Mark and Russell's Wild Ride Page #7

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the tip of my tongue.

OK! OK! All right!

I admit it. Russell was right.

He was right about everything.

The shortcut. The sun roof.

The gas gauge. The dead weight.

I think he's talking about you.

You name it,

Russell was right about it.

Hey.

Don't take it so hard.

I mean, look around.

It's beautiful here.

And someone recently told me

that dickcissel is

in mating season.

That was Russell.

( Sighs )

Yeah, I miss that kid.

He's great.

I wanted him to come

to the pool party.

I really did.

He's just nervous.

He can come out

a little strong sometimes.

I mean, you guys have never

seen him play capture the flag.

I don't blame you Mark.

I mean, when my buddy

with the orthopedic shoes

started cramping my style,

I dropped him like a bad habit

and went straight to Karen town.

But, not because

of the orthopedic shoes.

That's prejudice.

Sweet gherkin.

I am glad.

I guess Russell was

right about everything.

Can't believe it.

I was embarrassed

about him but...

I- I should have

been embarrassed about me.

I choked.

I choked at friendship.

( sighs )

And the truth shall

set you free.

Though technically

we're still stuck in a field...

in the rain...

because of you.

Who cares about

that stupid pool party.

I would rather just spend

the rest of my days

as a regular Mark,

as long as I just got

my best friend back.

RUSSELL:
That would sound

lovely in a tasteful card.

Quality card stock.

Something classy.

Eggshell is nice.

- ANGELA:
Oh, Russell!

- MARK:
Buddy!

Tell me you brought food.

How'd you know we'd be here?

What can I say? You always

take my advice in the end.

Snap!

Plus, I-I knew you'd

forget to gas up,

and I know how much

that party means to you.

That an-and not

dying in a field.

You do know me.

So, how was Wilson's pool party?

He said I was on the list.

Big Dub does run with a

pretty exclusive party crowd.

Primo cake, I'm told.

MARK:
You know,

when this is all over,

I owe you a

sparkling cider brunch.

RUSSELL:
Oh, Mark.

Those are so last year.

( All sighing and gasping )

All right.

Tank full.

No permanent injuries.

Russell's earned a well

deserved power nap.

I can't understand why

I like him so much.

I think he reminds me

of the doll I once had.

Yo, Glenn,

how's that speech coming?

"You are the corn to my cob"

"and are at

your best with butter."

Karen loves butter.

Keep thinking.

You know, I'm proud

of you, Mark.

You shook it off and,

lo and behold,

the light at

the end of the tunnel.

( Car honking )

You know, the problem with the

light at the end of the tunnel,

there's always a darkness

right behind you.

Oh, no.

Beast mode.

Here's Nicos!

How did they find us?

You know, I may have

mentioned Steubensville

in that fourth or

fifth grid cycle.

Right before that really

moving speech I gave earlier.

He told us exactly

where he's going to be

in that super dumb speech

he gave earlier.

What an idiot!

There she is!

Is that the bus?

Did I say, "Throw it to me?"

So much optimism

in such a tiny body.

We're gaining.

Wait! Pull over here.

- What?

- Are you crazy?

You owe me a power nap!

Non negotiable pit stop.

Trust me.

I know what I'm doing.

OK. When you

put it that way, no!

Stubborn as a mule.

Just like I was when

I was your age.

MARK:
Get out!

I don't know how quick an ulcer

can form in a teenage body

but, ho, ho, ho!

I swear he's helped me

set a record.

Come on.

Carrots and vegetables.

Point Glenn.

( Car screeches )

By the way, why is your dry cleaner

all the way in Steubensville?

Cheapest rates around.

( Groans )

All right. We're

on the goal line

with two seconds left

on the clock.

We're unstoppable!

We're going to strap your ride!

And eat your bones!

Would you believe me

if I told you

he was the one

with most potential.

One car length. One car length!

I mean, you guys

are seeing this right?

My last test.

Young man...

I may not have always shown it,

but I admire your commitment

to vehicular safety.

Oops!

MARK:
Even when you

try to be nice,

you ruin things.

Yo, tie this suit

behind the seat,

we'll swap it for cash

at the Suit Palace later.

( Cellphone ringing )

GLENN:
Sorry, ah, ah, Ashley.

Um, Mark can't come

to the phone right now.

Um, he's under

extreme pressure,

and I don't want him

soiling his pants

in front of pretty girl.

Mark, Hello?

Hello, Ashley.

That was my uncle, we're

taking him to the hospital.

Something's not right

with his head.

But Mark is really...

Double bag, double bag...

Suitcase on the left.

RUSSELL:
Designer

man purse straight ahead.

GLENN:
Snowboard.

Ah... I don't get it.

( Gasps )

ALL:
Ah!

( All grunting )

Is Mark there?

Yes, I mean, yes.

I'm here.

I know I was weird earlier,

but, I learned something today.

A pool party

is just a pool party.

Is that party really worth it

if you're not partying in the

pool with people you love?

I was actually just calling

to remind you

to bring sunscreen,

it's supposed to be pretty hot.

Mark, do you still want to go

to this party with me?

Miss a party

with nice-teeth Ashley?

Never.

Oh, exciting news.

I decided to bring a plus one.

Or more accurately,

a plus half.

( Russell screams )

See you at the party.

MARK:
All right,

it's the end of our quest.

As long as we don't

screw the things up.

I think...

There's only one way

this can go down.

We're gonna have

to cannonball this thing.

Or we could just meet her

at the station.

My situation demands

a grand gesture.

It's go big

or go home, broheim.

Or go die,

which is the more

likely outcome.

Glenn, get back in the car.

Too late. This is my destiny.

MARK:
Glenn, this is crazy.

How are you gonna even hold on?

You let me worry about that.

( Music playing )

GLENN:

Toodle-bear! Karen! Karen!

Karen!

( screeching ) Toodle-bear!

MARK:
Please don't be dead.

Please don't be dead...

Clown college means

everything to me, Karen.

Please tell me I can go.

Sure.

Baby, just get in the car.

I love you, Toodle-bear.

I hope he doesn't

remember any of this.

Because we're not paying

for clown college.

There she is,

we're not too late.

All we have to do is

just buy Glenn a few minutes.

Unless a few minutes

is all he has left.

MARK:
Ah.

Slow down, Forehead.

I've a perfectly

normal-sized forehead.

You think you can

cost me my license,

steal my sister,

ding up my

beast-mode accessories,

and get off scot-free?

Technically,

we borrowed your sister,

and if it makes

feel any better,

I'm sure I could find some

reasonably priced

beast-mode accessories

on the internet.

Ugh, again?

Why do we have

to be those people?

Angela...

You need to learn

when to speak up,

and when to keep

your mouth shut.

RUSSELL:
And you...

need to learn to relax.

( Fighting )

RUSSELL:
My head!

I don't want

to embarrass you, Gino,

but you just got three-seconded

by someone who weighs

less than a bag of sugar.

Russell, can I just say...

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