Mark and Russell's Wild Ride

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1

( Exhales )

Okay, okay, okay.

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

- ( Exhales )

- Ahem.

First time taking the test?

Uh...

Excellent stop, young man.

Though you might want

to pull up a little.

( Car alarm blares )

We can just go, right?

That's my car.

Easy now. You should be at least

one full car length behind...

( brakes screech )

It could've been worse.

And now it's worse.

( Siren wailing )

So emergency vehicles

have the right of way,

but it's not right

to turn right when

it's no right on red. Right?

I'm only here to observe.

( Wordless groaning )

Relax.

You're gonna do just fine.

See? Fine.

Thank you.

Squirrel! Squirrel!

Points for not killin' it?

( Horn blares )

Was I a terrible person

in a past life?

The past five lives?

Would you snap out of it?

It's gonna be a wonderful day.

Who fails anything five times?

I failed to ride the El

Diablo coaster five times,

'cause I'm still shorter than the

"you must be this tall" hand.

Does that stop me from hanging

upside down every morning?

Mm-mm. I've grown

a twelfth of an inch.

And change.

( Snorting laughter )

Hey! That's one.

You don't get two.

Okay. All right.

That license was

the key to everything.

It's the age-old equation.

License plus girls

suddenly noticing you,

multiplied by

ultra-hip parties,

divided by

a sensible new haircut,

equals popularity to

the power of infinity.

The ultimate cool-gorithm.

But that dream is dead

now, Russell.

They're gonna call me

"Five-Time Failure,"

which as far as nicknames go,

doesn't have that much teeth,

but it still hurts.

I'd take that over Smallest

Kid In the World any day.

And at least we're still a notch

above Space Helmet and Booger Tom.

You wanna come over

after school?

My mom makes homemade coleslaw.

Just him thinking that

we'd accept that invitation

- shows how close we are to rock bottom.

- Duly noted.

Well, on the plus side, at least

we do have chem lab today.

I feel like that's really more of

a plus for you than it is for me.

What can I say?

I love science.

Wow. Just wow.

The way you handle that beaker.

You remind me of

a young Marie Curie.

Didn't she die of

radiation poisoning?

I'm pretty sure I said young.

Oh, thank you for saving

my butt, Mark.

I'm so lucky we became

lab partners this year.

Are you kidding?

I'm the lucky one.

If it wasn't for you, I'd be

stuck with Cheese Hands Tony.

Ugh. This school's so harsh

with nicknames.

I know.

What's your nickname again?

Nice Teeth Ashley.

- That's brutal.

- ( Both laugh )

So...

What are you doing this Sunday?

Sittin' around. Maybe my

house, maybe Russell's. Why?

Well, Monica Delmonico's

having a pool party...

Okay, all right.

I think I know where

you're goin' with this, Ashley.

The best dish to bring to a pool

party is cold noodle salad.

Or so I have read.

I was actually wondering

if you wanted to take me

to the party.

I mean, you just took

your license test, right?

Yes. It's true.

Then you can pick me up.

We'll go together.

Yeah. Together.

Great. See you at noon.

- Oh, and bring that, uh...

- Cold noodle salad?

Perfect. I'm gonna be

bringing cupcakes

from my aunt's bakery.

Love Crumbs.

You can totally taste the love.

Bye.

Did that just happen?

Did the girl that

I've been crushing on

since kindergarten

just ask me out?

It's like you just leveled up

right in front of me.

You'll sneak me in through the

back gate or doggy door, right?

Yeah, dude, yeah.

Just gonna drive on

over, pick her up,

I'll carry you in

in my towel bag,

and... what?

I don't wanna say it.

Oh.

Pick her up.

That's not possible,

because of the failures.

Because of the horrible,

choking failures.

- ( Hyperventilating )

- Don't spin out on me now.

The worst thing we can do

is lose our focus.

( Liquid splashing )

Uh, I hope that's the base

and not the acid.

( Sizzling sound )

Nope. Dwayne, please escort me

to the eyewash station.

I've checked this DMV

and that DMV.

I'm not finding

any appointments.

Why are there no appointments?

Keep searching.

Look around you, Russell.

Look where we are.

Bus pick-up.

Where cool comes to die.

Okay, okay, okay.

Today is Friday.

The party is Sunday.

I have to get

my license tomorrow.

( Sighs ) Ashley

Pinafore is a rope

that has been tossed

down to us by destiny.

Climb that rope right on

up to popularity nirvana.

Toss that rope

back down to you,

and pull ourselves up from

this horror show

to a cool new world.

One with parties

and lake trips.

And sparkling cider brunches.

Really? That's what

cool is to you?

Have you ever been to one?

They are lovely.

Okay, well, either way, none of that

is happening without my license.

No license, no Ashley.

No Ashley, no pool party,

and no pool party...

Has anybody seen

my medicated lip balm?

We're lookin' at

Booger Tom and Space Helmet

to throw us a rope.

A booger-covered rope.

( Horn honks )

Who am I kidding?

Finding an appointment

is the least of our worries.

Even if I get one,

I'm just gonna turn into

a quivering mess

like the last five times.

Daddy needs a sure thing!

Then you're gonna

wanna see this.

Ninety-two percent. 92!

Can you even comprehend

what that means?

Okay, this driving instructor,

this beautiful Glenn Bufferton,

passes over 92%

of all of his testees.

Listen to these comments.

"Pushover. A gimme. It's like

he wasn't even in the car."

Honey, you can't shop for driving

instructors on the internet

like printer cartridges.

Check this out.

Favorite movie:

Whatever you're watching.

Political views:

Whoever you're into.

Religion:

Don't wanna offend anyone.

This guy clearly just

wants to be liked.

It's a virtual lock.

He is the Heimlich maneuver

for my choking.

And all it takes is

a 51-mile drive to the DMV.

Oh, yeah.

Who's with me?

Son, you need to take

a step back.

Quite frankly, your mother

and I are worried

that you may be on the verge

of a mental breakdown.

I'm beggin' you.

What could be more important than the hopes

and dreams of your precious baby boy?

Uh, an all-day flea market,

that's what.

Over ten acres of bargains.

Mm-hmm. And they've

got churros.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime

opportunity.

He's all booked up.

It needs to be tomorrow.

Now, Mark, this is

the exact opposite way

of getting me

to agree with you.

I know it is. I just...

I don't think

that you're grasping

the Ashley Pinafore of it all.

Pinafore Schminafore.

Now you listen to me.

You are the coolest cat

in this household.

If your friends don't

know that by now,

the heck with them.

It's their loss.

Your mom can drive you

to the party.

I'll even make my noodle salad.

Oh, we can invite Ashley over

to play Crazy Eights after.

Fun!

( laughing )

And that's why Mark

sucked his thumb till he was 12.

Don't forget your nose plugs.

( Shrieking )

( cell phone rings )

RUSSELL:
You okay, pal?

I thought I heard

someone screaming.

- I'm fine.

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