Mark and Russell's Wild Ride Page #3

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Mitch, you've spent

enough time with me

to know that

I'm a level-headed guy, right?

Tell me something, Mitch.

How would you feel

if your husband fell short

of every expectation?

Uh...

My name's Mark.

Wow! I didn't figure you

for a quitter, Karen.

Well, you didn't have to

sleep next to a night farter

for the last five years.

I have trouble

digesting lactose.

You know where would be a really

good place to work this out?

Back at the DMV.

You can't just

pick up and leave.

You are my sun, my moon.

My sunny moon.

There must be

something I can do.

Classic Glenn. Big on promises,

short on follow-through.

You said you'd pick up

the dry cleaning,

and that was weeks ago.

Well, it's a tad

out of the way.

But if that settles it,

I'll pick it up today.

We could get it on

the way back to the DMV.

You also promised to

pick up our nephew

- at karate class.

- That's today.

Good-bye, Glenn.

Maybe we can get a new driving

instructor on grounds of insanity.

Fellas, come over here

and use your bodies

to block this taxi

so she can't leave.

Okay, Russell, please.

Our quest stands

on the edge of a knife.

If we go limp,

it'll only hurt a little.

That's just bad science.

Let's go before

things get worse.

( Tires screeching )

I give you worse.

This guy failed me after

you cut me off back there.

You cost me

my license, forehead.

That's right, you better run.

He said I have road rage.

Now I'm gonna road rage

all over your face.

What's wrong with my forehead?

I'm not going

anywhere, sunny moon.

You're just gonna

have to run me over.

Point Karen.

Hang tight.

I'll be back with

my multi-purpose hatchet

whose many purposes

you'll soon discover.

Ashley's overrated, right?

- Let me in.

- ( Both screaming )

Follow that cab.

How am I doing, sir? I don't

wanna break the speed limit

in front of

my driving instructor.

Here's an instruction.

Stop driving like

a little baby and gas it,

'cause we're actually

being passed by a little baby.

Still, I think

we lost Road Rage.

Or he's right behind us.

( Heavy metal music plays )

- They're gaining!

- I can see that in my side mirror, Russell,

where objects are

closer than they appear,

as any seasoned driver

should know.

KAREN:
Please leave

a message, unless you're Glenn.

Oh, you can turn off

your phone, Karen,

but you cannot turn off my heart,

no matter how hard you try.

Look, her cab is taking a right on Delgado.

Push, Mitch, push.

Mitch, Mark. Either one

would look really good

on a shiny new

driver's license.

If this maniac

comes any closer,

he'll be in the backseat,

and I'm in the backseat!

Okay, you're going to

engage your left signal,

- but you are going to turn right.

- What?

You heard me.

Oh, Mr. Bufferton, please.

Is now a bad time

to request a bathroom break?

BOTH:
Yes!

Ah, the bus terminal,

where we had our first date.

And there she is, pulling up!

Quick, there's a spot

right there. Park.

Park like the wind.

Parallel park? It's just like

my second failure.

For the love of Pete,

just pull up there already.

I am losing her!

I did it.

Give me a thumbs up.

This is a moment

you'll wanna remember.

I'm stuck.

You have a window, too.

( Horn beeps )

Doodlebear!

Doodlebear!

Tilt your head to the left.

I wanna catch

this midday light.

Doodlebear, where are you?

Doodlebear!

Don't just stand there.

Find the man's Doodlebear.

GLENN:
Steubensville?

Steubensville?

Sweet gherkin, why?

Maybe she's going

bird watching.

There's some amazing

conservation land out there.

Knobbler's Field,

it's a bird watcher's paradise.

And the Dickcissel

is in mating season.

- Karen hates birds.

- Who hates birds?

Karen. And when she gets

to Steubensville

to stay with her bird-hating

mother, I am finished.

So back to the DMV then?

What's the point?

With Karen gone,

life has lost all meaning.

Everything that's

important to me...

corn dogs, taxidermy,

scratch and sniff stickers,

the job...

I'm done with all of it.

Hey, no, no. Don't say that.

Think of the good times, yeah?

Like remember earlier,

when you were all,

- "Congratulations, Mark, you've got your li..."

- No, no.

I've given out my last license.

Uh...

If we leave now,

we can still see

that movie with my grandpa.

DAD:
Your mom can

drive you to the party.

( voice echoing )

So, Ash, you havin' fun?

Marco!

No!!

Russell, grab

that bus schedule.

How many stops between

here and Steubensville?

Four.

Glenn, get your face off

that woman's shoulder.

You're gonna get pink eye.

If I can get you to your wife

before she reaches

your mother-in-law,

- you think you can win her back?

- Probably not.

Okay, well, do you think you

could possibly think of a way

to win her back

between here and there?

I suppose I could try.

Great. I can't think of

a more appropriate thank-you

than rewarding a generous

young boy with his license.

- You know such a boy?

- Me, Glenn.

- I'm talking about me.

- Oh, sure, sure.

Deal.

Excuse me.

I just get good grades,

I'm not used to being

a step behind,

but why would we possibly

wanna spend more time

with this lunatic?

Go with me here. We get

this boob back on his feet,

and back with his wife,

and back to the DMV,

then... ( cell phone buzzes )

Oh!

Then we'll be gettin'

texts like this

all the time.

Moly santo.

Moly santo indeed.

Unless, you know, you wanna

go eat some coleslaw

with Booger Tom

and Space Helmet.

No! I wanna go to sparkling cider

brunches with you and Ashley.

Still not sure that's a

thing, but that's the spirit!

In case you were wondering,

this is what heroes do.

Now... let's do this.

Hey! Never mess with

the Brothers Nico.

Maybe they're just

giving it a light wax.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?!

You know, I had a good excuse

for borrowing my mom's car,

but not for losing it to

a pack of cave trolls.

What's the point

of any of this?

Okay, Glenn's car is back

at the DMV.

We'd lose too much time.

That's out of play.

Oh, everything's out of play.

Is he gonna be a wet

blanket the whole time?

Okay, Russell,

I'll use Dig For It,

you use Search Doctor, and we'll

cross-reference with the smartest route.

No spark. Glenn Bufferton's

got enough spark for ten men.

Okay, Nico Repo's 8.3

miles away due north.

Which is only four miles away

from Glenn's wife's first stop.

That means this quest

is still very much alive, baby.

We just need to spring

my mom's car, then...

Gun it through Knobbler's Field.

We'll use it as a short cut.

Little nature,

little off-roading.

Okay, I am not racing my mom's

sensibly priced utility wagon

across the Australian outback.

Fine, but you always take

my advice in the end.

I mean, if anything,

I'm a sparkler.

Hey, you're the dumped husband

of my last fare.

The one with no spark.

I bent over backwards

to please that woman.

Why is she riding

a bus to her mother's?

Two cars in this economy?

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