Mark and Russell's Wild Ride Page #4

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( laughs ) What am I, Jay Z.?

( Guffaws ) I like you.

Funny man.

To laugh at, not to be though.

Listen, we have no time

for this nonsense.

Ooh, pull over here.

What? Did you hit

your head back there, Glenn?

We have to get my mom's car.

You told me I need to figure

out a way to win Karen back.

So I figure I should

"follow through"

by picking up my nephew

at karate class.

Good news. Wilson just qualified

for the all-valley tournament.

Bad news. The cab just drove away

with our last shred of hope.

We don't have any money. Do you?

Nah. Karen canceled

my credit cards

after I bought a side of

beef over the internet.

Last year, this dude, he gave me

colored meatballs in my Easter basket.

- Well, you owe my mom a car.

- People.

Excuse me if I'm not

concerned with

how your mother drives

to water aerobics every morning.

- People!

- Have you ever wanted something

so bad that you would

lie, cheat, and steal

just to get it?

People! You're not gonna

believe this.

Our pit stop may actually

be a lucky break.

Her bus passes

right by here on its route.

In fact...

Karen, I did it!

I picked up Wilson.

I'm a changed man.

Just look out your win... dow.

Oh!

Feels like my heart

just got run over by a bus.

Okay, new ideas.

New ideas.

Shout 'em out if you got 'em.

I think I'm having

a heart attack.

You're not having

a heart attack.

Wait. Are you having

a heart attack?

( Siren wailing )

( wheezing )

Yeah, he's not having

a heart attack.

Probably anxiety, or gas.

My money's on gas.

- Then why are we going to the hospital?

- Standard procedure.

What kind of insurance

do you have, Mr. Bufferton?

Insurance? At today's rates?

I had Karen drop that

months ago.

I guess you're gonna

have to pay out of pocket.

Wilson. Wilson, jump out, buddy.

Come on.

( Wheezing )

I think I'm having

a heart attack.

Oh, just fart already!

You know, running through

all those red lights

in that ambulance

actually made up time,

and I think the hospital

might be nearby.

Search Gal, find me Nico Repo.

Mapping route to Beepo's Tacos.

Why? Why must you buy

these off-brand smart phones?

Lay off Search Gal.

Voice recognition technology

is an imperfect science.

I could go for

some Beepo's tacos.

Find me Nico Repo Depot

and Car Wash.

Nico Repo Depot

and Car Wash located.

Distance:
.7 miles.

Somebody owes Search Gal

an apology.

Will do. Let's go.

Did nobody hear me

about Beepo's tacos?

( Groans )

Guys, I cannot

stress this enough.

Beepo's Tacos al pastor?

Well worth the visit.

Could we just please

refocus on the part

where we get my mom's car back

before it's stripped for parts?

( All laughing )

Spray 'em!

Is anyone else getting the vibe

that logic and reason are off

the table with this bunch?

Even if we had the money,

it's not like they would

just hand over the car.

At least, not without us

leaving here with wet crotches.

Wilson! You're trained

in physical combat.

Any advice, broheim?

My advice?

I don't care.

I got a party to be at.

Roger that, broheim.

Well, it looks like

we're stuck, broheims.

Stop saying broheim.

Hey, Russell, could you just

knock me out and wake me up

when I'm

a licensed driver, please?

I say we ram their defenses

at the joints

to test its integrity.

Or what about that sewage

pipe you've got your foot on?

Property values here

must be terrific.

( Water dripping )

Maybe it tunnels

underneath the fence.

Unfortunately, it's too tight

for any of us to crawl through.

Not for the smallest

kid in the world.

For the record,

I chafed my elbow

and had to suck in my gut,

so, you know, not that small.

You look like you could

be in my grade.

For reals.

You know, if you weren't eight.

Dream on, short round.

Whoa ho ho! Burn!

Why don't you two just go

sit quietly over there.

Maybe work on a speech

to win your wife back,

'cause it's the point

of the whole mission.

Russell, I'm really not sure

this is a good idea.

Please. I'll just crawl

through mole-man style,

liberate your mom's car,

and we'll be rippin' across

Knobbler's Field in no time.

I still haven't said

yes to that.

You always take

my advice in the end.

You're doin' great, Russell.

And you do not have

a newly discovered fear

of closed places.

( Shrieks, pants )

Human head.

It's just a mannequin head.

That's...

equally as creepy.

I can't see him anymore, guys.

His mom makes him wear

those sneakers

with the reflective patches.

You know, you remind me of me

when I was young.

Why? Why would you ever

say that to me?

You are single-minded

in purpose,

just like I was.

That's how I landed Karen.

And believe you me,

that girl was way

out of my league.

That's nothing like... me.

Of course, I had

to sacrifice stuff to get her.

She hated my dream

of going to clown college,

so that went bye-bye.

But these are the choices

you make for a lady

who lifts you up

to a whole new level.

So what if I cry

in the basement

while making balloon

animals in secret?

It's worth it.

And it'll be

worth it for you, too.

Oh, it wasn't so bad.

I had a loyal friend

to talk to.

Wore orthopedic shoes.

I used to call him my sidekick.

You know,

now that I think about it,

I guess it sounds

nothing like you.

Yeah, Mark. Nothing like you.

Russell! ( Voice echoing )

Stuck? The irony.

( Cell phone rings )

Search Gal, answer.

Mapping route to Beepo's Tacos.

Search Gal, kill! Kill!

Kill command accepted.

Shutting down now.

( phone powers down )

( whispering )

Search Gal, help me.

Oh! I ate seven bags

of cotton candy that night.

You have reached

the voice-mail of...

Guys, he's not picking up.

It's really not a good sign.

Russell doesn't get

that many phone calls,

so he never lets them

go to voice-mail.

Wait a minute.

You two can afford

phone plans with "voice-mail"?

( Wheezing laugh )

Who are you, Jay Z.?

Listen, we don't get

my mom's car back,

we can kiss both Ashley

and your wife good-bye.

That's horrible. Who's Ashley?

( Cell phone rings )

It's Ashley.

You are a conjurer

of evil things.

- Hey, girl!

- Quick question.

What's your favorite

kind of cupcake?

Fair warning:
Amber Valeen's

favorite is ganache,

so you'll probably have

ganache all over your car.

- Oh. So Amber's coming too?

- Fun, right?

Is there anybody else

I need to get a cupcake for?

Uh...

Well, does Monica Delmonico's

pool have a shallow end?

And if so,

specifically, how shallow?

- Uh, I guess I could check.

- You know what? Never mind.

Not to be a stick in the mud,

but my mom's car

has sort of an intimate feel,

and what with the expanding

passenger list...

Oh, totally.

Hey, you know Dean Greeves

just got his license,

and a new SUV that has tons

of room, so we could just...

Vanilla. Get me vanilla.

Bye, girl.

I knew it.

The sharks are circling.

Stupid mole-man plan.

I'm the one with

things at stake here.

Russell is gonna mole-man me

out of my new life.

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