm such a blockhead.

I thought I was rescuing John

from this monstrous egomaniac,

so he could finally finish his book.

I thought I knew better how to run his life,

that I was gonna fix everything.

And he's totally self-absorbed,

while I do every single practical thing

and make the money, and on top of that...

If it weren't for Lily,

I would say I made a terrible mistake.

It's too bad you can't give him back

to his ex-wife. Right?

I hate brussel sprouts.

They're a little hard.

So now it suits the captors

to have the little prisoners moved.

Aren't you excited to see Mama?

Oh.

Of course, I'm excited to see Mama.

I'm just sick of never knowing

where any of my stuff is.

I can't wait until I have kids

so I can push them around.

Sometimes I wonder

if she is a little dim-witted.

What is she doing?

She's nice.

You're like a dog.

You love whoever feeds you.

Not true.

I'm sorry. Is there a problem here?

Oh, no. I just can't believe

that I found a legal parking spot

right in front of your mom's house.

- You're coming inside?

- Just to say hi.

Okay.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi!

Hello, Maggie.

Hi. John had a meeting,

so he asked me to drop them off.

- Come in.

- Oh, thanks.

Now, I have made you a nice snack.

And you are allowed to watch

one single episode of something ghastly

while eating it.

The snacks are already in the den.

- And no fighting about what it is, Paul.

- Okay.

- I was about to make some coffee? Or tea?

- Coffee would be great.

Your place is really nice.

Columbia housing.

I put butter in mine.

- Nullifies the afternoon sugar cravings.

- Great.

- Lovely photo.

- Yes.

Thank you.

It's so good to finally meet you.

I won't pretend it doesn't

cost me something.

Of course.

- I'm not into fakery.

- Me neither.

I detest the role of the spurned wife.

I won't play it.

- You're not.

- Am I not?

No. You still have

such a deep connection to John.

We have managed to remain

friends, it's true.

- Well, and your phone calls.

- Do you disapprove of them?

No.

The marriage has dissolved,

but we are still parenting together.

Well, I mean, it's not just parenting.

You guys are on the phone,

like, several times a day.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's great.

So I, um...

It's just...

Yes?

Well, it's obvious

that you're still in love with him.

What the hell are you playing at?

John and I are in trouble.

And I don't think he realizes

how much trouble we're in,

or he doesn't want to know.

And then, when I saw you at the reading,

I realized that there

might be an opportunity,

an opening to somehow

get the two of you back together.

Oh, I see. I see.

So you are tired of your little affair?

You're all done with it.

Now you want to make sure

you don't feel guilty

so you're going to manipulate us all

into some absurd happy ending.

I have met a lot of control

freaks in my life,

in fact, I thought I was one, but you,

you make me look like an amateur.

I didn't mean to insult you.

Have the decency to leave him

and face the fact that you poisoned my life

and my children's life,

and probably John's life

with your own selfishness.

That's your burden. You earned it.

Uh, wait a minute.

If you had such a perfect marriage,

why was John miserable?

You neglected him and you used him

and you didn't believe in his talent.

If I am so awful,

why are you trying to get me

back together with him?

Because I think that, actually,

even though I do think you are

pretty self-absorbed and extremely needy,

that he needs it. It keeps him in balance.

It's thinking about you that stops him

from only thinking about himself.

Leave. Leave. Leave.

- Leave? Oh, you want me to leave.

- Leave my house, leave.

- Okay, I'm leaving. Okay, sorry.

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