Mark and Russell's Wild Ride Page #2

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- Are you sure?

'Cause it was high-pitched.

Like a really feminine

howler monkey.

I'm fine.

Are you?

Why aren't you wearing

your night guard?

I should probably come over.

So you're not gonna

drive a car any time soon.

So what?

There are plenty of things

you can drive without a license.

Bumper cars. Lawn mowers.

Those tiny carts

that drive old people

to their gates at the airport.

I know your heart's

in the right place, Russell,

but everything you're saying

is making me feel way worse.

You're right.

We're young, it's Saturday.

Let's get an early start

on our homework.

This was a once-in-a-lifetime

opportunity,

and I bungled it.

I bungled it!

So be a man.

Tell Ashley you lied.

You were desperate

to be around her,

so you would've said

or done anything.

Sure, 'cause girls love

a desperate, lying fraidy-cat.

Face it, Russell.

We're stuck...

with boring old regular Mark.

Unwanted, unloved,

and unable to pull the car

out of the driveway

without parental supervision.

Mark, you're scaring me.

Well, that's our future.

My neighbor Don can't

drive me to the DMV

because of that "suspicious

mole." Hope he's okay.

A cab costs $137 one way.

I guess we could call

Booger Tom's mom.

You think that car

has boogers in it?

Their everything

has boogers in it.

Unless you know

a licensed driver

who's willing to ride with

us halfway across the state,

no questions asked,

I just don't know.

Let go of the walker, Grandpa.

I'll put it in the trunk.

I'm not goin' in the trunk.

No one said you were, Grandpa.

We love you.

There.

Now have some fauxgurt.

He loves those

Happy Scratchers.

Never wins, but he loves 'em.

So are we even sure

this is legal?

Issued by the state

of North Dakota in 1949,

but technically, still valid.

As long as you've

got your learner's permit,

he's the perfect chaperone.

Legal and forgetful.

Plus we can use his senior

citizen discount at rest stops.

I like where your head's at.

You don't get bumped up

a grade for nothing.

Here you go.

( Loudly )

We'll be back in 30 minutes.

Is that when the movie starts?

Sure.

We may have to stop at

the movies on the way back home.

This is the one, Russell.

Magic number six.

I may not say it enough, buddy,

but you are

a terrific sidekick.

Funny. I always thought

of you as the sidekick.

Hmm. I'm the one on the quest.

Or are you a side quest

to my much grander quest

whose true meaning

has yet to reveal itself?

Sounds like something

a sidekick would say.

Said the sidekick.

( Cell phone beeps )

It's Ashley.

It's our first text.

She wants to know if

I can also take.

- Harper Blanc to the pool party.

- Harper Blanc.

Harper Blanc who smells

like peaches Harper Blanc?

That's the one.

I'm texting no.

No!

Don't you realize, one

popular girl begets another?

You're trending, Mark.

You're trending.

Yeah? But if I choke this time,

the only thing trending

will be my humiliation.

I hate to be a nudge,

but I think you just

leap-frogged us.

I think you're mistaken.

I really hate to invoke

the no-cutsies rule...

And I'd hate to invoke

the four witnesses behind you

to reach down your throat

and pull your underwear

out your mouth.

Say hello to the Brothers Nico.

Hey, meatheads,

back off my friend.

Or maybe you're not

attached to your teeth.

Metaphorically.

I know your teeth are physically

rooted in your gums...

You know what?

You get my point.

You got a big mouth, inchworm.

Yeah? Well, you got

one big eyebrow.

Now apologize

to my scared friend.

Don't play the hero, tiny.

Yeah, don't play

the hero, tiny.

( Sound of whip cracking )

See, even they know

you're the sidekick.

Sorry. Were you the one just

standing up to the villain?

Seriously?

At the DMV?

Let's not be those people.

Don't tell me

what to do, Angela.

Oh, don't tell me,

don't tell me what to do.

BOY:
Don't tell me,

don't tell me

don't tell me what to do.

Wait, what?

You need to fill out a form.

Whoa.

Not my first rodeo.

Okay, okay.

Just relax.

Just find your bliss.

( Waves crashing,

seagulls cawing )

Russell, put that down.

I do not need your relaxing

Sounds of Nature app right now.

You need to stay loose.

We've got Mr. 92% on our side.

Your streak of failure

ends today.

The internet's lied before.

Like remember those ancient

Chinese growth pills you ordered?

They were neither ancient

nor Chinese nor pills.

I grew a quarter of an inch.

I know you did, buddy.

The point is, how do we know

this Glenn Bufferton

didn't just write

all those reviews himself?

How do we know he's not

too good to be true?

- ( Door opens )

- ( Groans )

Okay, let's get those hands

at 10 and 2.

Or, you know,

whatever you want.

I already get the sense

you know what you're doing.

Mint?

Looks like we've got

a natural on our hands.

So, any fun plans

once you get your...

( loud thump )

Uh... please, sir. I...

( stammering )

I didn't mean to...

No excuses.

That was clearly a pothole.

I'm sorry.

The city should've

fixed that by now,

and I apologize

on their behalf.

Well, looks like I've seen

everything I need to see.

All we have left is

the formality of paperwork.

Congratulations, Mark.

- You've got your li...

- ( Goofy horn ringtone plays )

Go for Glenn.

I'm sorry that

it bothers you, honey,

but that's the way

I like to answer the phone.

( All chuckling )

Leaving? That's

a bit of an over-reaction.

Karen, calm down.

Karen, please. Karen, no!

Karen!

Pull over up here.

Sir, that's a tow-away zone.

Who are you, the mayor?

Pull over!

I'm not the mayor.

Okay. All right.

So there it is. Okay.

Whoa. ( Laughs )

Why is it so hot in here?

If you want, I can

turn on the air con...

ditioning.

I can't breathe.

The car is so small.

Why is the car so small?

( Shivering )

It's so cold in here.

Should I go get your tie?

Pull out, merge into traffic,

take your first right,

and your third left.

Why aren't we moving?!

Come on, come on,

pick up the pace.

You know you can get a ticket

for going too slow, right?

As soon as we cross Elm,

take a left

over the first lawn you see.

I don't think this is

a driving test anymore.

Well done. You see how

giving it some gas

helped you fly over that curb?

Thank you?

- Doodlebear.

- You're too late, Glenn. I'm leaving.

There's no more spark.

No spark.

But we went to the House of

Spaghetti last night.

I've seen enough

daytime television

to know this isn't gonna

end well. Let's go.

No way, dude.

I got this test aced.

This isn't a test anymore.

It's something different.

Something darker.

Well, excuse me if I'm not comfortable

picking out my belly button lint.

Nature puts it there

for a reason.

See? They're just

sortin' stuff out.

We just need to let this

dust-up run its course,

and we'll be back at

the DMV, license in hand.

Plus this is really

none of our business.

Mitch, short guy, settle

an argument for me. Come on.

Now it's our business.

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