McHale's Navy Page #2

Picking his nose

is the steal sign?

I told you they were crafty.

Who's the best team

in the Caribbean?

San Moreno! And who's

gonna crush San Felipe?

- San Moreno!

- Who's gonna run 20 wind sprints to warm up for the game?

San Moreno!

[ All Groaning ] All

right, guys, come on.

Let's go! Come on, fellas.

Wait a minute, wait a

minute, wait a minute.

You guys look terrible.

Look at those jerseys.

You're never going to get on "This Week

in Caribbean Baseball" looking like that.

- I guess you better wear these.

- What is it?

Wow! Cool! New jerseys!

If you win today,

next week you get pants.

Wow, thanks! Yeah, thanks!

[ Chuckling ]

What are you laughing at?

You know my Harley's

runnin' a little rich.

That's because you fiddle

with it all the time.

I don't fiddle with it.

All right, I'll fix it. At

least I know what I'm doing.

If you knew what you were doing, I wouldn't

have to fiddle with it all the time.

You're late.

McHale, I gotta talk to you.

Hey, Roberto, where you been?

Last night by the pier

I saw the Governor...

meeting some strange-looking dudes

in uniforms, so I took some pictures.

I've told you a million times,

knock off the spy stuff.

You've got the best glove of any

outfielder I've ever seen. Life is good.

Give me the film.

I'm just trying to look

out for you, all right?

Come on, let's play some ball.

I got you a new jersey.

All right, guys!

Let's get ready now!

Come on, let's play some ball!

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

Sir, the launch will be ready to

take us to the base in 15 minutes.

I have all this knowledge, and they send

me to this dump in the middle of nowhere.

Twenty years

of Naval experience,

and I always get passed over

for the good assignments.

No one can convince me that it isn't

because of that damn cruise ship incident.

[ Clears Throat ] Sir, may I

respectfully offer an opinion?

You may.

I studied the Caribbean

at the academy, sir,

and, if you don't mind

me saying so,

this area is very critical.

Perhaps they sent you here because

you possess the ability...

to turn this into a

top-notch Naval facility.

Huh! You think so?

Yes, sir. This may

be just the place...

where your attention to

discipline is appreciated.

I could use a new challenge.

Maybe this time there'll be some

raw material I can work with.

They're coming!

[ Reel Spinning ]

Oh! Marlin on. Marlin on!

They're here! Oh! Ow.

They're coming, the boat!

Hey, guys! Hey, guys!

[ Pinball Machine Beeping ]

[ Panting ]

Hey, ice cream! How much?

Ten bucks a pint.

Put me down for chocolate

and anything else...

that's got a nutty thing

going on, but no raisins.

The new C.O.

is on his way here now!

He's not due 'til next week.

Yeah, well he's here.

Hey you guys.

We got a little boat comin' in.

Well, there goes

tonight's luau.

Oh, man, we gotta hide

our stuff.

And put on your uniforms

and fall in.

We were supposed

to keep those things?

Come on, knucklehead.

I'll buy you another one.

Come on, Chuck. You can do it.

All you need is just a little confidence.

Think promotion.

I think I can. I think I can.

I think I can.

Greetings, Captain Binghampton.

At your service Captain.

[ Shouting ] It's an honor,

Captain Binghampton, sir!

I better tone that down.

Uh-- [ Sighs ]

Thank you

for that greeting, Ensign.

Um, Charles T. Parker, sir.

Welcome to San Sid.

What?

Oh, that's the base's

nickname, sir.

See, this is San Ysidro island,

the main island

in the San Ysidro chain,

located right between Cuba and--

pftt-- the Virgin Islands.

But the locals just shortened the

Ysidro to Sid. See? San Sid, sir.

You're a moron, aren't you?

[ Sighs ]

[ Binghampton ] What's this?

"This is a tarp, short for

tarpaulin," which is generally--

Not this! This!

Oh. Oh! [ Chuckles ]

Well, this is

a frosty concoction...

home brewed by one of our

colorful yet loveable locals.

[ Chuckles ]

This is a military

installation, not a brewery.

I've heard about this place. It's

a lot less of a naval base...

and a lot more of sand baggers trying to get

free food and lodging out of Uncle Sam!

Now, that is not

entirely true, sir.

[ Men Shouting ]

Fall in.

Whoa! Check it out.

Hey.

[ Whispering ]

[ Snickers ]

Excuse me, sir.

Oh, look out.

Okay, let's hear it.

Come on.

I have heard them all.

Well, what is it?

I'd like to polish her turrets?

I'd like her to inate my raft?

I'd like to swab her deck?

[ Snickers ]

Well?

Um--

Uh, the swabbin' the deck one.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I am a superior officer,

and one more joke like that,

and I am recommending that

you are all transferred...

to our base deep in

Alaska's Aleutian Islands.

This place is so isolated...

you will spend your days

spit-shining urinals...

and drunkenly trawling for

innocent civilians to beat up.

[ Clears Throat ] Uh, ma'am?

Would this be a

permanent-duty assignment?

Ow! Sorry.

Sorry, sir. Ma'am.

Good work, Lieutenant.

Thank you, sir.

Atten-hut!

Hey, Happy, ain't that the

guy who sunk the Love Boat?

Oh, yeah.

- Did we wake you up?

- No, sir.

We've been up since

the crack of noon, sir.

Well, that's going to change.

Inspection in five minutes.

Fall out!

[ All Talking ]

What's the hurry, boys?

The new C.O.'s coming. We gotta

get all this stuff cleaned up!

Want some ice cream? Oh!

Would you guys relax? You know

how these new C.O.s are.

They're tough for two weeks.

Before you know it, they're trading shore

passes for toilet paper with aloe.

Not this guy, McHale.

He's D for difficult.

The type of difficult

that makes a-- Shut up.

You're making good time, and

you've still got 16 seconds.

So keep it up. I'll talk to you later.

Make your bed! Make your bed!

Up here!

[ Men Clamoring ]

Attention on deck!

Suck it in, mister!

I'm totally sucked, sir.

How about a shave, sailor?

Been thinkin' about it, sir.

Working without tools, eh?

What happened to your sleeves?

Uh, lost 'em

in a poker game, sir.

Angry loser.

[ Groans ]

Where is your bunk, son?

It's outside, sir.

Outside? Yeah.

It's, uh, out there

on up in a tree, sir.

You have a gravity

problem, son?

Uh, no, sir.

You just enjoy sleeping

up in the trees?

Oh, I sure do, sir.

Carpenter, take a note.

From now on, anything found...

sleeping up in a tree

after lights out...

will be shot, understood?

Noted, sir.

What are you trying to

hide from me, Ensign?

[ Whispers ] Why, nothing, sir.

Why, nothing, sir.

Move.

It appears to be

more contraband sir:

"McHale's Mai Tai."

"McHale's Ale."

"McHale's Girls of the San

Ysidro Islands Calendar."

Would someone tell me

what this is?

Well, these are

scantily clad ..

Yet tasteful photos of

women the men use as--

Shut up! [ Slurping ]

What were you eating, sailor?

[ Swallows, Moans ]

McHale's Ice Cream." No.

[ Binghampton ] Well, well, well,

well, well

You men have done something

that I've never seen before.

You've managed to transform an

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