Mark and Russell's Wild Ride Page #5

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Okay, okay.

The only way to free Russell,

get my mom's car back,

and get back on the road

to your wife

is to get on the other

side of that fence.

The only question is how.

All right, impromptu

brainstorming session.

Shout 'em out if you got 'em.

Phone delivery man! Skydiving!

Delivery man! Time travel!

You said delivery man

twice, Glenn.

That's how much

I believe in it.

Wilson.

Nothin'?

Lay off, bro.

I'm about to clear level three.

While I agree that

video games may offer

most of life's answers,

I really don't think...

Wilson! You're a genius!

Oh!

Whoo!

Didn't shower after

karate, did you, buddy?

Chicks dig the musk.

As you can see, I've come

to my own rescue once again.

You're welcome.

Once I am safely

on the other side,

you two gentlemen can

scurry over by way of

this crude but sturdy rope,

meticulously engineered

from two undershirts,

a pair of khakis,

an old trash bag,

and Wilson's

yellow karate belt.

Congratulations,

by the way, man.

- That's really something to be proud of.

- Whatevs.

- Yeah?

- Shouldn't you be wearing a helmet?

( laughs ) Totally unnecessary.

Taking into consideration

your height and, uh,

doughy build,

your downward force

should launch me into the sky,

I pull my shirt taut,

simulating the aerodynamics

of your average fruit bat,

allowing me to sail over

the fence,

and land safely on that filthy,

gross mattress right over there.

Don't have to raise your hand.

You, uh, take physics

in school?

Nope. Chemistry.

But the principles

are more or less the same.

The math is sound.

Sounds like genius forgot

to carry a two.

Hope you like

the taste of dirt.

Trust me.

Jump.

Abort!!

( Weakly ) Ta-da.

Man, I should've just

stayed in that ambulance.

Wow!

You must feel

so stupid right now.

What does it feel like

to be that stupid?

ANGELA:
Move it, chumps.

Come on, give

the poor kid a break.

He doesn't even know

what state he's in.

Why you gotta

ruin things, Angela?

Yeah, why you gotta

ruin things?

- Go get me a juice box.

- ( Whip cracking )

Hey, don't make me

send you to bed.

You knuckleheads try

and stay out of jail

while I get

this sack of meat's car.

I'm just gonna

lay here and clear my head.

You know what's good for that?

A bath.

Am I done yet?

Nope. I got a coupon.

Buy one, get one free.

That wasn't so bad.

( Mimicking brothers ) "Butt out, Angela.

You ruin everything."

You butt out.

Don't make me have to hurt you.

I don't want to,

but I will tase you.

My sidekick is in peril.

You're gonna tase me?

With your Taser?

That's what I said.

You are adorable.

You know what?

I'm gonna let you have this.

You're too kind.

You know, as much as

this industrial-strength soap

really stings, it doesn't sting

nearly as bad as

those five failures

I was telling you

about earlier.

So if anyone understands

your frustration at the world,

it's me.

The man is our enemy,

not each other.

I beseech you.

Let us part as friends, huh?

The best of friends.

What say you?

Is that the majority opinion?

Hop in, buddy.

- I took a hostage.

- What?!

- Get 'em.

- Stay back.

The tiny one is a maniac.

He is gonna tase me.

With his Taser.

I'm so mad, I wanna yank off

another mannequin head.

You should probably

cool it with that, bro.

Cool nothing.

I have three words, gentlemen.

Beast Mode.

Wilson, where's your uncle?

Uncle by marriage, dude.

Sh!

Be still.

Russell's got you.

Let me be your hero.

Hero? You are the least

heroic hero

in all of hero history.

( Waves crashing,

seagulls cawing )

I will shove that thing

down your...

So, Russell tells me

you two are best friends.

Best friends don't make things

go from bad to worse.

I had the situation

under control.

You look like a seagull

cleaned up after an oil spill.

So I swooped in

and saved the day.

That's how heroes roll.

You've seen me play

Capture the Flag.

Yeah, I have.

You take it way too far.

The point is to

capture the flag.

Okay, you kidnapped their queen

and gave them new

and interesting reasons

to hate me.

Not to mention we lost

the one guy

who can end this nightmare.

Because his phone

was in his pants,

and his pants were in

your ill-conceived rope.

A hero wouldn't have

made that mistake.

Oh, you're not a hero.

You're not even

a good sidekick.

Somebody needs couples therapy.

You know, you're welcome

to leave whenever.

Oh, I'm staying.

Any time away from my brothers

is a breath of fresh air.

No joke; The whole house

smells like meatballs and B.O.

And technically speaking,

I'm the only licensed driver.

Well, then,

technically speaking,

thrilled to have ya.

I emerged from the underworld

reborn like a phoenix.

How could I not be the hero?

Okay, okay, guys.

We're dangerously close to

going off the rails here.

The most important thing now

is to just find

our last, best hope.

Hey, check out this weirdo

drifter on that tiny bike.

Is he not wearing pants?

Oh, sweet mercy, you're here.

My calves are on fire.

You should be

ashamed of yourself.

- Abandoning us, leaving your nephew.

- By marriage!

The only way my family

line has survived

is by fleeing at

the first sign of danger.

Get in the car, Glenn.

I can't. My legs are useless.

And I gotta return this bike

to that sweet little girl.

If he asks me to massage

a cramp, I quit.

- ( Cell phone beeps )

- Not that you need my help,

but we're right near the bus's

third stop at Dearborn Junction.

Glenn, we have to move,

and we have to move right now.

You're gonna have

to massage my legs.

WILSON:
Not it!

Oh, man, they got

a Beepo's taco truck?

This party's gonna be

off the hook.

This party's for third graders?

Don't hate the playa.

Hate the game.

By the way, nobody mention

that I'm wearing my mom's

aerobic shirt, all right?

It was in the trunk,

and it's dry.

Plus I look really good

in violet.

I hope your mom's rig

can run on fumes,

because I don't know if

I trust the gas gauge

with all the dead weight

we're carrying.

I think he's talking about you.

And not that I deserve

any credit

for saving the mission

from certain failure yet again,

but the bus stop

is coming up fast.

Glenn, I hope you have

your speech prepared.

Just the dance sequence. But I'm

pretty sure the words will come.

- Then let's do this!

- ( Siren wailing )

- Come on! - Really?

- You owe me a wife!

Guys, emergency vehicles

have the right of way.

Test number four.

I know what I'm doing.

Hey, aren't those the guys

who stiffed us

on our transport fee?

Maybe we can get

20 bucks out of them for lunch.

The rules of the road

are rules for a reason.

Back me up, Glenn.

Sorry? I was distracted by this

ambulance barreling towards us.

They found us! Scatter!

What a wuss.

You're the one

who owes them money.

Wait up!

( Siren in the distance)

- ( car honks )

- Whoa Whoa!

Come on! Today is not the day.

Ah, it's more trouble

than its worth.

I've to go pick up the guy that

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